Saturday, July 6, 2013

time to go

Its time to go.
We are moving to another state. Right when I was ready to stay in this area and buy a house, the military said times up. Sorta funny how I would have given anything to move away a million times over in the past few years, now I'm cozy and ready to settle. Seems the last 5 years here have been more like 20. Oye the drama we managed to cram into 5 years, no wonder it feels like longer!
I moved here married to an alcoholic.
I lived here with a reformed alcoholic turned reborn christian.
I lived here with a reborn christian that was living a double life as a raging alcoholic.
I lived here with a God fearing man that I no longer trusted.
I lived here when I gave up.
I lived here when I heard God say me He loves me.
I lived here when I finally was able to believe Him.

My life crashed and burned here. My life ended here (I was a hot mess). Then mercifully restarted again here (lookie me, all shiny and new!).
We struggled, fell, got back up, got healed, got stronger, found purpose, and love here.
And now its time to go. The past stays here, though the lessons get to come with us.
Oh that healed, stronger, and purposeful love? That will so definitely be moving with us.

Psalm 147:3
He heals the brokenhearted
    binds up their wounds.

Psalm 30:11-12
You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing.
    You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy,
that I might sing praises to you and not be silent.
    O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever!

Tuesday, February 5, 2013


I got baptized the weekend before last. It was something I really felt for quite some time I needed to do. Notice I said needed not "wanted" or "thought I should". I did want to. And I also thought I should. But I did it because I needed to. I fought it. Of course right? That seems to be my pattern. For the record that's one of the reasons I got baptized. I had already decided to be baptized when I wrote my last post. I knew it was time to hand my whole self over to the only one who should be driving. I had been running things for so long on my own it was time to admit it wasn't working. The anxiety and nerves I had leading up to it were through the roof.

At our church they like to make a little video of the person speaking about why they chose to get baptized. I went today to film it. The video was hard, my mind went blank when I was asked what lead me to my decision. Found out if you get super nervous you get cotton mouth too...yay. This is the point I realized [A]  I will never be a public speaker, and [B] a camera staring directly into my face is NOT my happy place.
I am assuming getting any usable information out of me was probably close to impossible.  Trying to explain to someone how I came to the decision to be baptized without really wanting to explain my story was a struggle, for everyone involved.  In the end I felt like I did a lot of talking without really saying anything.

The past couple of years I would wake up almost every other day with almost a movie montage of awful events that have happened playing in my head to watch. Not fun, most of those days I just felt antsy, moved slower and got less done. Not cool.
When I was baptized two weeks ago it was like those awful movie reels and antsy feeling stayed in the water. Thank you God!

By the time we drove home I was a hot mess of emotions. The gross antsy feeling was back.
Tried sitting on couch and zoning out on phone. Didn't work. TV... nope. Pretty sure I was going to pop, so I went to DH in kitchen and sobbed on his shoulder. Poor guy didn't know what in the world was the problem. Sadly I was not able to help with that, I couldn't put into words my problem either.
After a week of having NO anxiety NO depression this attack was awful. Awful. My wonderful husband just hugged me and wouldn't let go. After while we walked to the couch and he helped me talk it out. He did most of the talking. I was amazed with him. As I listened to him I thanked God again. This man is a new creation! I can let my guard down with him, which frankly blows my mind a little. He is the only one right now besides God. I loved the way he said it too. He said we all have comfort levels and bubbles. My bubble is pretty big so it keeps people physically away and not near me, and God is OK with that.... right now. Comfort levels are how you interact with others, how much trust you have and how open you can be. But he thinks God is starting to work on my broken comfort level with people and that makes me nervous. Which is true.

I think just the fact that I am able to communicate openly with my husband is huge. I have a feeling I could have really talked to him months ago, if not years ago. I know he has been trying. He must be really patient with me waiting this long and letting God work in me. Talking with him and listening to him this afternoon really helped.
After our talk I went upstairs for a shower and just tried to tell God everything. I tried just being still before him, but just ended up sobbing my eyes out... again. Sheesh. The guilt I had for being so stubborn all these years, when God gave me so so so many chances to come to Him. For walking away chance after chance. His grace of still coming after me after everything. I'm just so thankful. All I could do was cry my eye balls out and say thank you.

I think what it mostly boil's down to was that I don't think I gave the big main reasons I have felt lead to baptizism  Main reasons would be, I had my guard up most my life, past few years I put them higher, even with God. I believed in God. I loved God. But I still didn't trust him enough. I was waiting for me to be better with no trust issues before I trusted God. Yes I am aware that makes little to no sense. When I realized I was the only thing blocking me from God, I came to the realization that I needed to surrender.
And a week ago I found out that was the best decision I could have ever made. Like I told the guy doing the video today, if you had asked me a few weeks ago I could have given you a million reasons why I was nervous to get baptized, but now after the fact I can't think of one. (Which was almost the truth, the dumb camera still makes me nervous.)

2 Corinthians 5:17

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Stand up

After dropping my oldest at her bus and getting my smaller two some breakfast I thought I would go snuggle next to hubby and get a few more minutes of sleep this morning. Almost as soon as I closed my eyes I was tossed into a dream before I had time to fall asleep, and saw 
what I need to do. 

There was a cemetery full of people I love. People that have died, people from relationships that have died. Old me was there with them all.  They were all sort of lined up. And there I was as I am now, facing them all. I started hugging them one by one telling them goodbye. They were all smiling. Then I walked up to old me. I hung on tight and hugged with everything in me. I was crying pretty hard watching her still smiling walk back with all the others. Then I turned to leave and started walking to the gate. I knew when I leave that cemetery, nobody there was going with me, and I never get to go back. I also knew God was waiting at the gate, and I was terrified since I couldn't see the gate, or God or where we were going. 

I opened my eyes and headed straight for the computer. (Although I did have to stop to blow my nose since it appears I was sniffing while I was asleep.) I had to write it down I didn't want to forget  it, although I'm not sure I could if I wanted to.

It was like it all clicked. I saw it and I got it. 

I understand God let me sit there with the dead for awhile. I needed that first year to say goodbye to so many things and so many people. But when I felt him tell me it was time to collect my things and follow him out, I sat down instead and made myself comfortable. 
I also know that God has helped me release so much. But I have never let him fix whats broken in me. To do so would admit that I have to leave the old me there in the cemetery. 

I have been depressed for at least a year, and have just now been able to admit it. My husband has been worried for at least the past year. Every time he suggests the idea that I might be, or that I might need some sort of help, I shut him down fast. But I see now he was right. I think sitting around with the dead for over a year will do that to anyone. Staying there wont make things go back to how they used to be. Sitting there studying how I used to be wont fix me now. I have to trust God.

I am ready to say my goodbyes. I am ready to follow God wherever He says to go. Its time to stand up and go. 

Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust in the Lord with all your heart;
    do not depend on your own understanding.
Seek his will in all you do,
    and he will show you which path to take.