ick

Man its just one of those days.

I want to sit and pray,
Father, sit with me. Take this pain Lord, I am tired of this ache, of feeling love and sorrow at the same time. I am tired of the way my stomach does a flip every time I pass certain streets. God what is the time line, when does this end? Sometimes I don't understand why you taught me to cry, if you weren't going to let it end. Please God tell me why you have a heart for me to stay.

But in the end I will sit and pray,
"Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done."  Amen.
         Luke 22:42

Tues night problem

DH goes to a class for sexual addictions on Tues nights. I have some mixed feelings about it. Its good he goes and has a safe place with other men with the same problem at a church and its bible centered. It bothers me sometimes. I wonder will this always be a problem, will he always need a support group for this? Ten years from now, 20 years from now is he still going to need to meet with people to keep himself faithful?  Every Tues the past year slaps me in the face.

Last night when he got home from group he showed me his 11 month chip. Just like AA you get little plastic chips that show how long you haven't "used".  Am I really about to high five him for not sleeping with other women in 11 months, kinda twisted. I kept the thought to myself and asked about the meeting. During the small group, during the discussions he said how he talked about the list I had made of things I needed him to do before he could move back home. He told his group how we talk about things and pray together about them. And... then I got angry.

The list I made way back in Sept he did indeed follow, but not before putting a fuss up about saying some things were unnecessary. And we don't talk about things the way he made it sound to his large group. The things is we never talk! Some nights roughly once a month I will need to talk to get my feeling out, and he basically says "we have been through all this before, what else is there to say?". Sometimes he says "yes you do need to talk, you should find someone".

As for praying together, he prays while we are together, but not for anything to do with the healing of this marriage.  I still cant pray near him out loud. He has asked me to, and has tried to tell me to (that was laughable, your going to try to make me pray??)  That's why I got upset with him, he made it sound like we are right on track and doing everything right.

Last Sun at church a women stopped me and DH after service and asked us to pray for her together. I knew she wanted us both to pray out loud. The feeling that came to me while holding her shoulder was so intense, I felt for her pain and I heard the words in my heart. Yet when it was time for me to pray I could barely get my words out. It is insanely hard to pray near him. I feel stupid and awkward. He walked away after prayers, I stayed with her and listened for a bit and of course my voice came right back to me.

That popped in my head when he was telling me how he told his group we pray together. He made it sound as if we hold hands and pray about all the things he isn't willing to even talk to me about. I can't pray out loud with this man, I don't feel safe that way. I feel physically safe... but when it comes to opening my heart to my Father I still cannot with my husband. I hate that! I want a whole marriage and a whole heart.

I trust my God to on his promise to make all things new, but is this as new as it will get with the intimacy with DH? He will be faithful, and others will admire him for being so godly... but at home he will still expect me to be over all my yesterdays without sharing the pain together?

You never let go

I'm sitting on the bed the other night watching DH play with his phone. He is funny, likes to mess with the alarm tones almost every night. Says he will sleep through it if it's the same noise too many days in a row. I'm sitting laughing at him and his annoying sound effects, when he proudly announces  "Hey babe I changed your ring tone!". "Ok so what you got going now?" He plays it. Its the chorus to David Crowder Bands Never Let Go. "Why that song?" "Because you never let go of me."

I feel sorta guilty truth be told. After I found out he was cheating, I began the process of letting go right away. After I found out that it was so much worse that just that girl, that it was years and years of a hidden life, I was bent on remembering everything he confessed so I could hate him. I couldn't look at him, I felt sick if he even came near me. I wanted that to last, I wanted him to stay repulsive. Even had a hard time looking at my children, they look so much like him. The last thing in the world I wanted was to hold on to him, any good memory of him, anything at all to do with him. My prayers (when I started to pray again) were more like Lord please I need money to start over with my kids. Definitely not Lord please save this marriage.
I had let him go a hundred different ways.
God never let him go. He helped us both, and was working on stuff I couldn't see.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. (Romans 8:28) 


There is surely a future hope for you, and your hope will not be cut off. (Proverbs 23:18)


If you are in a spot of no hope please remember God loves you. He is working on stuff you cant see right now. 
I had let go of all my hope, my Father never did.
And I thank Him for it every day.

Oye! I'm tired

Ugh what does it take to get a good nights sleep around here?
I'm tired, and getting used to it. That's probably the worse part. I go to sleep yet wake more tired than when I fell asleep. And sometimes sore like instead of snoozing I was doing jazzersize/kung foo.

DH has informed me that for the past however many months I sometimes push slap and kick him. Well... what do you say to that? Sorry hun the zombies where chasing me?
Half the time I don't even remember what I was dreaming about. The other half I wish I couldn't remember what I was dreaming about. A lot of the time the ones that wake me up are similar, some woman DH has slept with trying to take my kids. Same play different actors. Less often theres the boogie man type, you know creepy things making you run for your life.
Last night it was wake up almost every hour on the hour for no reason.

If your thinking I'm being picked on and I should anoint the house, I have. A bunch. It works and for a night or two maybe a week there is smooth sleeping. So whats up? Why do the dreams come back? I dont know, and if your talking to your screen at me right now, um I cant hear you. But please feel free to leave a comment if you have any ideas that may help, or your going through something similar.

I have noticed a pattern. Past two weeks, crappy sleep, yesterday bad day. I was mad at DH, I was crying and just frustrated with everything, myself included. Then around 3am sitting in my bed it hit me no sleep=bad day. Took me months to figure out what seems obvious now...sleep deprivation= slow thought process.

So whats a girl to do? I haven't figured that part out yet, but knowing what the problem is has to be half the answer. So I'm on the right track. I will keep doing what I have been doing praying before bed, and first thing when I get up. I will anoint again. And for days like today, when I still get no sleep, I will try to remember extra emotions are just a reaction to being tired, and will pray. Hopefully that helps.

Ok time to officially start my day!

Please Jesus let my little girl laugh without tears

Yesterday was awesome as has been the theme lately. I have had energy, and its been beautiful out. Doing stuff with the children and having fun. I have been feeling a little closer to myself again. The house is tidy most the time (not perfect but I'm OK with that). I have been painting and gardening and even doing random art projects. But the problems come when I stop. When I stop I have time to think. Then I remember its not the same as it was before, I'm not this carefree person anymore, its not smile from dawn to bedtime. There is hurt.  I think about how happy I was, and I hurt for her, that happy always carefree woman. She had no idea. No idea. I hurt for those children and how they lost that mom, they had no idea either. My middle child, my six year old child I hurt for the most lately. When ever she laughs good and hard now there are usually tears in her eyes when she is done. Not the good, I laughed so hard I cried tears either. Her eyes look so sad, sometimes she'll burst into a sob. I hurt so deeply for her. I understand so clearly but I have no words for it. I feel the same way.

Its days like this I wish my husband understood.
He has said sorry, but that is not what I'm asking when I try my hardest to tell him my feelings. I try to explain so infrequently because it seems he feels bothered about it. I feel like he is sorry about isolated big incidents, like woman A, woman B, lying about casino, etc. How do I get through to him its not isolated incidents to me? Its all of the last 10 years of marriage all strung together? Its the smaller things that link all those larger things together that hurt the most.

I cant get through to him that it feels like I had to bury my family and start a new one. I cant even bear to look at photos most the time, its like looking at a family that died tragically in a horrible accident. Its hard some days, my bad days to look at him, see the man that killed that family I loved with my whole heart. Its heart wrenching on a good day to go through traditions I started years ago, stuff the kids look forward too like family camp-outs. It can turn a good day into a bad one fast, all the memories it brings up, all of them distorted now.

Lord, my Lord, sit with me on my bad days. Help me to just breath and relax with you. Please help me to release the past pains and not lose the beautiful moments that were there. Please hold my children, don't let this scar them. Please Jesus let my little girl laugh without tears, Lord protect her heart. Thank you for all you have already done in my life and the lives of my family. Thank you for loving us when we are unlovable. Please pour into me your strength and help me to walk in my good and my bad days.
Amen

grace to wait

How long must I wait God??
Thats what goes through my mind daily, sometimes hourly, and probably even while I sleep some nights.

Psalms 13:2
How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and day after day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?

You hear that theme on and off throughout Psalms, and I have to admit hearing other people waiting makes me feel better. Oh I love the parts of scripture that talk about victory, but I love, LOVE the parts that line up with what I'm feeling right now! Its comforting to know throughout time others have felt the same.

But.... having said all that, let me say waiting and wondering sucks. I'm wondering when I will feel whole again. When I will feel pretty again. When I won't be the laughing stalk of the neighborhood anymore.
Tick, tock, tick, tock... seriously does anyone else hear the theme of Jeopardy playing, or is that just me?

My husband and I are doing really good, really. I see God working with him, through him and around him. And I know God has been reshaping me. But it feels like he is over looking some things. I wonder if He does so on purpose? I know adultery is the ONLY thing listed in the bible besides death that lets you out of marriage. Is that because God knows the scar that is left? He says you have an out...is that so you don't walk the rest of your days with this giant painful scar of the soul that can sting like a mother-trucker...

So does that go away?? I have no one to ask, I know no one else that has been through this. I have supportive friends, but their words fail here. They always end up saying the same thing, "I don't know how you do it, I would have left a loooooong time ago".  Well thanks that's not helping.

I had an argument with DH the other night. Normal bickering stuff, nothing life changing. We were in bed and he got up and walked out. My first thought was, he wishes he wasn't here. He wishes for those other women, I'm sure they weren't so pig-headed. Then a few minutes after he went downstairs, I heard an engine then saw some headlights hit my bedroom window. I went to the window expecting (in my heart KNOWING) he was in his truck leaving. It turned out to be a neighbors car, DH was downstairs on the couch.

Wow, way to take it to the bad place so quickly right? That just seems to be how my brain has been rewired. I have no clue if its permanent or not. Trust me my mind didnt work that way before. Always the glass is half full type

Now I feel less. Less in many ways. Less pretty, less young, less entertaining. My health problems have been starting again and I have been purposely not making an appointment. Why? Because it makes me feel gross and old.

One of the hardest things right now is dealing with neighbors. I have a few friends here that make it bearable and I thank God for them. But most of the women on this street talk about me and I'm sure my family as well. I see them look at me, and I can hear them laugh. Their kids that used to play with mine no longer do. I have no idea what their kids have heard, and what they might repeat to mine, so honestly those kids snubbing mine hurts a little less. Just why the need for gossip? I don't do it, think its a waste of time. Most days I ignore it, or talk to God about it while walking past their snickering. But other days its harder, I want to walk over there and knock one of them out. I could mess them all up, old me would have made quick work of it. Its those days I struggle to hold onto Gods promise of making all things new. Its those days that I cry out how long must I wait Lord?

My daily prayer: Lord thank you so much for loving me. Thank you for loving my family so much that we are together and following after you. Thank you for my church and my home. Lord please clear my head and heart. Please help me to feel closer to you while I wait. Please help me to love my neighbors (or at the very least walk with enough grace to not knock their teeth out).
Amen

poking your eye out is the best bet

Went to class a few nights ago. The lesson was on temptation. Maybe your thinking oooh fun stuff when your sitting next to your sex addicted husband. But it wasn't that hard to sit next to him. It was a great lesson, I learned a lot. Everyone gets tempted its part of living in this world, period. The sin isn't in the being tempted part, its if you choose to linger on a thought or toy with an action. That's a grey area for many people. They figure yeah I'm not acting on it, just thinking about it. Let me clear up some grey for those who need it.

                                       Matthew 5:27-30
You know the commandment which says, "Be faithful in marriage." But I tell you that if you look at another woman and want her, you are already unfaithful in your thoughts. If your right eye causes you to sin, poke it out and throw it away. It is better to lose one part of your body, than for your whole body to end up in hell. If your right hand causes you to sin, chop it off and throw it away! It is better to lose one part of your body, than for your whole body to be thrown into hell.

Jesus said if you think about it, its as bad as doing it. He says if your eyes are looking, STOP. Do what you gotta do to get yourself out of that situation, yes, its that important.  Even if you have to jab your finger in your own eye. At least you wont be thinking lustful thoughts anymore, instead you'll be thinking, damn my eye hurts! Or you'll be worried that people saw you cram your finger in your own eye. Either way Jesus would perfer that, to you falling into the steps of sin. Notice he says eye before he mentions hand. It starts in the thoughts, and then leads to actions. After hand it goes quickly to hell.  Good stuff to know, being thrown into hell or poking yourself in the eye.

Of course thats not the only temptation out there, just one of the ones that stuck with me. I figure if DH comes home with an eye patch one day, I will score it as a win. God ~ 1. Temptation ~ 0.

I'm tempted with other things. Like running. I spent a good two days a few weeks back trying to convince DH how awesome it would be to put all our stuff in storage and get an RV. (Still sounds awesome!) He looked at me like I lost a screw. But to me sitting still is a form of torture. Moving is a fix. Even if its moving up the street to live in an RV.
Running can also be in the mind. Disconnecting is something I'm tempted with often. Either by busyness or drinking. Happy to say the temptation of drugs seems to be a thing of the past. Although after D-day the enemy did try to throw that fish hook at me more than once, to see if it still worked. Nope. I'm getting less in me and God is getting more. Sweet, even gaining inches deserves a high five.

I'm also tempted to take others problems and try to carry them as mine. When DH was sick in his alcohol addiction (when I knew about it), I internalized that. What wasn't I doing right? Why isn't he happy? How can I help? How can I fix it? When I discovered DH still was buried in alcoholism and way worse things than I could have dreamed up, I went right to that spot again. What did I do? That's not a healthy spot for anyone. Carrying someones sin is like carrying someones poison, it will eventually get you sick too.  Jesus is the only one built for that job.

Like everyone everywhere ever, I'm tempted everyday, with all kinds of stuff. But we are given a way out. We are PROMISED that there is always a way out of temptation.

                                             1 Corinthians 10-13
The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you can endure.

We are never once promised in the bible that we wont be given more than we can handle. But we will never be given more than God can handle. We are promised that we will never be given a temptation we can't handle. There will always be a way out, even if you need to stand and scream for God to help right then. (By the way screaming and freaking out in the middle of where ever, will work just as good as mangling own eye in public!) The enemy can't make you do anything, all he can do is dangle what he hopes will be appealing, in hopes you will take the bait. So if you ever come across someone saying the "devil made me do it", or other such nonsense you can totally call bull shit baloney. (I struggle with the temptation to curse, I'm working on it, I just smacked my own hand.)

When it was time for bed that night after class, DH and I were chatting about the lesson. I asked if he picked up any good tips, since I know I had. He starts telling me how much he has been tempted this week by other women..... Wow really? I was tempted to punch him right in his nose. You will be proud to know I didnt, I ended the convo by turning over and going to sleep. I didn't do so hot in avoiding temptation with my mouth though, I may have called him a name over my shoulder. 
The next day my heart was tempted to dwell on the why. Why does he look and want? Why does he think I'm boring and ugly? It was a rough day, not gonna lie.

I struggled with the flight or fight response. I wanted to pack everything and go. "Six months and he is already looking" I fussed at God. "Just look at me, not at him" was be my answer. I tried all day. I think the fact that when DH got home all he got was a luke warm reception, and not a boot up the butt is pretty huge. Its the small victory's that I'm choosing to focus on these days.

Irish Bastards Disclaimer::
{But... for the record.... No matter who you are, or what you have done, for goodness sake don't tell your wife you have been tempted by other women all week! Sheesh! We don't all have the amazing ability not to knock you out on the spot. Bring that first to God, then to a trusted christian male friend.}

the hangover

The class I take on relational problems had a retreat. I was squirmy at the idea of spending 3 days with this class. Three hours a week is rough enough as it is. In the end I'm am so glad I went.

I went with my husband. Let me reword that.... I drove there with my husband. After about 15mins of being there I was barely aware of him. I had another woman from my class as my roommate, and all the other ladies were in rooms on each side of ours. We studied together, we worshiped together, we ate together. Best of all they all understood as good as any other human could. We were in it together, and yet we were all there on our own walks. I did see DH there. It was nice seeing him, but I wasn't worried about him the whole weekend. Which for me is huge. I spent so much time with God, I think it was the first time I could feel and accept His love. It's hard for me to put into words. In the middle of nowhere with God I felt free. I'm not sure I have ever felt that before.

The next day was like a crash. A retreat hangover if you will. I woke up fully overwhelmed with everything around me. I was just so sad. I think I sobbed most the day. And on and off the whole week. I just wanted to go back. (Felt a bit better to find out in class the next week, all the women had a hangover). Its normal for God to let tears start cleaning out hurts, even hurts you thought weren't hurts.

Early this week I thought I would scrapbook.  I sat on the floor and opened the drawer stuffed with hundreds of photos. I ended up sitting there for nearly an hour. Its not like I have never looked through them before, but it was like really seeing them for the first time.

One of the first ones I happened to grab was of my daughters and me. We were at a concert. A friend and I brought six little girls to a Jonas Brothers concert. It wasn't some preplanned event on the calendar, planned it the week of. That was two weeks to the day of finding about the affair. My world had just been rocked. It was all good, I was making sure we had the time of their lives. After it was over, brought them home and the party continued well past 2am. Seriously? Who does that? Shouldn't I have been a puddle somewhere? Shouldn't I have been feeling pain? Sorrow? Anger? Panic? Anything??
Picture says I was having a blast. Its this mask. A happy grinning ear to ear mask. I feel safe when I'm smiling. Wow God, what the heck? Is this what you see? And that was just the first picture...

I grab another. I'm around 15 or 16. Sitting with a group of friends. We all smashed together, arms around each other, somewhere in the city. Smiling of course. That's all the picture tells, unless you know the whole story. Those kids are trashed outta their minds. So many drugs. I probably had a nice wade of cash in my pocket from selling all night. That night one of those friends got arrested. Found another friend with blood on her chin from chewing on her tongue all night, was she one of the kids I sold to? That mask was there, keeping me safe. When your smiling its all just a good time right? It was just a good time.

Another one out of the drawer. I'm with my best friend, around 17. Laughing sitting on the bed. I was living with her at that time. Her apartment had been raided by cops and her mom had been hauled off. I had nowhere to live at the moment, it was a perfect fit. She called me up and I moved in. We each had the others back. Who needs parents? When you laugh you can't feel abandoned.

Another picture. Same best friend. Standing with my husband. Arms around each other, grinning at the camera. I took this one a few years ago. It used to be one of my favorites. My two favorite people. Before I found out they had slept together... my stomach is starting to crawl. That picture gets flung back in the heap.

Another. I'm in the hospital holding my son. He is minutes old. I'm pale. Too skinny. Too sick. Don't remember any photos being taken since I was so out of it. Grinning of course. Sitting there looking at the picture, some sort of sick pride in me says "Look at that! Even half unconscious and still smiling!".  Man I need help. But can't be scared, I was too happy.

Another. There I am with my BIL. He is holding my oldest daughter when she was smaller. Taken maybe year after he had molested me while I was passed out drunk. Just a happy family photo. Luckily you cant feel shame when you have your safety mask on

Another. My cousin and I. Drunk at some party. Happy as ever. Matching smiles. Matching attitudes. Matching masks. God shows me one reason I couldn't go up his casket when it was time to say goodbye, I didn't want to see him without his smile. I wish I had. Maybe I would have seen his real face. God, it was his mask that killed him wasn't it?

Another picture and another and another. Why have I never really seen these before? Why have I never really seen me before?

I'm amazed with my God. I was so surrounded by His love there, I felt safe telling Him things. I had to get away from everything to realize He surrounds me that much no matter where I am. I finally rested in Him. I told him I was scared. I told Him I was done running. I told him I wanted to put this mask away for good. I told Him I was ready to let go, but He needed to show me how. I know this might hurt, and it might not be quick. I told Him I would trust Him. Please take the parts of me that don't reflect you God. I gave my mask to him to keep.

Then I got home to the hangover. I worry that I was rash in telling Him these things. Like when you know you were drunk dialing the night before, what did I say, did I promise stuff?? What will I do without my mask God? Where did you put it? I might have changed my mind. Can I have it back? Just for awhile? I'm scared. I have worn it as far back as I can remember. I don't know who I will be without it.

He hasn't given it back. And truth be told I'm both terrified and excited all at once.  I'm sure I will go hunting for it again, maybe even later today, who knows. Its hard to step out in faith. Its hard to hold someones hand you can't see. But I will. Even if on my bad days its to follow Him around to ask where He put my mask. He won't tell I'm sure, but maybe He will hug me and remind me, I wont need it where I'm headed.

hello my name is Irish Bastard, and I'm a sugarcoater

I learned a name for myself last week. Sugarcoater. OK so it doesn't sound bad, kinda sounds yummy, but that's what  makes it so dangerous.  Who doesn't like sugar right?

How to spot a sugarcoated person:
       person in question ~

• is always smiling.
• laughs through any problem and wants others to do the same.
• will bend over backwards to make others happy.
• will drop fights to keep peace.
• looks like they have it all together (perfect life, house, kids, etc.).
• gets annoyed with what they believe are whiners.
• never lets others see them cry.
• is very social and usually has lots of friends.
• makes excuses for past wounding (admitting someone was able to hurt them is not a "sugary" feeling).

Are you a sugarcoated person?
You read the above bullets and thought~

• the above list was great
• whats wrong with always being happy?  
• nobody wants to see others cry.
• of course I have a ton of friends.
• whinny people DO bother me, everyone has problems, they need to learn to deal with theirs.
• lets not dwell on the past.

If you agreed with the above list your totally covered in sugar.
My natural response would be, that's cool me too. We would probably get along great. I bet your a fun person to be around. Sugary people usually are. But now for the sucky part, you may or not be aware of it yet. I want to get the warning out to any other super happy candy people before its too late.

The downfall of people who wear protective sugar coats:

1.   They don't know how to let others help them if they are hurt.

• don't want to upset others by being sad/mad/etc.
• sometimes scary to even admit to others something is wrong.   

2.   If they are parents, they teach their children to act the same way.

• They even probably think that's a good thing.

3.   Often think they must be perfect before they can follow Christ.

• for the record this a HUGE lie of the enemy.

4.   Due to wanting to have it all together, they want to be helpful, so others can have it all together too.

• has a hard time telling others no.
• can easily become a doormat, might result in getting used.

5.   Often attracts (and is attracted to) certain types of other broken people.

• narcissist ~ best type of person for the "all about me show" is a sugarcoater. Sugar - always fun to be around, never upset, and best of all, they do everything they can to make them happy.
• emotional dependent person ~ this person can become addicted to how a sugarcoater makes them feel special.  
• other sugarcoater's ~ of course! Two permanently happy people what could be better right?

6.    Usually will try anything to stay happy (or stay looking happy).

• relationships, helping others - Making them happy, is gonna make me happy.
• drugs, drinking - 'Cause if you numb the pain, that's the same as happy right?

 7.    Can become very depressed to the point of suicide.

• Things that normally make me happy are no longer working.
• If I cant get over this problem, somethings wrong with me.
• I cant tell others, they don't even know I have problems.
• Having problems makes my husband, children, etc look bad.
• Nothing can fix it. 

I am not the only sugarcoater I have ever come across. My family is packed full of them. I think there was a pride in it. We pull ourselves up when we get knocked down, and the best part is we do it with a smile. I am the baby of the whole family, so I had the privilege of watching and learning and perfecting. I laugh and joke with the best of them. And I was modeling that attitude for my children. 

But now I'm a follower of Christ. I'm learning that its OK to smile, buts its also OK to cry.  Jesus lets me look back at past events and see them through His eyes. My cousins death is my biggest warning. He was also my biggest role model. He was happy on the outside and not on the inside. I don't want that to happen to me, or the people that call me their role models, my kids. The first step is admitting you have a problem right? So....
Hello, my name is Irish Bastard and I am a Sugarcoater. 
Oh wait that's not right, lets try this...
Hello, my name is Kings Daughter, and I was a sugarcoater. My Daddy is helping me to change things.

crafting is a fabulous band-aid

Two nights ago we went to a friends for a small Christmas party. The kids each got to shop and pick out a present, they wrapped them and made their own cards. I looked up a small craft online that the kids got to help with. It was the first art we have done together in months. It made me happy and sad at the same time, to see how excited they were that I busted out the glue gun. When shopping for googly eyes and pipe cleaners all three discussed extensively and decided together what size eyes and what bag of pompoms would be just perfect. It felt like they were grasping at how things used to be.

My six year old in particular was holding on with all her might to every fun little thing that was happening. It was hard to listen to what I could hear in her heart while she talked throughout the afternoon. "Mommy are we still going to make art?"  "Yes."  "Do you promise."  "Yes I do."  "Are we going to glue, and wrap and make food together?"  "Yes all of us."  "Oh good! I want us to all the time again!"  She had her little heart so ready for this special day, that it broke mine. Like she was worried this was her one and only day to have her home and mommy back to the way they should be.

She was smiles all day, and into the evening when we got to our friends. Towards the end of the party she started to cry. She cried on and off till it was time to tuck her into bed. I wanted to believe she was just tired and a little partied out. I wanted to believe so badly that at least my younger two were not being affected much. Thinking that would just be lying to myself again. Her tears told me the truth. Her special day was ending and she was scared it wasn't coming back. As I laid awake that night, all I could think about was her little face all streaky with tears when I told her goodnight. "I had fun tonight mommy, but I don't know why I'm sad."

I felt guilty that I have been holding back on this small thing that brings them so much joy. I felt selfish. Art is my release, always has been. When my heart was broken, it was the last thing on my mind. After awhile I started to feel my pain, and I started to draw again. The pictures were scary, dark and ugly. The pain jumped off the pages, so much so that I decided I was done. So I stopped ALL types of art. Sadly I had forgotten how much it can heal and help, them as well as me. Just because drawing is out right now, doesn't mean everything needs to be.

So I woke with a plan yesterday. 10 days till Christmas, and it will be fun for the kids.  I told the children we will be having a craft day. They were out of school for a snow day, so it worked out well. When I announced my plans, they ran around picking up, working together, chattering about what they would make.
When I tucked my youngest daughter into bed last night she made me smile. "Today was fun mommy, I'm happy."  This year has been different in many ways, and I found out this small difference has been huge to them. Yesterday we relaxed, crafted, watched movies, made cards and necklaces. Art in this house is like breathing, we need it. I promised myself  I won't be so self contained anymore not to notice.                  

some artwork from craft day

 

adultery = train wreck

I'm having an anxious day.  I don't know what the problem is, but all day I have felt off.
I suppose the same thing that causes the really bad days, is the same thing that causes the slightly wrong for no good reason days. Adultery is a train wreck. Having a husband with a sexual addiction.... well that's like a train full of puppies, crashing into a train full of orphans. Yeah its that bad. 
Some days no matter how good everything is rolling, you let stray thoughts invade. Its not even thoughts of the other women. Its the smaller day to day things that have been sneaking up on me.

Do you know any stereotypical gossips? I do, she lives on my street. The day I found out my husband was having an affair, she also found out. Swell. Didn't want her to know, but there it is. I will post about that day and the days that followed, but not today. Don't want that panic attack that has been hovering around my edges all day to turn full blown. Anyhoo... this lovely gossip I have the pleasure of knowing, has been spreading the word on my life to others in passing conversation. People I know and people that I don't. I feel like I no longer have "safe" friends or acquaintances to chat with, to relax with, everyone knows some version of the truth.  Most days I think whatever, I wont let it bother me. But other days, days like today... I want to hide. I want to stay indoors so I don't have to guess at who knows, what they know, what they're thinking, or saying. Why does she stay with him? Once a cheater always a cheater. She is so weak, probably doesn't think she can cut it without a man. No wonder he cheats shes so bitchy/bossy/stuck up/lazy/stupid/ugly/boring. Bet she lets it happen. Thoughts like that can turn me immobile and keep me in sweats all day. Sad part is I will even try to lie to myself. I have a lot around the house to do today, I don't need to go anywhere. The saddest part is when I catch myself in the lie. The result is usually a crazy little self fight in my head.~~ Yeah you might not have some huge errand that should get done, but your son needs to get out, fresh air, the park, maybe a play date? Nah he is totally content watching cartoons. No he isn't, and neither are you. You love to be out and about. Oh shut up, to much to do at home today I'm not going anywhere.

I am sincerely trying to get outta these little funks when they pop up. I pray, I read scripture, I do homework, I have decided to catch up on classic movies I have never seen, classic novels I have never read, new recipes, do my nails, do the girls nails.... seriously its not for lack of trying.  But the funks they come. I wish I knew someone who has been through this, so I could ask for a time line. If I could just know how long till I was going to be better. Sigh, I know the answer, God knows. And He aint telling.

I have noticed that the holidays seem to make the funks sorta cluster. Once October hits its non stop till middle of January. Other than the obvious holidays, there are two of my childrens birthdays, my birthday, and our wedding anniversary. I'm a holiday person at heart. I love to decorate and do a ton of fun activity's leading up to whatever fun day is coming. Normally arts and crafts cover our walls since its a favorite pastime with the kids. But not so much this year. I do try to rally myself, and sometimes there is success. Total hit or miss.

Halloween was iffy. There was one trip to the farm with only the baby, and took pics of costumes with a phone. It was lacking. My daughters birthday was a hit. Big slumber party, house festive, lots of giggles, crafts, games into the late night. I pulled it off, just like old mommy would have done.  Other things have been a total fail, like our tenth wedding anniversary. I had always wanted to renew our vows on our tenth.  When the day did come around though all I wanted was to stay busy so I couldn't dwell on what day it was.  DH ended up working late, my six year old came home from kindergarten with lice. Well got my wish. I was busy. De-licing the kid, and cleaning the house in fear of more freaky little bugs. It was so far from what I always dreamed that day would be like, it was  funny.... in a twisted sorta way. Thanksgiving I woke in total funk mode. Told DH he would be taking the kids on his own to our friends for dinner. I just wasn't up for faking a smile, and I sure as heck didn't want to spend it cooking. But when those plans fell through, I ended up cooking a small Thanksgiving dinner. It was the most awful dinner ever. On any given night we sit around the table laughing and joking, but not that night. It was depressing, almost completely quiet. DH looked like he would break into tears at any minute, the kids were fidgety and excused themselves as soon as they could.  Even now just weeks away from Christmas I feel like I'm failing. I love to involve the kids in all the fun things of getting ready for Christmas. But we haven't made one craft, one ornament , one card.

I see my kids look at me, they ask if we will be having a marshmallow fight. Or maybe play some hide and seek tonight? We haven't had family camp-out in months. They miss the fun, the carefree. I feel like that sparkle that once ran through this house is gone. I look at my childrens faces and wonder if they worry its gone too.

Adultery is such a ugly train wreak. The carnage is huge, and far reaching. It sinks into the smallest cracks of your life.  Every time you think you see where it all hurts, you discover something you missed. It affects every part of your life. Your marriage. Your self-esteem. Your innocence and trust of others. Your children. Your holidays. Your memories, even they are all distorted now.

But it does not effect my God. He does not have anxious days, or off days. Although my flesh is effected in every way, my spirit is not. He has that time line and I will wait on Him. Even when I don't want to.

Psalm 27:13-14

 ¹³ Yet I am confident I will see the Lord’s goodness
      while I am here in the land of the living. ¹⁴ Wait patiently for the Lord.
      Be brave and courageous.
      Yes, wait patiently for the Lord.

 

 

 

sucky island

I have been told this time in my life my emotions will hit me like waves.
The people warn, since they probably think the waves would be the scarier emotions like anger, fear and panic. There are waves, but they are calm, happy, and relaxed. Unfortunately the beach I'm standing on is all the left over awful feelings. When I'm lucky, I get slapped full on by a huge wave, and get covered up. That's a good day, even a great day. I feel the sand under my feet but its not bothering me, I feel calm. I'm having a nice day with my family, and dare I even say it even with my husband. But like any wave the water comes up and slowly goes back to where it came from. The waves have been lasting a few days at best before they are completely gone. When the wave of happy is gone, I'm stranded sitting on my little island of suck.

So there I was hanging out on my sucky beach last week when it was time to go group. This week it was about confession. I did my homework but really wasn't getting the point. How was confessing to God, Jesus and all the ladies in my class going to help? My plan going in was sorta like OK so I tell them all how I used to be awful. So what I'm gonna find out me being a sinner is the reason all this happened? The past is full of drugs, selling them, doing them, stolen cars, running money, fighting, the works. Then I'll probably hear how trying to fix it on my own, with the good mommy, good wife didn't work. I will learn my cover up didn't work, sin is like a stain that wont go away. So into the class I go, with my mind pretty much set on how its gonna go. And... once again I was mistaken.

I sat in the large group and listened to the speaker talk. By the time it was time to split into small groups I had no idea what I would even talk about. I sat back and listened to the other women talk. I watched them open up and talk about things like guilt that they had, stuff that hurt their hearts. I watched in amazement them be released from the strong hold of their guilt. They all talked about different things, no two had the same problems, but they all hit a spot in me. I could see their real pain see how deep their cuts were. I felt like I had no big heart confessions, so I shouldn't share this week. But just in case I sent up a prayer, I asked if there was anything I needed to say out loud and own. Anything God that you don't want me carrying? Something I don't even notice I have? Nope still notin. So I sat feeling OK with the fact I had nothing to really confess. Sweet I'm off the hook! When the last lady was done talking, the leaders turned to me, and wham! My heart was beating like crazy and I was nervous.(My honest first thought was, what the hell is this??)  I needed to talk, and needed to talk now!

Stuff that never crossed my mind came popping out. I confessed that I had anger towards God. I was mad that He has been slowly taking away all my security. First God sat back and let my brother kill himself. That was my family, where I would run when I was scared. (Whoa where did that come from? wasn't on my mind before) He took my husband away, the center of my world, the kids and I revolved around him. He took my best friend, He let her betray me. She was who I ran to when I needed to unload.  The guilt I felt when confessing was huge. In my head I KNOW God didn't do this to me, but in my heart I held on to it. I know people have free will, people will choose what they want to do.  I wanted someone to be at fault I wanted God to be to blame.  I could see everything I was confessing lined up in front of me. When my dark thoughts were brought into the light, I saw the bigger picture. I saw what God really wanted me to look at, what He really wanted me to confess. I was relying on others for what only God can give. He didn't want me to run to my brother when scared, he wanted me to run to Him. He doesn't want my life to revolve around my husband, and He doesn't want me to teach this to my children. He wants me to revolve around Him, and set an example for my children. And he doesn't want me to only unload to my friend, He wants that job first.

So I confessed.  I was released from the pain of blaming God. It felt great! I have felt lighter ever since. My own little miracle that I didn't know I needed, and that I hadn't understood  I could ask for. I learned, by relying on people before God, I was setting myself up for a big fall. He wants to be the place I stand, He will hold me up and keep me on my feet. My sin was hoping other people would keep me from falling. But how could they? They are in the same position I am, they need somewhere safe to stand. If your not standing on a rock your going to eventually get stuck and then sink in the quicksand.  My brother, my husband and my friend were all sinking. Don't get me wrong, God wants us to be there for each other, and help each other. But how can we help each other stand if we are sideways in the sand ourselves? You need to be able to stand strong, if you want to help pull someone else up.

Psalm 40:1-3 

  I waited patiently for the Lord to help me,
      and he turned to me and heard my cry.
  He lifted me out of the pit of despair,
      out of the mud and the mire.
   He set my feet on solid ground
      and steadied me as I walked along.
  He has given me a new song to sing,
      a hymn of praise to our God.
   Many will see what he has done and be amazed.
      They will put their trust in the Lord.

I get this now! Its my life at the moment. How did I get through life before understanding I needed to have my feet planted?? Oh don't get me wrong I rather not be going through any of this! But now I realize why my waves are not scary. Jesus is in the water, He is the water. I can see Him out there in the ocean on my good days. My goal is to get drenched and swim out to that His rock, and stay there forever. And leave this sucky little island for good.

John 4:14-16

 But those who drink the water I give will never be thirsty again. It becomes a fresh, bubbling spring within them, giving them eternal life.” “Please, sir,” the woman said, “give me this water! Then I’ll never be thirsty again."

John 7:37-38

Jesus stood and shouted to the crowds, “Anyone who is thirsty may come to me!  Anyone who believes in me may come and drink! For the Scriptures declare, ‘Rivers of living water will flow from his heart.’”

hot mess

Right now I'm a hot mess. I alternate between screaming, crying, denial... but not every minute of the day, only the minutes when I think about everything. And those minutes mostly happen when I am alone. The worse part of this hot mess is the rest of the time, when I have my mask on. Normally people describe me as either always happy or cheerful, I have even been accused of being perky. I'm that person that lets stuff roll off her back. People come to me when they want help finding the silver lining in something. I don't mind, I have always enjoyed my mask. But all the sudden it feels like its suffocating me. I'm not sure how to take off my mask, but I also don't know how to wear it correctly anymore either. It feels like when I'm smiling and getting through my day people are looking at me funny. Hmm is my smile crooked? Did I forget to let the smile reach my eyes? Oops better  fix that... make the eyes crinkle... ah that's better it looks like a real smile.

The only relief is when I pull away from myself and focus clearly on Jesus. That's not always easy. In fact this past week its been a fight. I get a glimpse of Him and try to hold on. Even though I'm using all my strength I still somehow slip away from Him. Its scary.

 I went to a class at church last night for relational brokenness.  Uuugh, part of me wants to stay home and stuff my face with cheettos, and still part of me likes to go. In some ways its nice to go there, where they didn't know me before. They don't expect anything. I can relax none of them have seen the mask.  Part of me dreads going, I dont always know how to act without my mask on. Its an intense class. It makes you look at stuff, and I don't look if it can be avoided. Looking sucks, it hurts. Plus this dang class looks at everything, all the way back. Oh yay fun lets sit in a circle and feel like crap together. Where do I sign up?

We had a speaker. Hearing him speak about laying stuff at the cross was motivating, seeing the spirit work throughout the room also very cool, to say the least. Frustrating that it seemed to move around me and not in me that night. Also frustrating to know that I WANT to lay stuff at the cross, but I cant seem too. I have before so I know its possible. But at the moment it feels like I'm flinging all my issues as hard as I can, but they are super glued to my hands, so nothing happens. So instead I just sit. Hands full of crap and watch other people start to break free. Its annoying. I don't like crap. 

The thing is a year ago I found out my husband had been talking to another woman. He insisted they were friends and nothing more, just someone to vent to. Well I considered it emotional adultery and my heart hurt. There was a ton of pain. I worked and worked for the better half of a year. I figured I wasn't emotionally "there" enough for him. I kicked trying to be super wife self into high gear. I dropped everything off at the cross and I felt awesome. My God pulled me through and I totally forgave my husband.

It was probably the hardest thing I ever did, and now looking back it wasn't much. That was a speed bump to the mountain I was gonna be climbing this year. In truth I don't feel like I'm climbing most days, more like sitting back watching the more experienced hikers. All that work I did, was all for a lie. They didn't just talk, she was more than that. He let me struggle with forgiveness, let me think he was trying, but in the end he was just working on perfecting his lying skills. And  man he got good. What happens when you lay things at the cross, to find out the stuff you put there were all lies or partial truths at best?

While listening to the speaker I felt panic rising up. All I could think about was two months ago, when I found everything out. I felt panic then, intense panic. I had hit my knees, (slammed may be a better description) and prayed and begged with everything I had in me. I prayed that this wasn't really happening, that it was a huge mistake. I begged that I wouldn't have to walk this path again. I begged if it was true, could I please just die right then? Felt like my prayers were bouncing off the ceiling back at me. That was the beginning of a month of utter numbness. I'm not sure if it was God having mercy on me and letting the shock protect me for awhile, or if it was just me in full detached mode, but whatever, I miss the numb. Numb sounds way better than the mess I have become.

Then  Mr. speaker warned if we had wanted to get out of the class, we should have done it at least a few weeks ago. (What? How did this guy know I wanted to book it right out the front door??)  He said we have all started to pull off scabs to wounds, (um ew) and if left the way they are now (apparently gaping and nasty) they would get infected and make everything worse. So it would be best to press through the rest of the classes and get these wounds cleaned up, and healed through God. Or at the very least on the road to healing. I'm not a patient person, staying anywhere for roughly another 5 months doesn't sound appealing to me. But the infection threat got to me, I dont want to know what worse looks like. So crap, I guess I'm sticking it out. 

just hold his hand

I have heard people say if you follow Jesus you will also share in His sufferings. I could never fully grasp what they were talking about.  I have heard people that were seemingly drowning in grief  , whisper their thanks to Jesus. This also totally baffled me. Why, I would wonder do they sound thankful? Heartbreak is NOT a time to say thank you to anyone, much less God.

These were my thoughts before my world started to unravel around me.

A few short weeks ago I received a phone bill covered in a number I didn't recognize. Ah you might be thinking, the same old same old. Husband cheats, wife believes in God, she forgives. Preach preach preach, blah blah blah. I don't want to preach, I want to punch, and scream, and cry. I'm on a ride I didn't sign up for. I am a christian but I didn't reach for God. He seemed (and still seems at times) too far away. Somewhere up in the clouds, not to be bothered. I numbed out, kept busy, yadda yadda yadda.

So I realized that wasn't working when I started to melt down at unhelpful times (eagle exhibit at zoo) I started looking for help. Luckily God has placed a few mature christian women in my life knowing I was going to need their knowledge now. It started to dawn on me I wasn't totally alone. They kept pointing at Jesus. I soooo didn't want to hear it. Where was He when my husband lied to my kids and I?

Then things got worse again. Hubby decided it was time to confess some more to me. Ugh, really could it get worse? Umm yeah, way worse. Almost 10 years marriage, there were at least eight women he slept with, one who was a  friend, and another who was my very best friend. That did it. I went running to Him. Almost without thinking I ran to Jesus. As I have heard a brilliant lady once say "He has to be real, the bible has to be real, or I have nothing. It was all of my hope". I understood.

He is here sitting holding my hand. He is my best friend. When I forget my big girl manners and my mouth pops off, He is patient. With all my rage and anger, He listens. When I have no words and lots of snot, He understands without me trying to struggle to get my thoughts straight. I have no idea where this roller coaster is headed. I don't know if my husband is at the end of it or not. I don't know if it will get worse. I don't know how long I will be in this awful dark scary place, but I do know I do not travel alone. My best friend holds my hand the whole way. He suffers with me. But he has the flash light and he sees the exit even though I cannot. He will lead the way, and be there when I get out. He is my hope and I thank him for it.