tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-67599390232104256492024-03-13T07:39:55.999-04:00Irish Bastard / Kings DaughterA girl who loved God. Whose faith and trust were crippled when her world was rocked.
A girl who is currently messed up, not perfect, and still loves God. Who is determined to relearn trust, and how to fix her eyes on her heavenly Father.
irish bastard/kings daughterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09993900082824322316noreply@blogger.comBlogger40125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6759939023210425649.post-219528997973451182013-07-06T22:44:00.000-04:002015-02-09T09:34:02.728-05:00time to goIts time to go.<br />
We are moving to another state. Right when I was ready to stay in this area and buy a house, the military said times up. Sorta funny how I would have given anything to move away a million times over in the past few years, now I'm cozy and ready to settle. Seems the last 5 years here have been more like 20. Oye the drama we managed to cram into 5 years, no wonder it feels like longer!<br />
I moved here married to an alcoholic.<br />
I lived here with a reformed alcoholic turned reborn christian.<br />
I lived here with a reborn christian that was living a double life as a raging alcoholic.<br />
I lived here with a God fearing man that I no longer trusted.<br />
I lived here when I gave up.<br />
I lived here when I heard God say me He loves me.<br />
I lived here when I finally was able to believe Him.<br />
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My life crashed and burned here. My life ended here (I was a hot mess). Then mercifully restarted again here (lookie me, all shiny and new!).<br />
We struggled, fell, got back up, got healed, got stronger, found purpose, and love here.<br />
And now its time to go. The past stays here, though the lessons get to come with us.<br />
Oh that healed, stronger, and purposeful love? That will so <u>definitely</u> be moving with us.<br />
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<i><b>Psalm 147:3</b></i><br />
<i>He heals the brokenhearted</i><br />
<i> binds up their wounds.</i><br />
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<i><b>Psalm 30:11-12</b></i><br />
<i>You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing.</i><br />
<i> You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy,</i><br />
<i>that I might sing praises to you and not be silent.</i><br />
<i> O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever!</i><br />
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irish bastard/kings daughterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09993900082824322316noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6759939023210425649.post-9164575025211902952013-02-05T22:03:00.000-05:002013-02-05T22:03:43.060-05:00newI got baptized the weekend before last. It was something I really felt for quite some time I needed to do. Notice I said <i>needed</i> not "wanted" or "thought I should". I did want to. And I also thought I should. But I did it because I needed to. I fought it. Of course right? That seems to be my pattern. For the record that's one of the reasons I got baptized. I had already decided to be baptized when I wrote my last post. I knew it was time to hand my whole self over to the only one who should be driving. I had been running things for so long on my own it was time to admit it wasn't working. The anxiety and nerves I had leading up to it were through the roof.<br />
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At our church they like to make a little video of the person speaking about why they chose to get baptized. I went today to film it. The video was hard, my mind went blank when I was asked what lead me to my decision. Found out if you get super nervous you get cotton mouth too...yay. This is the point I realized [A] I will never be a public speaker, and [B] a camera staring directly into my face is NOT my happy place.<br />
I am assuming getting any usable information out of me was probably close to impossible. Trying to explain to someone how I came to the decision to be baptized without really wanting to explain my story was a struggle, for everyone involved. In the end I felt like I did a lot of talking without really saying anything.<br />
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The past couple of years I would wake up almost every other day with almost a movie montage of awful events that have happened playing in my head to watch. Not fun, most of those days I just felt antsy, moved slower and got less done. Not cool.<br />
When I was baptized two weeks ago it was like those awful movie reels and antsy feeling stayed in the water. Thank you God!<br />
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By the time we drove home I was a hot mess of emotions. The gross antsy feeling was back.<br />
Tried sitting on couch and zoning out on phone. Didn't work. TV... nope. Pretty sure I was going to pop, so I went to DH in kitchen and sobbed on his shoulder. Poor guy didn't know what in the world was the problem. Sadly I was not able to help with that, I couldn't put into words my problem either.<br />
After a week of having NO anxiety NO depression this attack was awful. Awful. My wonderful husband just hugged me and wouldn't let go. After while we walked to the couch and he helped me talk it out. He did most of the talking. I was amazed with him. As I listened to him I thanked God again. This man is a new creation! I can let my guard down with him, which frankly blows my mind a little. He is the only one right now besides God. I loved the way he said it too. He said we all have comfort levels and bubbles. My bubble is pretty big so it keeps people physically away and not near me, and God is OK with that.... right now. Comfort levels are how you interact with others, how much trust you have and how open you can be. But he thinks God is starting to work on my broken comfort level with people and that makes me nervous. Which is true. <br />
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I think just the fact that I am able to communicate openly with my husband is huge. I have a feeling I could have really talked to him months ago, if not years ago. I know he has been trying. He must be really patient with me waiting this long and letting God work in me. Talking with him and listening to him this afternoon really helped.<br />
After our talk I went upstairs for a shower and just tried to tell God everything. I tried just being still before him, but just ended up sobbing my eyes out... again. Sheesh. The guilt I had for being so stubborn all these years, when God gave me so so so many chances to come to Him. For walking away chance after chance. His grace of still coming after me after everything. I'm just so thankful. All I could do was cry my eye balls out and say thank you.<br />
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I think what it mostly boil's down to was that I don't think I gave the big main reasons I have felt lead to baptizism Main reasons would be, I had my guard up most my life, past few years I put them higher, even with God. I believed in God. I loved God. But I still didn't trust him enough. I was waiting for me to be better with no trust issues before I trusted God. Yes I am aware that makes little to no sense. When I realized I was the only thing blocking me from God, I came to the realization that I needed to surrender.<br />
And a week ago I found out that was the best decision I could have ever made. Like I told the guy doing the video today, if you had asked me a few weeks ago I could have given you a million reasons why I was nervous to get baptized, but now after the fact I can't think of one. (Which was almost the truth, the dumb camera still makes me nervous.)<br />
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2 Corinthians 5:17</h3>
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<span style="font-size: 16px;">Therefore, if anyone is in Christ,</span><span style="font-size: 0.65em;"><sup class="crossreference" style="font-size: 0.65em; font-weight: bold; vertical-align: top;" value="(<a href="#cen-NIV-28895A" title="See cross-reference A">A</a>)"></sup></span><span style="font-size: 16px;"> </span><span style="font-size: 16px;">the new creation</span><span style="font-size: 0.65em;"><sup class="crossreference" style="font-size: 0.65em; font-weight: bold; vertical-align: top;" value="(<a href="#cen-NIV-28895B" title="See cross-reference B">B</a>)"></sup></span><span style="font-size: 16px;"> </span><span style="font-size: 16px;">has come:</span><span style="font-size: 0.65em;"><sup class="footnote" style="font-size: 0.65em; font-weight: bold; vertical-align: top;" value="[<a href="#fen-NIV-28895a" title="See footnote a">a</a>]"></sup></span><span style="font-size: 16px;"> </span><span style="font-size: 16px;">The old has gone, the new is here!</span></div>
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<br />irish bastard/kings daughterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09993900082824322316noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6759939023210425649.post-53023156890041014182013-01-16T09:48:00.001-05:002013-07-09T22:38:49.320-04:00Stand up<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">After dropping my oldest at her bus and getting my smaller two some breakfast I thought I would go snuggle next to hubby and get a few more minutes of sleep this morning. Almost as soon as I closed my eyes I was tossed into a dream before I had time to fall asleep, and saw </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #fafafa; color: #1e1e1e; line-height: 25px;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">There was a cemetery full of people I love. People that have died, people from relationships that have died. Old me was there with them all. They were all sort of lined up. And there I was as I am now, facing them all. I started hugging them one by one telling them goodbye. They were all smiling. Then I walked up to old me. I hung on tight and hugged with everything in me. I was crying pretty hard watching her still smiling walk back with all the others. Then I turned to leave and started walking to the gate. I knew when I leave that cemetery, nobody there was going with me, and I never get to go back. I also knew God was waiting at the gate, and I was terrified since I couldn't see the gate, or God or where we were going. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #fafafa; color: #1e1e1e; line-height: 25px;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I opened my eyes and headed straight for the computer. (Although I did have to stop to blow my nose since it appears I was sniffing while I was asleep.) I had to write it down I didn't want to forget it, although I'm not sure I could if I wanted to.</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #fafafa;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It was like it all clicked. I saw it and I got it. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #fafafa; color: #1e1e1e; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; line-height: 25px;">I understand God let me sit there with the dead for awhile. I needed that first year to say goodbye to so many things and so many people. But when I felt him tell me it was time to collect my things and follow him out, I sat down instead and made myself comfortable. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #fafafa; color: #1e1e1e; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; line-height: 25px;">I also know that God has helped me release so much. But I have never let him fix whats broken <i>in me</i>. To do so would admit that I have to leave the old me there in the cemetery. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #fafafa; color: #1e1e1e; line-height: 25px;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I have been depressed for at least a year, and have just now been able to admit it. My husband has been worried for at least the past year. Every time he suggests the idea that I might be, or that I might need some sort of help, I shut him down fast. But I see now he was right. I think sitting around with the dead for over a year will do that to anyone. Staying there wont make things go back to how they used to be. Sitting there studying how I used to be wont fix me now. I have to trust God.</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #fafafa; color: #1e1e1e; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; line-height: 25px;">I am ready to say my goodbyes. I am ready to follow God wherever He says to go. Its time to stand up and go. </span></div>
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Proverbs 3:5-6</span></h3>
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<span class="text Prov-3-5" id="en-NLT-16437" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; position: relative;">Trust in the <span class="small-caps" style="font-variant: small-caps;">Lord</span> with all your heart;</span></div>
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<span class="indent-1" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="indent-1-breaks" style="line-height: 0;"> </span><span class="text Prov-3-5" style="position: relative;">do not depend on your own understanding.</span></span></div>
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<span class="text Prov-3-6" id="en-NLT-16438" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; position: relative;">Seek his will in all you do,</span></div>
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<span class="indent-1" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="indent-1-breaks" style="line-height: 0;"> </span><span class="text Prov-3-6" style="position: relative;">and he will show you which path to take.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: #fafafa; color: #1e1e1e; line-height: 25px;"><br /></span></span>irish bastard/kings daughterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09993900082824322316noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6759939023210425649.post-84446341230985937642012-11-27T21:00:00.001-05:002012-11-27T21:04:32.529-05:00woot woot!<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Can I get a woot woot!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Went through Thanksgiving and our 12th wedding anniversary, and they were wonderful! </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">We didn't do anything big for either, in fact they were insanely laid back. For Thanksgiving we got Chinese take-out, stayed in PJ's most the day, until it was time to go to the movie theater to see Wreak it Ralph. We were just a happy family. Not we-are-just-trying-to-get-over-some-really-tough-crap while still straining to be a happy family. Nope. Just happy. That's it. It was fantastic. And it was the same thing with our wedding anniversary. Real laid back. Decorated the house for Christmas with the kids. Watched some TV. Laughed a lot. Just enjoying being married. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Can God take a hot mess of a marriage and turn it around? Even when it looks hopeless? Oh yeeaah He can! He can turn it around, flip it upside down and inside it out. </span></div>
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Jeremiah 29:11</h3>
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<span style="font-family: 'Charis SIL', charis, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">For I know the plans I have for you,” says the</span><span style="font-family: 'Charis SIL', charis, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> </span><span class="small-caps" style="font-family: 'Charis SIL', charis, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-variant: small-caps;">Lord</span><span style="font-family: 'Charis SIL', charis, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.</span></h3>
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Psalm 30:11-12</h3>
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<span style="font-family: 'Charis SIL', charis, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;">You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Charis SIL', charis, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;">You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy,</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Charis SIL', charis, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;">that I might sing praises to you and not be silent.</span></div>
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<span class="indent-1-breaks" style="font-family: monospace; font-size: 0.42em; line-height: 0;"> </span><span class="text Ps-30-12" style="font-family: 'Charis SIL', charis, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; position: relative;">O <span class="small-caps" style="font-variant: small-caps;">Lord</span> my God, I will give you thanks forever!</span></div>
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irish bastard/kings daughterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09993900082824322316noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6759939023210425649.post-44806199106562567622012-11-11T00:07:00.002-05:002012-11-11T00:42:01.302-05:00oh no anything but the "look"<br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I forgive. I forgave. Only through Gods strength. Its true what they say, its the hardest and simplest thing you will ever do. Yet pain remains. Hmmmm why? What did I forget to do?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It has been dawning on me that I have yet to forgive myself. I hold myself accountable. I guess I never had thought about it before. But it makes sense, I'm the type of person that will do it myself, whatever "it" is, I do not need help. But I need help now. God in all is wonderful awesome wisdom did not make me to handle any part of this life on my own. He is breaking me, piece by piece and damn it hurts. I have been making it so much harder on myself that it needs to be. I have been fighting every inch every day for two years.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I was talking with a friend on the phone the other day and she mentioned her friend who is dealing with major betrayal. She suggested to her friend getting out and meeting new people and opening up might help her. How talking might help her. While she was telling me this, I FELT this woman's heart, even though I barely know her. It was not her sin, yet she has to hand it repeatedly over to God her father. The dirty feeling that won't go away. The anger at herself for not knowing what was happening right under her nose, the inability to shield her children from it. The fear of opening up to women again, for fear of the "look". The look that says "you poor thing." </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I joked with my friend and told her I would prefer anything to getting the "look". And its true. I hate pity. I don't want your help if it means you pity me.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I now see I gotta weird mix of pride and shame going on. I have a sinking feeling pride is skewing my vision, I can't tell the difference between genuine help and pity. Or a friendly face from a gossip.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I can barely look at people if they know any of my secrets. I have actually caught myself trying to cover my own face when my own husband asks how I am. I refuse to put down all of the bogus reasons things were done to me. I know they were bogus, I don't deserve what I'm holding onto yet I wont set them down. I'm still even holding on to the old me, and all the bad things I have done. I know God forgives me, yet I refuse to put down all the snapshots of the awful things I have done.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">My heart still holds on to what I cant forgive myself for. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">My head understands this isn't right. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">My God is destroying me lately since He is refusing to let this go on much longer. As much as it hurts I know He has to do it. Now that I understand that my shame and sinful pride are keeping me silent I have no excuse. I clearly FELT that other woman's shame, and yet at the same time I clearly SAW her need to release it. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I have released others, its time I let God release me too. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Time to get my head and heart aligned and moving in the same direction!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Hey God, I finally see what I think you have been trying to show me. I do understand I need to open up. Please show me what that looks like. I am terrified but God please show me how to put down my shame so I can forgive myself, and trade pride for trust and move on. Oh and God please in the mist all this please guard my children. Thank you for loving me so much that you are very patient with my slow learning. Amen.</span></div>
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irish bastard/kings daughterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09993900082824322316noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6759939023210425649.post-44447559002885707542012-10-03T14:30:00.000-04:002012-11-10T17:19:47.552-05:00people-person<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Just got home from lunch with DH and the youth pastor from our church. We went to lunch so I could explain why I could no longer lead with college girls. I'm suppose to be leading middle schoolers and my co-leaders were 18-20. I quickly learned I just cant do that age group. I'm still jacked up. I can't sit for more than a few minutes with a woman that age because all it does is send me right back to two years ago. The endless prattle of pointless crap that they think is the end of the world doesn't help either. Fucking super. I'm more messed up than I originally gave myself credit for. Lovely.<br />
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So sitting there trying to explain to this confused guy why I'm so messed up was about as fun as getting teeth pulled. DH stepped in to finish explaining for me. I'm upset with myself because that made me mad. How he could just sit there and so calmly explain how he butchered, mangled and finally killed the old me. "... then I buried her, her dreams, self respect, security, after I went out for a cheese burger." OK so maybe those weren't his exact words, but they were close enough for me. My favorite sentence from today's chat? "She is starting therapy for it next week so I think that will help." I know those words were not meant to hurt me, I know he loves me dearly. But I heard "She is pretty jacked up, she will be seeing someone for it, that way we can stop having uncomfortable situations like this."<br />
I think I need to give myself permission to be mad or sad or something. I'm not completely sure what it is I'm feeling these days. Whatever it is sucks, I know that much. When I forgave others I forced myself to have no feelings on anything. Well forgiving them releases them. And me.... if I let it. I haven't let it yet. I think there is some work to do. And I'm afraid to go back and do the work that needs to be done. Two years sounds like forever to me, shouldn't I be over this crap by now? Makes me want to scream but it would probably seriously disturb the kids, and the cat.<br />
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I only told the youth pastor what he needed to know. Total minimum. I wish that was all there was to deal with. Ha I just made myself giggle! I cant believe I just used the phrase "all there was" like 10 years of a husband with a hidden life wasn't much. I wonder if that poor guy is second guessing himself on having myself and DH around kids at all.<br />
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<br />irish bastard/kings daughterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09993900082824322316noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6759939023210425649.post-78394073053519263872012-10-02T22:35:00.000-04:002013-12-31T12:21:18.267-05:00totally get it... wait.. no, nope don't get itAt my old church very few people noticed if we weren't there on a Sunday. Or if I looked upset. I can count on my hand how many people even looked for us or asked when we left for good. That same small group of people were really the only thing I missed when we did go. Well I do sort of miss blending into the crowd there. People would say hello but never press for more, and I liked that. Being in a huge unpushy crowd is a lot like being by yourself, just more to look at. Its comfortable, like walking around a large city, lots of people but you can still think.<br />
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This new church well... its different. And with me the jury is still out if that's a great thing or a run screaming the other way thing. They notice if one or all of us is missing. They start convos with DH and my kids. With me it would be almost funny if it didnt suck so bad. They try and I shut it down. Its like a reflex I cant even help it. My son busted his face pretty good in his preschool class there last Sunday and today the childrens pastor called to check on him. Pretty normal church people stuff. But then she started chatting like we were old friends and I sat on my end of the phone like a boob.</div>
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DH and I are starting to serve in the middle school room and I was so excited about it. I adore kids and really love hanging out and listening to kids my oldest daughters age. Thought it would be a perfect fit for me. I got placed with two very sweet young women to co-lead a group with. One of them reminds me way to much of R. I dont know why. But there it is. 19 years old, sweet but sort of a twit. "Blah blah blah since I'm in college." and "Blah blah blah since I'm in college I know because I'm in college and I know everything about everything ever because I'm so grown and in college blah blah blah this boy giggle and he is so great giggle and blah blah blah." All I hear is R rambling on about DH. </div>
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Sunday morning I let the youth pastor know I rather lead a group with my husband. But no it couldn't be that easy could it? He asks "Sure, but why? Are you OK?" Errrr yeah? OK no, no I'm not.<br />
So tomorrow we will meet at Chick-fil-a to explain changing groups. And I'm not really sure why. Why do we need to tell him our old stuff? This whole open thing this church is all about is hard. Although I sometimes think I get it I guess I really don't Nope I don't get it. And I'm nervous. And I'm a mess. I feel awful that I can't work with that girl.<br />
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So.... still what the heck should we talk about with the youth pastor tomorrow? Maybe I shouldn't unload anything on him, that might be weird and way too much info for a chicken lunch. Hmmmmmm. Like I said before I really don't know with this church. They say to be open but I guess I'm so bad at that, that I don't know what that is suppose to look like. Who do I be open with? When is the time to share crap like that? And what all do you share once you have decided its time to open your mouth? And why do they want to know, why is that a healing thing? And who is going to stick around after all that uncomfortable crap has been laid out on the table. This is no fun since I don't know any of the answers. Bleh.<br />
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irish bastard/kings daughterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09993900082824322316noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6759939023210425649.post-31975629329486839992012-09-15T23:21:00.002-04:002012-09-15T23:26:42.763-04:00don't give up <span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I want to be happy again. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I want to be the happy-over-every-little-thing person again. Even when DH was still a total drunk mess and we were on welfare with no car, I was happy, like really happy and loved life. I sang songs and danced with my kids everyday. We played. Everyday. I loved being a stay at home mom, the house was always neat, because I enjoyed caring for my family and every chore that went along with it. I loved any reason to make a regular day special. And holidays? They were like the jackpot. Even if something was bad enough to make me cry, it never lasted long, something always cheered me up. That woman is gone and I don't know where she went. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I haven't been able to shake the thought the past few days that shes never coming back. DH says shes there and I have to have hope. He can see the change and he prays against it. I pray, but secretly I think maybe something inside of me broke and it cant be fixed. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Philippians 4:6</span></h3>
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<span style="font-size: 16px;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.</b></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">This is the verse I have been repeating to myself, it has been stuck in my head ever since I read it the other night. I was talking to God about it this morning after we got home from soccer games. I was telling him how I don't see anything in me changing. Telling Him the holidays are coming and try as I might I just cant make myself care. I cant make myself care about hardly anything lately, and it worries me. Here God take these worries please.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Then my phone buzzes with a text.</span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>Have you heard of that song called don't give up</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: magenta; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>No</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>I will email it to you. Its full of hope</i></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: magenta; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>I could use that right now. Thank you, I will listen tonight when I have a chance to get on computer</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>I'll send it now. I just heard it again.</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The email~</span></div>
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<span style="color: blue;">Hey,</span></div>
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<span style="color: blue;">I was going through a funk and this song came up at the right moment recently and it really ministered to me., </span></div>
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<span style="color: blue;">It still actually ministers...A lot to overcome ya know, but in the scripture it says "I will never leave you or forsake you" God is in control. </span></div>
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<span style="color: blue;">If you every need to pray let me know, Ive been known to pray and intercede. </span><span style="color: #888888; line-height: normal;"><br clear="all" style="font-family: 'Segoe UI', Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 17px;" /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The friend that sent the text and email is my daughters coach. She has no idea about anything going on with me. She really would have no reason to send me something to encourage, no reason to offer to intercede. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I just listened to this song for the first time tonight. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Wow God.... </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">There is another line to the scripture from earlier, something that I haven't been repeating to myself with the first half. I will be now. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Philippians 4:6-7</span></h3>
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<b style="font-size: 16px;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="text Phil-4-6" id="en-NLT-29409"><sup class="versenum" style="display: inline; font-size: 0.75em; vertical-align: top;">6 </sup>Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.</span> </span></b></div>
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<b style="font-size: 16px;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="text Phil-4-7" id="en-NLT-29410"><u><sup class="versenum" style="display: inline; font-size: 0.75em; vertical-align: top;">7 </sup>Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.</u></span></span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Something in me did break.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I cant fix it myself.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I will hand my worries to my Father.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I will thank Him for all He has already done.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">One day I will experience Gods peace.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">He will guard my heart.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I cant give up.</span></div>
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irish bastard/kings daughterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09993900082824322316noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6759939023210425649.post-69366145542453397612012-09-13T14:10:00.003-04:002012-09-15T22:04:44.655-04:00I think my "want to" is brokeMy house currently has piles.<br />
There is a giant pile upstairs in the hallway in the window nook. There is a small pile in each of my daughters rooms, one in my bedroom closet and one small one started near my sons closet. The piles are from going through everything and getting rid of what we dont need, fit or use anymore.<br />
I also have frames all over the house on the walls. Half full. Don't want to put a picture in if it isn't just the right one. Redid middle child's room yesterday. I redid the downstairs bathroom two days ago. Redid master walk-in-closet last week, (that one I'm pretty proud of, its like a small dressing room.) Redid the living room last month and the classroom as well.<br />
<br />
DH teases me all the time and says every 3 months or so I get antsy and have to rearrange the house, and get rid of things. And its totally true. Half of me wants to settle and make this house a home, and the other half of me is constantly trying to downsize so it will be easier to move. Its draining, but I cant help myself.<br />
<br />
Ever since DH and I decided we would try to stay in this area and then extend his orders, the antsy in me is in overdrive. We have just started our fourth year here. In Irish Bastard land that might as well be 100 years. Other than one six year stint when I was a kid I have never stayed in one place more than a year and a half, usually less than that. DH happily talks about buying a house to settle here maybe forever. <i>FOREVER</i>? Like forever and ever?? I get itchy and can almost hear the click of a lock to a cage.<br />
<br />
I want to want to settle, but as I have heard Beth Moore say, "I think my want to is broke." I can see the pros of staying here. My kids have friends here. My daughter goes to a middle school that is so perfect for her, and she loves it there. They are learning so much at church and would be sad to leave it. I don't want them to inherit the drifter gene that I seem to have. This also seems like a nice area to buy a house. The major cons would be all the bad memories and fears of running into people I don't want to see. Like my brother in law who lives maybe 20 mins away.<br />
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It seems every time I open my bible, or listen to a sermon, or read a book, or pray, I'm getting the same message over and over again. Stay where you are planted. Add to that trying to learn to be more open and real the itch to pack is like a physical force.<br />
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I have been praying on and off (truthfully halfheartly) to learn to be more open and start those relationships I think God wants me too. Other than getting a little ballsy two weeks ago and sharing this blog with some Christian women I admire I haven't done much. I figure that was an easy way to let some people into my world, but when I signed in and saw hits for the blog were in the hundreds just for those two weeks, I freaked a bit. Mathematically eight people shouldn't make numbers like that, so sharing felt like a ginormous mistake.<br />
<br />
And why all the sudden are perfect strangers and people I don't know that well telling me all their personal problems? Even on the first day of our new homeschool co-op I had mothers I just met unloading on me. I didn't mind they seemed nice enough, but other than listening I wasn't sure what to do. I cant fix it, dang I cant even fix me. Can we just talk about the classes for the kids now? Or how about the weather?<br />
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Hey God, you and I both know I was raised by a woman who drifted from spot to spot. My whole life she rarely attached herself to anything or anyone. Now she is in her mid 60s and has just now finally started to settle. God I don't want that same disconnected spirit! I don't want to keep the world at arms length. I want my want to fixed please. I promise God to stay where you have put me. I wish I could promise not to pace back and forth while here, but I can't. Please Father take this restlessness in my soul away. Oh and please let me know what the heck to say the next time someone tells me their life story... since you seem to keep sending them my way. Not trying to point the finger, just an observation that's all. I love you, thanks for being the one thing I could never ever walk away from.<br />
Amen<br />
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<br />irish bastard/kings daughterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09993900082824322316noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6759939023210425649.post-21787592393160603062012-08-27T10:32:00.000-04:002012-09-28T18:17:58.140-04:00word slapped with church talkTime to learn to be authentic and transparent.<br />
<i>I really dislike using "christian~ese" words, but it doesn't make the statement any less true.</i><br />
I am transparent on this blog, but how hard is that really? I write it anonymously, I don't have to sit face to face with anyone to dig deeper.<br />
<i>Wait. If I am deciding to be all truthful, even on this blog I hold back. I have more, but usually I don't even trust talking to myself about it.</i> <br />
I have been feeling convicted about lack of growing in my walk with God.<br />
<i>Well lookie I just cant help but bust out all the church talk this morning. Perhaps I'm over caffeinated. </i><br />
<br />
God has been doing what He loves to do, throwing things in my way to alert me. This time its to start building relationships again. I basically told Him no. <i> </i><br />
<i>Why?</i> Because I'm a stubborn brat. <i> </i><br />
<i>Why are you a brat Irish??</i> I DON'T KNOW! Sheesh.<br />
Really you would think I would have learned my lesson by now. God will continue to remind me, to correct me, to parent me. Its not like He has never ~ broken my foot... twice ~ took away my wheels ~ took away a flight home, BTW I'm still scratching my head over that one. Dad has totally showed me over and over again when He is done counting to 3, He will send me to the time out chair. Jonah eating fish anyone?<br />
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I have been evaluating everything lately, myself included. And I have noticed a few things. I have noticed how in the past year my husband as become more and more open. With everyone. He is not ashamed of his faith, where he has been or how God has healed him. I have noticed that the more open he becomes the more I shut down. I don't want to tell the world what we have been through. I don't want to risk people looking me and my family over and deciding they don't like what they see. I don't want to get close enough to care for people, that way it won't matter if, and when they don't care for me. I have noticed that the more I close myself off the more difficult it is to teach my children about God. I am not dense enough not to connect the dots.<br />
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DH and I have started training to lead in the middle school groups at church. So we miss a month of sermons when we serve. I listen to the sermons we miss on pod casts. One was about how even after you forgive there can be pain left over. The pastor said "Don't let the pain start to define who you are". Wow that blew my mind. That knocked around in my head for like two weeks. I knew the thought wasn't going away so I should do something about it. I mention it to DH as service was wrapping up a few weeks back. <br />
<br />
He was super excited that I was ready for help and literally seconds after telling him he was jogging up the isle and chasing the pastor down. He was so excited he also did all the talking. No not embarrassing at all, nah not even a little. What a butthead. But as it turns out that was the first step to listening to what God has been asking me to do. I ended up making an appointment to talk with one of the pastors. Who recommended talking with a councilor, who I will see later next week. He said "unpacking" everything will help free me up to move on in my faith. I'm nervous to go, but I will go anyway. I know its time to get better. I have talked to DH about it and also my small group leader. I have decided after lots of prayer its time to take a step back from small group. My family will continue to go. I have realized that I was trying to play catch up with my husband. He is in a different place in his walk with God right now, I cant keep running to try to catch up, its wearing me out. Its also depressing when you try to compare your walk of faith with anothers walk. I would never force my kids to play catch up with each other. My seven year old can read but I don't demand she read novels like her 12 year old sister. To do so would make her dislike reading, and cause her to stop wanting to learn at all. And I think that's what God is trying to show me with my husband. He is reading novels, and that's great, and even though I'm still reading Fancy Nancy that's OK too. <br />
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Last night I decided I will stop telling God no. I am going to make a concentrated effort to focus on God. I will get myself centered in Him and only Him. I will do the work of building relationships again (even though I really really don't want to). I will because that's what He wants me to do. I will because to find and move forward in my ministry, I have to. I will because I refuse to hold my family back when I can see them starting to fly.<br />
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I will embrace the christian~ese and take steps to get all authentic and transparent up in huur. (FYI its funner if you say that in your most gangsta voice.) <br />
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<br />irish bastard/kings daughterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09993900082824322316noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6759939023210425649.post-34048171955566116152012-05-31T00:13:00.001-04:002012-05-31T00:25:23.668-04:00Awww c-c-crrrrap!Well. I am totally homesick today. Which frankly for me is weird. Yeah I mean I miss people and I miss places, but almost never to the point where it really bothers me. Today it bothered me. A lot.<br />
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We had a retirement to go to this morning. Well crap... were are my slacks? I no longer own even one pair of dress pants? I have a few nice tops, but nothing to go with them. How the heck does that even happen? I mention the predicament to my oldest who is up getting ready for school. She offers her black slacks she wears for chorus. Ah ha! Thanks honey! I dart to her room, happy we are close to the same size. I find the pants. She had hemmed them with duct tape, which I pulled off since I'm still 2 or 3 inches taller than her. The tape left gooey white smears on bottom of the black pants. OK that's a no go. So time to tear up my closet again. Hmmmmm lets see I have cocktail dresses, not appropriate. What else? Jeans, lots of jeans. Yoga pants, sweats, and some Dickes. I tell hubby I cant go, I have nothing to wear. <br />
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Soon after the tears start. I suddenly miss my old friends. I miss my tattoo covered, Dickie wearing, hairy, drinking, smoking, skating, blue collar, swearing, always inappropriate friends. I miss fitting in, not having to act a certain way, look a certain way. I miss feeling at ease, totally myself, super loved, knowing they all have my back and I have theirs. I never had to explain myself, we all for the most part come from the same place, seen many of the same things and lived to tell the tale. I got them, and they got me. No matter what they would still be there at the end of the day. <br />
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Not finding something to wear normally does not start the water works. Not owning dress slacks normally wouldn't send me on a homesick binge. I dont know maybe I'm extra hormonal today, maybe PMSing a little early, who the heck knows. All I know is it really hit me today, hard.<br />
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Military life has been easy for me when referring to the moving aspect. It wasn't hard for me to leave home. It wasn't hard for me to meet people once we settle in. I make friends, good friends but moves happen. I will miss them and keep in touch with the ones that have turned into family, and carry on make new friends, no big deal. Well.... I used to anyway.<br />
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People person me has vanished. I suppose its a trust issue. I think the past is trying to kick my ass. Everything that I have found out in the past couple of years for sure has got to be part of the trust thing. Trust took a big hit when some friends stopped talking to me when I decided to stay with my husband. Gotta tack on things from farther back in my past that I had never dealt with until last year. All added up I feel like a freak show from a bad Jerry Springer re-run. <br />
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I feel like I just dont fit anywhere. I have lost the ability to relax, my guard is up even when I wish I could put it down. Put me in a room full of people and most the time I have a strong fight or flight feeling. <br />
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Now we are at our new church and meeting lots of new people. I love the church, and am totally scared of the people. How messed up is that? In the past two years I have developed a stutter when I'm nervous. Isn't that just the best? Just turned 31 and just started stuttering 2 years ago. Every time someone wants to talk to me I mostly shut down.... I dont want to sound like Forest Gump. And the bonus to make my spanking new stutter even better? I'm super fidgety, mostly to keep myself for just getting up and walking away. Yuppers, just freaking fantastic. <br />
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This has not always been a problem, I'm a very social person. Being in new situations and around new people is where I thrived. Even now I am OK once I get to know the person, old perky talkative me is usually right there. But its this whole new shut down me that I'm not sure how to move past.<br />
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I have made a few good friends here over the years. In the past few months most have moved away. Two more are preparing to move, one at the end of the month, hence the retirement this morning. And the other at the end of this week, that one will be the hardest. I am myself around her. I will miss her tremendously.<br />
Feels like one of the last places I really fit here is leaving.<br />
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At small group tonight we talked about prayer for a few minutes. And I was completely honest when I said I talk to God throughout the day. Because for me talking to God is easier than talking to most people. I am so thankful that God is there 24-7, I never have to worry about trust with him, I fit with him just perfect and I dont even stutter.irish bastard/kings daughterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09993900082824322316noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6759939023210425649.post-82796567418245194202012-05-30T00:05:00.001-04:002013-12-31T12:27:29.104-05:00is there a special Benedryl for this?Yay!<br />
I found some other blogs, others who are walking where I walk. They are blogs about this same road of relearning everything you ever thought was true about marriage, loving, and living. Sometimes even relearning how to take calm breaths so you dont freak out and hyperventilate.<br />
I have searched in the past, but never really came across anything. I haven't searched in a long time. But I did search tonight. I was hoping to find answers. And halleluiah I found one! Right off the bat even. Its written by a man who survived his wife's affair. God healed their marriage, but even years down the road he struggled. They are happily married now, but he still struggles. And I have my answer, no I'm not a freak. And other than God Himself, only others that have been through infidelity will ever truly understand. I have added a blogroll on this site to link to other blogs, I have added his. /<a href="http://wemadeitblog.blogspot.com/">http://wemadeitblog.blogspot.com/</a><br />
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I searched tonight because lately it seems like the past has been chasing me down. I am in love with my husband, we are getting along great, but yet I struggle. I fight it thinking surely enough time has past where I should be "over it" right?? Then why do I sometimes wake in a sweat, same old nightmares? The ones where some lady I dont know is running off with my husband and taking my kids with her? Things send me back. It happened on Easter and has been off and one since then. Someone had mentioned maybe I was mostly worried what that women from my past had thought of me, but it was more about what I thought of me. I see that woman every other week now and she doesn't bother me in the least, I even stop to chat, I'm starting to enjoy her family. When I saw her the first time it stirred all those old things to the surface, it stirred the old me to the surface. The one I try to forget, the one who didn't like herself much. The problem is I dont want to ever go back to how I used to feel almost all of the time. Nothing but a stupid loser, a failure, an ugly frump, someone my husband had to marry because we had a baby.<br />
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Some days it feels like everything has been good for so long, this good stretch must almost be over. That my fairy tale ending will be ripped away from me. Lately its a little more than I can handle. I feel a little nuts that its seemingly popping up out of nowhere. Sunday at church felt suffocating, I totally had the flight or fight feeling the whole time. Then to make matters worse some lady I barely know had to sit right next to me as I'm trying not to break down and all this woman is doing is trying to make small talk. Oh hurray now she is leaning into my face asking if I'm OK. Oh lady please go away, I do not do well with people in my personal space as it is, and right now it feels like your sitting on my freaking lap. Cool service is over, excuse me as I basically jump over your busy-body butt and run out the door. I hate feeling trapped like that. Its been happening at home as well.<br />
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I am familiar with this feelings, they all started after D-day. I wonder if these little bouts of flare ups are something that's to be expected for the rest of my life?? I notice sometimes its almost like an allergy. Something triggers it. Now I figure I wont be able to spot all the triggers but maybe I will get to where recognize some so I can avoid them. One I know for sure is the D-day anniversary which is coming up. But the coming up to day I'm starting to think is the worse part. Its the part where I see where I was totally oblivious and see where my kids were totally secure and I see what I didn't see then, I see where my husband was. And who he was with.<br />
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Its such a sharp distance from where we are now. Some days its so far removed and I could probably openly talk about it without so much as a twang. Then other days its like it happened last week, I can barely breath.irish bastard/kings daughterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09993900082824322316noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6759939023210425649.post-79677506511365296592012-05-18T00:43:00.000-04:002012-05-18T01:05:31.445-04:00miracle for all?I went to a church small group last night. We were discussing miracles when one of the leaders asked the question, who do you think miracles are more for, believers or nonbelievers?<br />
Wow that question got me thinking. <br />
<br />
The passage we were looking at last night was <span style="background-color: white; color: black;"> </span><a href="http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Mark%205:21-43&version=NLT" style="background-color: white; color: purple;"><span style="background-color: white;">Mark 5:21-43 click here </span>to read passage.</a><br />
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Jesus has been asked to go save a mans little girl. She was dying. So off he goes. But it wasn't just Jesus walking along to go to the girl, it says how large crowds pressed in around him. During all this commotion a woman gets near enough to Jesus to touch his clothes in hopes of being healed. A miracle happens and she is healed instantly. Jesus stops the crowds, and asks who touched him (as if he doesn't already know). <span class="text Mark-5-34" id="en-NLT-24372"><span class="woj"><br /></span></span><br />
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Who was this miracle for?<br />
Was it for his faithful disciples? Was it for the followers in the crowd who believed and wanted to learn more? For the people that just tagged along because they were curious? For the nonbelievers that just happened to be milling around as the Jesus parade went by? Or was it solely for the
woman who was healed?<br />
<br />
That day I figure the disciples were in a full blown, all business, get it done, type of mode. Jesus was needed somewhere and it was life or death. There are giant crowds literally pressing in around them, which I'm sure made it very difficult to get anywhere, much less anywhere quickly. They were probably totally focused on the task at hand.<br />
<i>Ugh, dont these people see that we are trying to get our Lord safely across town? I wish they would take the hint and get out of our way, we do not have time for this, we have somewhere more important to be! If one more sweaty person asks me a question I might just slap them.... </i><br />
But then Jesus stops and takes precious time to heal and talk with a woman. In the passage the disciples even question him a bit, <span class="text Mark-5-31" id="en-NLT-24369"><u><b> </b></u></span><br />
<span class="text Mark-5-31" id="en-NLT-24369"><u><b>“Look at this crowd pressing around you. How can you ask, ‘Who touched me?’” </b></u></span><br />
<span class="text Mark-5-31" id="en-NLT-24369">translation, "Dude why did you stop?!".</span><br />
Maybe the disciples were the ones who needed to see a miracle. Life will always rush on, there will always be something that feels like it has to get done first, people that feel like they are in your way getting there. Maybe some devoted disciples saw that Jesus thinks its OK to slow down, that he has his own timeline, our schedules dont always line up with His.<br />
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I can imagine the people in the crowd that were so excited to be there with Jesus, so excited they might hear him speak, might learn things to go home to share with their families and friends. They were hoping to see a miracle.<br />
<i>Jesus is headed to heal a dying girl! How exciting, we might see some sweet child saved! Lets go this is going to be great! Wait Jesus stopped.... and he is talking to </i><i>her?</i><br />
The woman He healed had been bleeding for 12 years. She would have been a complete outcast, no one would have wanted to be around her, and the passage adds the fact that she is broke. <br />
Maybe these excited new believers needed to see the miracle. Jesus will just as soon heal a homeless unwanted misfit, as a rich mans young daughter. <span class="text Mark-5-34" id="en-NLT-24372"><span class="woj"> </span></span><br />
<b><u><span class="text Mark-5-34" id="en-NLT-24372"><span class="woj">"</span></span><span class="text Mark-5-34" id="en-NLT-24372"><span class="woj">Go in peace. Your suffering is over.”</span></span></u></b><br />
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There were the curious who were just there because their friends dragged them there. <br />
<i>Ok so I've heard a lot about this Jesus guy, I guess I will check it out.</i><br />
What about the nonbelievers who didn't even want to be apart of the crowd that day? <br />
Then BAM a woman is healed! There was no weird magic words, no money being passed around, no giant show. Jesus just saw a suffering woman and completely healed her!<br />
Maybe it was the curious and nonbelievers that were the ones who needed to witness the miracle. There was no slight of hand. He is real. So real that a woman reached out and touched Him and was healed.<br />
<br />
Then there of course is the woman herself, the one who was healed. <br />
Can you imagine being the one caused the giant crowd to stop?<br />
<i>Oh no, they will know it was me. Now Jesus is looking for me. I took the healing that was meant for that little girl. He has more important places to be, his healing was wasted on me.... </i><br />
<span class="text Mark-5-33" id="en-NLT-24371"></span><b><u><span class="text Mark-5-33" id="en-NLT-24371">Then the frightened
woman, trembling at the realization of what had happened to her, came
and fell to her knees in front of him and told him what she had done.</span></u></b><br />
<span class="text Mark-5-33" id="en-NLT-24371"> </span><span class="text Mark-5-33" id="en-NLT-24371">Maybe this woman needed to see the miracle. Not just the physical healing of her body. But the healing of her spirit. She is precious in his sight, he loving calls her is own, </span><span class="text Mark-5-34" id="en-NLT-24372"><span class="woj"><b><u>“Daughter, your faith has made you well." </u></b></span></span><br />
<br />
<span class="text Mark-5-33" id="en-NLT-24371"></span>I think perhaps He preformed the miracle for all
of them.<br />
Seriously who doesn't need to be touched by God?<br />
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<br />irish bastard/kings daughterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09993900082824322316noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6759939023210425649.post-71558476380154782892012-04-10T10:18:00.000-04:002012-04-10T11:58:54.895-04:00still so crippledLast night for the first time in a long time I fell asleep crying my eyes out.<br />
Let me back up a bit, since I feel like it all just snuck up on me. <br />
<br />
Yesterday was Easter. We celebrated at our new church which I love. DH the kids and I went with my cousin who was with us for the holiday. Our next door neighbor, and her son also went with us, she has been going weekly for a few weeks now. And DH invited someone from work to go.<br />
<br />
The man he invited used to be stationed with us at our last base years ago. He used to drink and party with him. That really doesn't bother me, I am confident this man and any habits he may still have won't affect my husband or his faith. The mans wife on the other hand isn't on the top of my list of people to hang out with. Ever. She is best friends with one of the women my husband cheated on me with.<br />
<i>Hi God.... I'm afraid seeing these people will affect me, and I'm terrified they will affect my faith, please help. </i><br />
<br />
We arrive at church and DH parks right next to them. I wanted to be OK with what he sprung on me that morning, so I smiled and lead her and her kids to the childrens room. Showed her how to sign them in and where to pick them up. The whole time she was staring at me. I know what she was thinking, she was thinking of all the things her friend had told her. I ignored the stares, smiled and chattered on until we had found all the men and my neighbor in the lobby.<br />
<i>Hey God its me, can you get her to stop looking at me like that? </i> <br />
<br />
We head into the auditorium. We all file into the aisle, I make sure I am towards the front of our line and tug DH behind me, that way I wouldn't have to be near her or make any type of small talk.<br />
<i>Oh no God are they going to keep coming here and sit next to us every week!? I dont know if I could do that, please help... </i><br />
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I decide to focus everything I had on singing with the worship. Then DH tips his coffee over. Oh no, we are NOT about to switch seats around! My cousin who was on one side had to scoot over, so there was an empty sit between us, but other than that no one else had to move, my mini almost-crisis was adverted.<br />
<i>Pay attention to worship and get over yourself woman</i>, I fuss at myself. <br />
<br />
I wanted the past for once not to bother me. With everything in me I wanted it not to bother me, I wanted to not be wondering about the conversation this lady three seats away was bound to have with her friend, my former friend.<br />
<br />
But unfortunately the memories were crashing around me, crushing me. <i>God help, please make it stop, we are better now, its not like that now. Help me focus on you Lord. </i><br />
I wanted to not remember rejoicing with that former girlfriend when she found out she and her husband were expecting another baby. Crying with her when their orders were up and she was moving. She was pregnant and I had just had our third, she wanted the babies to be friends. I gave her a a collage frame with photos of her and me, our husbands, and our kids all piled up together. She called a week after moving, she found out she was having twins! I was so excited for them! I talked to her husband for a minute and he couldn't stop laughing he was so happy, he wished we were neighbors still, with all these kids it would be crazy!<br />
I call right before our move, her husband answers... he sounds like he has been crying.<br />
Is V there I ask.<br />
Its not a good time, he is going to pick her up from hospital, there are no more babies.<br />
Oh no... I'm so sorry, please tell her I promise to call as soon as I get to new duty station.<br />
When I get off phone I cry my eyes out for them.<br />
....but she was the first one to make the call after I move. <a href="http://irishbastardkingsdaughter.blogspot.com/2010/11/even-if-he-has-to-use-cat-to-show-his_28.html" style="color: #674ea7;">I talk about it a bit in another post.</a><br />
I learn about her and my husband. I can do math, that's the month she got pregnant. Those babies could have been MY husbands. And she knows it. It would have been obvious whose babies there were if they were born, my husband is white, her husband is black. Total 50 50 odds. Tightness in my chest when she admits it, and relief in my heart that she lost them.... I never asked if she miscarried or aborted, I didn't care. I'm not sure I do now...<br />
<i>God! Please, help me! My heart is still so sick and in need of help in so many ways. God I'm mad he brought these people here! I'm mad I remember! I'm mad this women three seats down knows things even I don't. I want to have my heart line up with what I know is right and good. They need you as much as I do, you love them as much as you love anyone. You loved those babies regardless of.... I cant even finish my prayer God.... it makes me sick. I'm so ashamed. Help me.</i><br />
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Then a song got played that just wreaked me. Carbon Ribs by John Mark McMillan.<br />
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At that moment for some reason it felt like my cousin that passed away should be there. I could almost hear him laughing and joking with me about that woman, slapping my knee. I looked to my right and saw the empty seat between me and his big brother, and realized he <i>should</i> be there, that's his spot, like it was left open for him.<br />
<br />
<b>Psalm 90:12</b><br />
<b>Teach us to number each of our days so that we may grow in wisdom.</b><br />
<br />
The verse from Psalms fills my head, pushing everything else out.<br />
My very direct answer to my prayer to stop focusing on some woman three seats to my left. Remembering someone who should be here but isn't, gave a glaring reminder of how short life is. It did its job of helping me to remember to number my days and be grateful for where I was and who I have in my life. I was less annoyed at DH for inviting this family from our past, I was proud of him wanting to share his faith with people who need it for themselves.<br />
<br />
And the song Carbon Ribs continued to play. <br />
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<i>And one day when I'm free<br />
I will sit<br />
The cripple at your table</i></div>
<br />
I realize how much farther I have to go in my healing. <br />
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Gods reminder for me to number my days and to be grateful really stuck with me the rest of the day.<br />
As the rest of Easter day wound down there were no more thoughts of this woman or being annoyed. We enjoyed a great sermon. Spent a little time at the beach. Gave lots of hugs when it was time for our cousin to leave. There was a egg hunt and pin the tail on the bunny for the kids at a friends. Relaxing at home, naps and candy. Then before bed we hid eggs for our kids, turned out all the lights, gave them all flashlights and had the best egg hunt ever!</div>
<br />
DH and I sat on the couch after our kids were asleep. He was watching t.v. and I was finishing up a book I have been reading called <u>Loving</u> written by Karen Kingsbury. I finish up my book and glance at DH and say "sometimes I just wish we did everything Gods way from the beginning." I didn't mean anything big by it, just sort of wistful, since I just read about a girl who waited for her husband and has loved God and followed Him since she was a small girl. <br />
<br />
DH gets angry with me, says what you wish our oldest daughter wasn't born? (She was born 5 months before we were married.)<br />
Of course I'm glad she was born, thats not what I meant! I just wish I had lived for God my whole life and avoided all the messes. She deserved to be born into a whole family.<br />
I ask DH, what you never wish you lived the way God wanted you too sooner? <br />
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"I dont bother wasting my time regretting what has already happened."<br />
WHAT?!<br />
<br />
Now I'm hoping there was some type of miscommunication going on there with that conversation.<br />
<br />
But what I heard was he didn't regret anything. At all.<br />
I ended the conversation and went to our room. Went to bed, and the tears came. I couldn't stop crying. He never came after me, and that made it worse. I fell asleep wishing I had been a girl who had loved God her whole life. That came from a home that had planned her. That feel in love with a man who had wanted no one but her. Whose kids never knew a broken home. That I could bring anyone to church and it wouldn't matter, there would be no crazy story attached to them. That I wasn't so broken that twins lost before birth didn't bother me... not even a little.<br />
<br />
<i>I remember the verse God... but I feel like we wasted so many of the days you gave us.</i><br />
<i>I dont deserve you, and I will someday truly be a cripple at your table.</i><br />
<i>I know I can't fix the broken places in my heart without you. </i><br />
<i>Please help me, Amen</i><br />
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<br />irish bastard/kings daughterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09993900082824322316noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6759939023210425649.post-21953060878975356132012-04-05T08:51:00.000-04:002012-04-05T08:51:45.338-04:00"...for they dont know what they are doing."With Easter just a few days away a thought occurred to me while I was falling asleep last night. I was laying there planning fun things to do with my younger two who are homeschooled, no schoolwork for the next two days before spring-break, just fun crafts or recipes. Typical Easter things were formulating in my head, bunny crafts, flower crafts, making little nest snacks with chocolate, coconut and jelly beans.<br />
Of course we had been learning in school the real meaning of Easter, how Christ went to the cross for us and then rose again after three days. My kids know the story, but I wonder how much they really understand it? They are still fairly young, have been fairly sheltered, and the worst sin I imagine they have done is lying.<br />
Hmmmmm..... wait....lying is a biggy.<br />
Wait just a minute...they have stolen too... maybe not a car or robbed a house, but stealing from each other. Stealing is big.<br />
They have coveted... barbies, toy cars, clothes and Lego sets. Coveting is a big ol' ugly one....<br />
Ok so they sin, maybe they understand better than I was giving them credit for.<br />
Maybe I misunderstand, thinking somehow children are immune to ugliness, that Jesus went to the cross only for certain people.<br />
<br /> <br />
Christ went to the cross, and died a sinners death, yes?<br />
For which sinner? Death for the bigger sins like murder, adultery, cannibalism? Or the more mundane day to day ones? Lying, pride, gluttony? Bible says <u><i>all </i></u>sin leads to death. So if it all leads to the same place, with no detours, doesn't that make them all equal? That is not what most people want to believe, they want justice! The murders should die! The people that torture children should die painfully slow deaths! While we are at it throw all the dictators, prostitutes, gays, politicians and people that don't believe the same as us into the fire too!<br />
<br />
But no, that's not how it works. All sin leads to death. All of it. We do not get to put them in any special order. Though most people like to pick and choose what they think is the worst.<br />
<br />
Gossip. Pride. Vanity. Gluttony. Sarcasm. Judging others.<br />
Those are all socially acceptable, applauded even. And I'm guilty of every last one of those. <br />
<br />
But some 2,000 years or so Christ stepped up for us. He who never ever sinned not even a little. He became sin for us. For every ugly thing any person had ever done, or would ever do. He was God in person form, dont you think he had a choice not to go to the cross? He could have zapped the mobs around him all to dust, poof! But He didnt. He went willing, because there was someone he wanted to save, someone was on his mind.<br />
<br />
He was thinking of me sitting around gossiping, stuffing my face with chips and judging my neighbors. He was thinking of my ugliness and my death I was headed to, when they were whipping his back. He let men cut his face and head with thorns. He thought about it when he hung on splintery wood, his whole body weight hanging down from spikes in his wrists, he didn't want me hanging there. Instead of thinking about the birds picking at his flesh he thought about me. He thought about you.<br />
<br />
<div class="heading passage-class-0">
<h3>
Luke 23:34</h3>
</div>
<span class="text Luke-23-34" id="en-NLT-25936"><b>Jesus said, <span class="woj">“Father, forgive them, for they don’t know what they are doing.”</span></b></span><br />
<br />
<span class="text Luke-23-34" id="en-NLT-25936"><span class="woj">He said that while hanging up on the cross, when he should have been unconscious from the pain. He should have been so humiliated and angry that he changed his mind and came up with plan B, the world gets blown up instead. But instead he hung there trying to breath through the blood dripping down his throat. Finally though, his body could take no more and he died. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span class="text Luke-23-34" id="en-NLT-25936"><span class="woj">But the huge kicker to all of that is, He came back! </span></span><br />
<span class="text Luke-23-34" id="en-NLT-25936"><span class="woj">After everything this world had done to Him, he came back! Can you imagine that kind of love?</span></span><br />
<span class="text Luke-23-34" id="en-NLT-25936"><span class="woj">If people talked about, lied about you, mocked you, would you ever come back after you left them?</span></span><br />
<span class="text Luke-23-34" id="en-NLT-25936"><span class="woj">If people beat you up in front of a mob, would you come back to give them hope?</span></span><br />
<span class="text Luke-23-34" id="en-NLT-25936"><span class="woj">What if one of your best friends handed you over to the cops to be put to death? </span></span><br />
<span class="text Luke-23-34" id="en-NLT-25936"><span class="woj">Or some guys stripped you butt naked to keep your clothes, then hung out and played games while you died in front of them? Would you come back with love or a baseball bat?</span></span><br />
<span class="text Luke-23-34" id="en-NLT-25936"><span class="woj">If you had the chance would you want to come back to a place full of those people? I think most people would say screw that, lighting bolts for all zap zap zap! </span></span><span class="text Luke-23-34" id="en-NLT-25936"><span class="woj"> </span></span><br />
<span class="text Luke-23-34" id="en-NLT-25936"><span class="woj"><br /></span></span><br />
<span class="text Luke-23-34" id="en-NLT-25936"><span class="woj">Not what Jesus decided to do, He did all that work so he <i><u>could</u></i> see them again! He couldn't wait to get back! He wanted them to know, whatever the crime, whatever the ugly, He could beat it all. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span class="text Luke-23-34" id="en-NLT-25936"><span class="woj">Trust that He can.</span></span><br />
<span class="text Luke-23-34" id="en-NLT-25936"><span class="woj">Trust that He can for others.</span></span><br />
<span class="text Luke-23-34" id="en-NLT-25936"><span class="woj">It will change everything.</span></span><br />
<span class="text Luke-23-34" id="en-NLT-25936"><span class="woj"> </span></span><br />
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<br />irish bastard/kings daughterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09993900082824322316noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6759939023210425649.post-26647686816324635182012-03-21T15:17:00.001-04:002012-03-26T12:53:53.555-04:00dirty bulletI think perhaps the biggest lesson I learned over the past few years is that everything is a choice.<br />
<br />
Your standing next to your husband. You dont see him, but the enemy, YOUR enemy the devil is there. He is always there, waiting, watching looking for the right moment. He sees it, and shoots. He obliviously wants to kill hubby with the sin of adultery, he <i>is</i> the devil after all. He deserved to be shot, he was awful right? But... now listen to what I'm saying, I have walked this trail and seen the traps, let me warn you. <br />
He shot you both.<br />
He intended to shoot your husband dead on, and is hoping he will die fast due to his sins. But you? He only grazed you trying to get to him right? Your not hurt right?<br />
No he didn't miss. He just wants you to die slower. He doesn't fight fair, those bullets he used are dirty and poisoned. He wants that little wound you have to become infected, beyond the point of help, he wants you to suffer a long and painful death. He has absolutely no mercy for you. He is hoping that by watching you die so slowly, it will eventually kill your kids as well. Maybe it will poison their lives, their future relationships, their children even. Its all just a bonus to him.<br />
<br />
Jeez thanks for that Kings Daughter, could you paint an uglier picture please?<br />
<br />
<b>John 10:10 </b><br />
<b>The thief comes <i>only</i> so that he can steal and kill and destroy</b><br />
<br />
He isn't like the cartoons make him out to be, the devil isn't just running around trying to make mischief. <br />
The<b> </b>bible talks about the church being the bride and Jesus groom. What better way to hurt a groom than torturing his bride?<br />
<br />
Now I understand you had no choice about you or your husband being shot. But you do have choices now. Of course their are the choices about whether to stay or leave. Those aren't the choices I'm talking about, I'm talking about the choice to clean your wound. I figure there are lots of you out there, like me who decided to ignore it. It doesn't hurt that bad. Oh but it will. I ignored my cut for months, and even after I noticed it I decided not to treat it. <br />
<br />
I was NOT going to be the victim. It was NOT going to hurt me. I could be fine without hubby, see? Look at me planning dinner dates with girlfriends, giant parties for the kids, out and about getting mani's and pedi's with the ladies.<br />
Choosing not to hurt at all sounds like the strong thing to do. In reality its the fastest way to become hard. You shut that door on feeling unpleasant emotions, you will also be shutting the door on feeling the really great ones to. This personally was my biggest problem with choices. I had to let God show me how to feel again, it was scary not gonna lie. Taking that lock off my heart was the best thing I could have ever done. Its a freeing feeling knowing I dont have to be fine all the time. <br />
<br />
I hated him. I hated what he did. And I hated the women. Its OK to be mad, its really, really, <i>really</i> OK to be pissed. But please heed my warning, be very careful not to hate. I would scream at my husband and take the lowest digs I could till he cried. Then with venom tell him what a loser he was for crying. Trust me that's a hard one to choose to let go of after you pick it up.<br />
<br />
Its not fair! Its true, it isn't fair, not even a little bit. This might be the toughest one, but choosing to focus on the fairness will eat you up in the end. If you choose on never letting this one go, bitterness will take hold of you. That small graze you got, will become completely infected. The infection acts like a cancer. Its vicious and I have seen it take over lives. Destroying not only the women who chose to hold onto it, but their friendships, family relationships, their childrens attitudes, even their careers. <br />
Think about some of the most unpleasant people you have ever met, I would be willing to bet they let bitterness spread a long time ago. Now they are left permanently infected.<br />
<br />
You dont have to be a victim to feel.<br />
You dont have to hate when you are angry.<br />
You dont have torture yourself with all the ways its unfair.<br />
Its your choice. <br />
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<br />irish bastard/kings daughterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09993900082824322316noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6759939023210425649.post-8297882227084678472012-03-04T17:38:00.002-05:002012-10-03T15:43:24.586-04:00a wretch like me...Amazing grace! (how sweet the sound)<br />
That saved a wretch like me!<br />
I once was lost, but now am found,<br />
Was blind, but now I see.<br />
'Twas grace that taught my heart to fear,<br />
And grace my fears relieved;<br />
How precious did that grace appear<br />
The hour I first believed!<br />
Through many dangers, toils, and snares,<br />
I have already come;<br />
'Tis grace that brought me safe thus far,<br />
And grace will lead me home.<br />
The Lord has promised good to me,<br />
His word my hope secures;<br />
He will my shield and portion be<br />
As long as life endures.<br />
Yes, when this flesh and heart shall fail,<br />
And mortal life shall cease,<br />
I shall possess, within the veil,<br />
A life of joy and peace.<br />
The earth shall soon dissolve like snow,<br />
The sun forbear to shine;<br />
But God, who called me here below,<br />
Will be for ever mine.<br />
Amazing grace! (how sweet the sound)<br />
That saved a wretch like me!<br />
I once was lost, but now am found,<br />
Was blind, but now I see.<br />
<br />
Everyone knows this song right? Or at very least the chorus. Its one of my favorites, but not because it sounds nice. The story behind it is what I love, and I love sharing it over and over with my kids. Why? Its such a vivid example of how God can change anyone in any situation. Have you ever heard it?<br />
<br />
In the 1740's there was a man named John Newton, and he was not what anyone would describe as a good, loving or nice person. To make a very long complicated story short this man was a very cruel slave trader that ran slave ships to and from Africa. "I sinned with a high hand," he wrote, "and I made it my study to tempt and seduce others." In short he loved his job and was good at it, and he loved that others knew it too.<br />
<br />
In 1747 his ship was homeward bound and caught in a terrible storm that the crew was sure would kill them all. He converted during the storm, though he admitted later, "I cannot
consider myself to have been a believer, in the full sense of the word." He wanted God, but only enough to cover his butt. Afterwards<br />
he continued for a few more years in his profession.<br />
<br />
Slowly he started to see things differently. As a slave trader he was trying to "promote the life of God in the soul" to both his crew and his African cargo. Oh I'm real sure his newly captured slaves really wanted to know about his God, yeah right. It took many years but he finally become so completely disgusted with slave trade as a whole, he quit. Now what must that have looked like to everyone in his world? The circles he ran in? Rich, top of his game.... and he quits? He had hit a point where he cared more what God thought over what his peers thought.<br />
<br />
In 1764 he was ordained into ministry and took a parish in Olney in Buckinghamshire.<br />
Its there that he wrote Amazing Grace, as a poem.<br />
Newton had wrote those famous words from personal experience.<br />
<br />
Now why would I love this seeming sad story so much and make it a much talked about lesson in my house? First off you need to know I don't enjoy sad stories much. So what the heck right? This story does have its devastatingly sad parts (read up on this guy and you can hear all the awful twists and turns besides what I told you) but in the end its happy. Beyond happy, since it ends with redemption!<br />
<br />
First off lets look at Mr Newton. He was cocky. But we all in some way aren't we? Prideful of our jobs, or our looks, or even our childrens successes. He was totally happy where he was and what he was doing. Anyone else relate? I can! <br />
<br />
But then this Newton hits a terrible storm, and He cries out to God, "Save me Lord!". Total crisis prayer. I think most of us wait till that point. But part that hits home with me the most was how he later admits to not thinking he was a true believer at that point. I can relate to that too. I had cried out to God a few times before and figured I knew what it meant to follow. Look at Newton, he cried to God in the storm, God answered and saved him. Newton was grateful and talked the talked but yet continued in his slave trading. Did God change him right away? Nope. And thats true with lots of us. Sometimes the best thing is to just let God in. He will change you, but not in our timing. And a lot of time that involves slowing breaking everything your so proud you built up in your life down. Its painful, crazy painful. But how can he build you the way He wants you, until he takes the you, you built away? This is where trust comes in. I know with me, and my hard head the learning curve was steep. There's a famous quote says it perfect. "You may never know that JESUS is all you need, until JESUS is all you have." He wants you that broken, its only in that place do you truly understand how much you need God.<br />
<br />
<b>Luke 5:31</b><br />
<b>Jesus answered them, <span class="woj">“Healthy people don’t need a doctor—sick people do.</span></b><br />
<br />
Newton found that out. God broke him down until he had become completely disgusted with what he had become. But God wasn't going to leave him broken, God loves way too much for that. He built him back up into the man he had designed him to be in the first place. <br />
<br />
One day sooner or later life has a way with bringing a storm. The storm can come from your own actions, it can come from from others actions affecting you, it can come in way sickness or death, but it will come. You can cry out to God and trust he will save you, or you can go down with the ship. <br />
<br />
God saved my husband. God saved me. He can save you too. Call on him where your at. Test that promise He gives out. He promises not to leave us the way He finds us, He <i>promises</i> a future and a hope. And his plans for a future are <i>always</i> way better than anything we could ever dream up. <br />
<br />
<b><span style="color: black;">Jeremiah 29:11 </span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: black;">For
I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for
good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.</span></b><br />
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irish bastard/kings daughterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09993900082824322316noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6759939023210425649.post-71379676365530807822012-02-26T18:28:00.002-05:002012-03-21T15:30:48.513-04:00"Moozam"Its been awhile since I have posted. <br />
<br />
It felt like I hit a stand still months back. Like a person who works out. That last 5-10 pounds that no matter what you do, doesn't go away. Or with me its, the word museum. No matter how slowly I say it, or how many people try to correct me it still comes out sounding like "moozam". Annoying but something you just have to learn to deal with, it will never change. I was like that with the last bit of my pain, just learning to live with it since it wasn't going anywhere. And I was OK with it, since I was used to it, and it didn't seem to be getting worse.<br />
<br />
One evening after dropping my daughter at a sleep over I decided to go on a drive, just me and God, some time to clear my head. In the car with worship on, at night just driving for however long it takes. It works for me, lets me really focus and just pray and listen for His response.<br />
<br />
About an hour in after pouring my heart out and still not knowing what was troubling me I sort of looked around and noticed what road I was one. I was literally around the corner from the last woman my husband cheated on me with. I street I avoid. A street that can still make my mood take a major dive.<br />
I felt like God was leading to drive down it. I didn't fight it, I did as I was told. The song on the radio at the time was Chris Tomlin's "I Will Follow". As I drove down the street the anxiety was leaving, and being replaced with utter calm. By the time I was looking at her house I was driving so slowly I had nearly stopped, I was absentmindedly signing along with the song. I felt so clearly the presence of God at the exact moment I sang the line "Who You love, I'll love". I knew it was my answer. I drove away whole. I had meant what I sang. God heard my prayers and lead me to where I needed to be and showed me what I needed to do. I had forgiven that woman, but I had never loved. And suddenly she wasn't the enemy, she was just a hurt girl trying in all the wrong places to find love. She had hoped with my husband that she had found a friend, a love someone who would be there for her. But sadly just like others before for him and probably after him... she had found a man that would just pursue her to satisfy his desires then toss her aside. She is so broken and is putting up with repeated disrespect, thinking its just something that can,t be changed, something to live with.<br />
<br />
I belted out the rest of that song and continued to drive, wanting to continue my talk with God. I was so grateful for the release of the pressure within my soul, so happy I couldn't keep smiling and crying. The rest of that drive I could see all the possibility's for my life opening up in front of me. I do want to follow Him anywhere, I do want to love who He loves, and I do want to serve who He serves. Just like the song says, "In You there's freedom for my soul".<br />
<br />
That was months ago. And the crazy free feeling I have hasn't lessened. <br />
<br />
<i><b>Romans 8:28</b></i><br />
<i><b>And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them. </b></i><br />
<br />
I have a feeling that maybe DH and I have come full circle (or at least closer to) and its time to start using what has happened to help others. God has promised that He can and will use <i><u>everything</u></i> for good. He doesn't want anyone to settle with what you think can never change, something you think you just have to deal with.<br />
<br />
Oh and by the way.... I just tried it, and I can say it correctly! Museum.<br />
Well that confirms it, anything can change, I have proof.<br />
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<br />irish bastard/kings daughterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09993900082824322316noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6759939023210425649.post-62606540787175460122011-10-13T14:22:00.001-04:002012-03-21T15:30:28.608-04:00unlikely trail guideMy last post was about that awful day when I found out my husband was living a double life. I actually wrote that feeling fine, the dull ache of remembering was there, but the torment stayed in the past. I wanted to write it down, wanted to record the emotions and events even if they were sad. I wrote it for "her". God has laid it on my heart there will be women that need to hear some stuff no matter how rough, and they just might need a travel guide or at very least a rough trail map of sorts.<br />
<br />
So here is this disclaimer, for the few people close to me that follow this site, please do not worry when you read posts about the past. No it does not mean I'm back in a bad place. Yes it will have ugly parts, I will be true to how I was feeling at the time, and you know me I rarely edit and I'm blunt. I feel that it would be a disservice to that woman out there that is going through the hell of adultery that stumbles onto this site if I am not completely honest.<br />
<br />
She should know that her feelings have happened to others, no matter how bad it looks. She should know that the hill of healing is steep, but it IS POSSIBLE. She should know that God is beside her, yes even when she is cussing or throwing stuff in a rage. God is there in the middle of the night when she is so completely aware of the empty space in her bed, where her husband would sleep before she kicked him out. God is there when she cries in the shower so her children won't see. God is there when she is sure she is going crazy from thoughts that wont stop. I know this, since he was there with me. <br />
<br />
I was blessed by another woman a few weeks back. She shared about her struggles in her marriage, although not the same as mine there were enough similarities that let me know she understood. Lemme just tell you, what a relief! Over the course of the past year, not once have I met someone that understood. For the very limited amount of people that even knew, there was sympathy, prayers and advice, all of which was priceless to me, but it didn't fix the isolation I felt. When this woman shared her heart with me, I was able to in turn talk about my marriage. For the first time I heard someone say, "I get it" and I was no longer alone.<br />
<br />
After hearing for a year "You mustn't look at the past, only to the future". I felt like an ass at best, a failure at worse, when I would fail yet again. She helped me realize that no, refusing to look at our first 10 years of marriage was completely unrealistic and probably harmful. God could take away all the pain in a second if he had wanted, but instead he choose in his wisdom not to. For whatever reason in Gods perfect timing he is having me walk this out. And for that matter my husband is as well. Its normal for a year to pass and to just now be starting to feel some of the wounds stronger, or some you didn't notice before. And YES its OK to bring it up to your husband as they come up. Ignoring will just start a whole new set of problems. <br />
<br />
As for that woman that is drowning in the lies she just discovered. She needs to know some things. Yes it will hurt no matter if you stay or leave at this point. Yes it sucks. Yes it feels like nothing will ever be right again. Yes those strong crazy swinging all over the place emotions and thoughts are normal. Yes revenge sounds awesome, no it wont help. Yes God loves you. No he hasn't forgotten you. Yes God will still love you no matter what you decide. And most important, yes He will lead you out of that pit you are in right now. Just take his hand and ask for help. He will do the rest. <br />
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Kings Daughter<br />
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<br />irish bastard/kings daughterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09993900082824322316noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6759939023210425649.post-77925435581335902682011-08-19T08:00:00.013-04:002012-03-21T15:19:19.727-04:00Finding out, first 24 hoursI sat up till close to 1am writing a love letter.<br />
That night my heart was bursting. DH wasn't there to tell in person, so the decision was made to write it down. I wanted to make sure he never felt unappreciated, that his family understood how he worked so hard for us to provide a home, food on the table and the opportunity for me to homeschool the children. He needed to know, I was nothing but proud of how he quit drinking, overcame much and put God at the head of everything he did.<br />
<br />
Finished up my letter and sent it to him in a email, he would be sure to see it in the morning before work. Turned out the light and fell asleep praying and giving thanks for all the wonderful blessing in my life. For the healing of my husband, for providing the father my kids had always needed, thanking God for turning all the hardships around in my life.<br />
<br />
He climbed into bed a little after 5am. I remember thinking, poor thing, to tired to even wash up or brush his teeth. He snuggled close, kissed my forehead and reached for both my hands and held them before drifting off to sleep. Before I could fall back asleep, his phone buzzed. Who would be texting at this hour? After staring at the screen for a sec, he grumbled that it was work again, and was going to ignore it. <br />
For the second time that night I fell asleep thanking God for my marriage, for the man that comes home and holds my hands while falling asleep.<br />
<br />
That's back when he worked at night. Oh how I hated that shift. "Its the military", I've heard him say a thousand times, "You don't pick your hours". His shift started at 2:30pm and some 10-16 hours later he would get home, exhausted and ready to drop. If he got off early, before 3am, he would go night fishing to unwind. I was glad he had a hobby, some time that was all his own. He would sleep until 12 or 1 the next day, wake, eat then head out the door no later than 1:45pm. We didn't see him much. But he never failed to spend what little time he had off on his family. <br />
<br />
Few hours later my alarm goes off, and I set about the business of feeding kids and laundry. I enjoy summer mornings with my kids. Totally relaxing. I seem to remember that morning discussing with my oldest the possibility of hitting the beach for a few hours. Just another perfect day.<br />
<br />
It was still a few hours till DH was due to wake up, when the strangest feeling came over me. I would say I had the <i>urge</i> to check the bank, but that wouldn't be doing the feeling justice. Urge is way too small a word. I fought it for a bit, mainly due to not wanting to feel guilty. Finally when the feeling got so strong it was startling, I went to the computer. Our account showed extra money withdrawn from ATMs that month, clicking through previous months revealed it was a trend of his. I was angry that he was spending like this when we have a budget that's been in trouble lately. <br />
<br />
I question him when he wakes. He says he likes to have cash in his pocket for "whatever", that he shouldn't feel like a kid with an allowance. How could he yell at me for money he hadn't told me he was spending? We hadn't fought like that in a long time, it was upsetting enough for me to take a long walk in the 100 degree weather to cool down. How did asking if we could sit and work the budget together, turn into him screaming that I was treating him like a child? Why was he being so defensive and rude to me? God...what in the world? <br />
<br />
Not till later, after he had left for work did the odd overwhelming feeling come back. This time to check the phone bill. I went once again to my computer. The bill popped up, our phone numbers side by side, with usage underneath each. My stomach flipped a little. Although the billing cycle for the month just began, his data was in the hundreds. I was shaking before I clicked to look. A number I have never seen before scrolled down my screen. Page after page. I was instantly <b><a href="http://irishbastardkingsdaughter.blogspot.com/2010/11/even-if-he-has-to-use-cat-to-show-his_28.html">taken back to last year...</a> </b>"Its just a friend.... What I can't have friends you don't know about?"<br />
<br />
This is about the time that day everything becomes confused for me. Lots of moments stick out, but the order of them is cloudy. The worse part is I can't remember where my children where during all of this. I can tell you they weren't near me. I rack my brain sometimes trying to recall, were they outside playing? At a friends? No that can't be it. Where they upstairs?<br />
Unfortunately things that are<b> </b>etched into my memory~ <br />
~calling the number to see if a woman would answer. When one does, hanging up.<br />
~calling my sister in law, she advised me not to assume anything until I talk to DH. <br />
~calling DH at work, he sounded terrified, and I knew. I hang up.<br />
~another call to SIL, I'm sitting on floor in kitchen, she cant understand me, I'm hysterical. <br />
~at some point I was in the small bathroom in my bedroom. I hit my knees and cry to Jesus "Lord please don't have me walk this path again." I felt no answer, no comfort.<br />
<br />
I grab my bible. In the past when I'm not sure what I need, I play a game with God. I say a prayer close my eyes, open the bible and point. He has been pretty faithful to lead me to what I need at the moment. So considering I had no idea what to do, that was exactly what I did. I opened my eyes to read~ <br />
<br />
<b><i>Psalm 100</i></b><br />
<i>Shout with joy to the L<span style="font-variant: small-caps;">ord</span>, all the earth!<br />
Worship the L<span style="font-variant: small-caps;">ord</span> with gladness.<br />
Come before him, singing with joy.<br />
Acknowledge that the L<span style="font-variant: small-caps;">ord</span> is God!<br />
He made us, and we are his.<br />
We are his people, the sheep of his pasture.<br />
Enter his gates with thanksgiving;<br />
go into his courts with praise.<br />
Give thanks to him and praise his name.<br />
For the L<span style="font-variant: small-caps;">ord</span> is good.<br />
His unfailing love continues forever,<br />
and his faithfulness continues to each generation.</i><br />
<br />
The bible gets thrown hard across the room, "That's what you wanted me to read!? You want me to sing with joy!?". What a joke. <br />
<br />
I cleaned my face, for now I was done crying. But I needed out of the house.<br />
Called up a friend, "Do you and the kiddos want some company?". Few minutes later my kids and I were in the car headed to her place.<br />
<br />
Sat in her kitchen for awhile talking about the new cabinets she was planning on. Just enjoying her, her house, the sound of my kids playing carefree with hers. Finally I brought up the phone number I found. I didn't need to tell her my fears, she didn't make me go into a long drawn out play by play. It was unnecessary, she knew. I showed her the number on my phone. She looked at me "You shouldn't be sitting there wondering." She dialed the number from her phone.<br />
<br />
It was time to learn stuff I never wanted to think possible. I am still beyond thankful that my friend was the buffer between me and the first round of news. I sat and watched my dear friend shake with rage as she found out answers for me, but she kept her voice even. The woman was my husbands girlfriend of two months. She was 19 and she had graduated high school just a few months before. She thought DH was divorced, and had only one child. I don't know if I had any emotion at that point.<br />
<br />
When my friend got off the phone she offered her home to me and the kids. Her husband was deployed, and she said she would love the company. She went inside and got all the the children excited about an extended sleepover. I sat. God?..... You there?.... I felt nothing.<br />
It would be a long time until I prayed again.<br />
<br />
My friend is not a believer, but her heart is beyond huge. While I sat she went about getting things ready. She called a sitter to stay with the older kids, she got her and my toddler ready. Then she came and sat with me outside while we waited the short time till the sitter came. She held my hand and helped me stand when it was time to go. I said some lame happy thing to the older kids on the way out the door about getting stuff for the sleep over. Then we were off to my house.<br />
<br />
While she was driving her phone rang, it was R (<strike>the whore, skank, the other woman the....ugh...</strike> and this is why we are going to call her R.) She wanted to talk with me. I listened to my girlfriend tell R that there was no way she would upset me by having her talk to me. I reached out my hand and nodded, its OK I said.<br />
I was nothing but polite, my "social" kicked in. "Hello R", I asked how she knew him. Apparently that's all that needed to be asked, she is a talker. I spent the whole drive home listening to her brag about my husband.<br />
<br />
They met one night at the beach, while he was fishing. He was so funny, she loved how he made her laugh. He was a good listener. They spent most their time snuggling and talking. Or as she said, getting hot and heavy. Her roommates adored him. He normally brought beer. He would show up at her place nightly around 1am and stay until sometimes 5. In fact he had been at her house last night until early that morning. I wanted to vomit. <br />
Whatever my face looked like was enough for my friend to grab the phone back, say a few sharp things and hang up.<br />
<br />
We get to my house, I tell my friend to give me a minute, I needed to call DH. She takes the toddlers in the front to play. I get inside and lose it, screaming at him on the phone, telling him he doesn't need to worry about having a family anymore. After the call is over, my friend brings the babies in. Maybe when she no longer heard a giant fit coming from inside the house, she figured it was safe to go in.<br />
<br />
She stayed downstairs packing a few things while keeping an eye on the toddlers. I went up stairs to get large suitcases. I start grabbing clothes in my oldest daughters room, when I remembered God for a minute. I wasn't about to pray. But I was smart enough to remember to ask others whose faith wasn't in shatters. I sent a simple text to several women at my church. "Please pray, my husband cheated." Thought that got the point across, back to packing.<br />
<br />
I go downstairs when I hear voices. Seems a neighbor saw us drive in earlier, so she let herself in. I didn't know her well enough to tell her about the end of my world, so instead tell her it isn't a good time. Thinking she would get the hint and leave, I went back upstairs to finish grabbing my things. When I brought the luggage down all ready to leave, that woman was still standing there, with a look that was a weird mix of pity and excitement. I look at my girlfriend, her face says "oh crap, was she not suppose to be told?".<br />
<br />
Well that explains the neighbors look. She is a major gossip, and she just scored the mother load. Back in the car I learn that the busy body waited till I went back upstairs, lied to my friend, telling her I asked her to fill her in, since I was too busy. <br />
People, and how much they can suck, were ceasing to amaze me by the end of that day.<br />
<br />
Throughout all of the packing, dealing with idiot neighbors, driving back to my friends house, trying to settle the kids and get something ready for their dinner, my friends phone continues to buzz. R has decided to send a never ending stream of texts to her. I was so glad that I had thought to block my number that morning when I called and hung up. But unfortunately R still had my friends number. At first my friend would read then delete them, never replying. She told me a lot of them were R insisting that we meet. She said I didn't want to hear the rest of them, and I believed her. But when one made her gasp, "I cant believe the slut had the nerve to send a picture!" I insisted on looking.<br />
<br />
She was pretty, but no more than me, I had expected drop dead gorgeous. My friend was right, seeing her didn't help anything, it just added a new layer to the torture that were my thoughts. Finally my friend had just about enough with this teenage twit blowing up her phone. She informed R that unless she lost her number she would inflict enough harm to get arrested, but not sent away for life. Did she understand? Good. The texting stopped.<br />
<br />
The rest of the night was pretty uneventful from what I recall. After dinner, I tidied toys, the kids took turns getting bathes and showers, while my buddy set up their slumber party with snacks and a movie. I will be forever grateful to her for making that night as comfortable as she could for us. She knew how bad it would be in the coming days, weeks, even months. But right now the kids were unaware that anything but a party was happening. Once they were in their room, she popped a movie in for us, grabbed snacks and we relaxed. We talked about the kids, the movie, and her kitchen cabinets. Because of that, when the movie was over and I went to lay in the twin sized princess bed, I was able to fall asleep. <br />
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<br />irish bastard/kings daughterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09993900082824322316noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6759939023210425649.post-80665644720744369142011-08-16T18:36:00.000-04:002012-03-21T15:29:40.081-04:00ickMan its just one of those days. <br />
<br />
I want to sit and pray, <br />
Father, sit with me. Take this pain Lord, I am tired of this ache, of feeling love and sorrow at the same time. I am tired of the way my stomach does a flip every time I pass certain streets. God what is the time line, when does this end? Sometimes I don't understand why you taught me to cry, if you weren't going to let it end. Please God tell me why you have a heart for me to stay. <br />
<br />
But in the end I will sit and pray,<br />
"Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done." Amen.<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">Luke 22:42</span>irish bastard/kings daughterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09993900082824322316noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6759939023210425649.post-76855033947721657082011-07-31T19:50:00.002-04:002012-03-21T15:28:59.198-04:00small talkYesterday I went on a date with my husband. Three days ago he mentioned that he was taking me out and already had a babysitter lined up, but hadn't decided on what or where we should go yet. That made the next following days fun, we spent most of the time we had to chat, discussing what we should do with our whole evening away from kids. There were lots of ideas ranging from a concert to dinner and a movie. In the end we decided to go fishing. I had mentioned that sounded fun, and he laughed saying it was funny since he was thinking the same thing. I was so looking forward to it.<br />
<br />
About nine or ten years ago he took me fishing for the first time, just the two of us. I think we had two poles, a bag of bait and a lunch box. We had the best afternoon. I think about that day often, it seriously is one of the only safe memories I can go to, and I cherish it. It was before all the addictions had fully took hold of him, before he had any other women. I think about that day on good days and bad days. When I hurt I remember the bible says love is a decision, a choice that must be consciously made, not just a feeling. I look back at that day and remember why I love him.<br />
<br />
Maybe it was wrong hoping that a fishing trip would bring us back to that day. Didn't think how maybe a quiet night together with no distractions or other people was a mistake. It dawned on me that the few times we have been on a date this year, we didn't have to wonder what to talk about, there was so much going on. Like the concert we went to with friends. We are both very social. When we take others out of the equation is there nothing to talk about? We go on many family outings and there is never a lull in the conversation, but when there are no kids to occupy us, do we have nothing to say?<br />
<br />
It was devastating about an hour into the trip when it hit me, maybe we don't have anything to say to each other anymore. It was pretty quiet on the shore. Absolutely breath taking it was so beautiful. Yet after talk about setting up the poles and chairs, then a few observations about the crazy little ghost crabs we saw, it got quiet. And it stayed quiet till after the sun was down. I suspect my husband noticed, that's when he suggested packing up and heading to the ocean front where all the tourists go to walk around.<br />
<br />
When we arrived after the short drive it was so crowed there seemed to be no space in any of the parking lots. So instead of driving forever looking for a spot, he suggested parking at the house of a few of his friends from work. We had parked there a few years ago for a festival, so I already knew it was a party pad, but his two guy friends had been nothing but polite to me.<br />
<br />
DH called them up to ask, and all I could hear from his side of the conversation, told me it wasn't one of his guy friends that had answered the phone. It was one of their girlfriends, that apparently missed hanging out and partying with her good buddy my husband. Super. We get through the crowds and park at the house, and the friend, his girlfriend and her friend meet us at our car. <br />
<br />
After sitting with almost nothing to say to DH for nearly four hours it was almost a joke to watch this short blond I have never seen before, call him by a nickname, run over to hug him and tell him how much they missed hanging out with him. It was surreal watching a part of his life I didn't even know about until recently. Watch how he knew these people and how they knew him. The blond looked me over said I was hot and congratulated DH, then asked why we never came by to drink with them. DH must have sensed how uncomfortable I was, he told them "thanks for the spot, but I'm gonna take my wife to stroll the boardwalk".<br />
<br />
My heart was so heavy. This date night was a million miles from the fishing trip I hold onto in my memories. I'm terrified that we don't know each other at all. If we aren't talking about the kids, or entertaining others, or bickering we are silent. Towards the end of the evening, walking back to the car I told him that it seems we have nothing to say. He said he tried to make small talk, and somehow that made me feel worse. He had noticed and hadn't been able to help it either.<br />
<br />
Its like I have worked and worked this year, I opened my heart for God. I let go of old lies of the enemy. I choose daily to forgive my husband. I love him like crazy. I am working and hoping to have full trust of him again. But.... This new giant fear is there. All this work and we have nothing to say. While I was brushing my teeth this morning as I stared at my refection, I saw the fear in my eyes and the thought made my stomach turn.... he never ran out of things to talk about with all those other women. My God, I thought, he got caught due to the over 400 texts on one phone bill, from one week alone to the last girl. He never ran out of things to talk about with her.<br />
<br />
I pray against this brand new fear. How silly it seems after everything, the one thing I didn't see coming. I pray against it now even as I type. I want more than just to be married forever. I want to be married to my best friend, someone I never get tired of talking with, sharing with and laughing with. If you read this and so feel lead can you please send a prayer up for us as well? It would be greatly appreciated.irish bastard/kings daughterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09993900082824322316noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6759939023210425649.post-7207213873384585532011-07-27T08:51:00.001-04:002012-03-21T15:28:31.298-04:00Tues night problemDH goes to a class for sexual addictions on Tues nights. I have some mixed feelings about it. Its good he goes and has a safe place with other men with the same problem at a church and its bible centered. It bothers me sometimes. I wonder will this always be a problem, will he always need a support group for this? Ten years from now, 20 years from now is he still going to need to meet with people to keep himself faithful? Every Tues the past year slaps me in the face.<br />
<br />
Last night when he got home from group he showed me his 11 month chip. Just like AA you get little plastic chips that show how long you haven't "used". Am I really about to high five him for not sleeping with other women in 11 months, kinda twisted. I kept the thought to myself and asked about the meeting. During the small group, during the discussions he said how he talked about the list I had made of things I needed him to do before he could move back home. He told his group how we talk about things and pray together about them. And... then I got angry.<br />
<br />
The list I made way back in Sept he did indeed follow, but not before putting a fuss up about saying some things were unnecessary. And we don't talk about things the way he made it sound to his large group. The things is we <b>never</b> talk! Some nights roughly once a month I will need to talk to get my feeling out, and he basically says "we have been through all this before, what else is there to say?". Sometimes he says "yes you do need to talk, you should find someone".<br />
<br />
As for praying together, he prays while we are together, but not for anything to do with the healing of this marriage. I still cant pray near him out loud. He has asked me to, and has tried to tell me to (that was laughable, your going to try to make me pray??) That's why I got upset with him, he made it sound like we are right on track and doing everything right. <br />
<br />
Last Sun at church a women stopped me and DH after service and asked us to pray for her together. I knew she wanted us both to pray out loud. The feeling that came to me while holding her shoulder was so intense, I felt for her pain and I heard the words in my heart. Yet when it was time for me to pray I could barely get my words out. It is insanely hard to pray near him. I feel stupid and awkward. He walked away after prayers, I stayed with her and listened for a bit and of course my voice came right back to me.<br />
<br />
That popped in my head when he was telling me how he told his group we pray together. He made it sound as if we hold hands and pray about all the things he isn't willing to even talk to me about. I can't pray out loud with this man, I don't feel safe that way. I feel physically safe... but when it comes to opening my heart to my Father I still cannot with my husband. I hate that! I want a whole marriage and a whole heart.<br />
<br />
I trust my God to on his promise to make all things new, but is this as new as it will get with the intimacy with DH? He will be faithful, and others will admire him for being so godly... but at home he will still expect me to be over all my yesterdays without sharing the pain together?irish bastard/kings daughterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09993900082824322316noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6759939023210425649.post-4090088268976201412011-07-15T21:54:00.004-04:002012-03-21T15:27:34.626-04:00You never let goI'm sitting on the bed the other night watching DH play with his phone. He is funny, likes to mess with the alarm tones almost every night. Says he will sleep through it if it's the same noise too many days in a row. I'm sitting laughing at him and his annoying sound effects, when he proudly announces "Hey babe I changed your ring tone!". "Ok so what you got going now?" He plays it. Its the chorus to David Crowder Bands Never Let Go. "Why that song?" "Because you never let go of me."<br />
<br />
I feel sorta guilty truth be told. After I found out he was cheating, I began the process of letting go right away. After I found out that it was so much worse that just that girl, that it was years and years of a hidden life, I was bent on remembering everything he confessed so I could hate him. I couldn't look at him, I felt sick if he even came near me. I wanted that to last, I wanted him to stay repulsive. Even had a hard time looking at my children, they look so much like him. The last thing in the world I wanted was to hold on to him, any good memory of him, anything at all to do with him. My prayers (when I started to pray again) were more like Lord please I need money to start over with my kids. Definitely not Lord please save this marriage.<br />
I had let him go a hundred different ways. <br />
God never let him go. He helped us both, and was working on stuff I couldn't see.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: medium;">And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. <span style="font-size: small;">(Romans 8:28)</span></span> <br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: medium;">There is surely a future hope for you, and your hope will not be cut off. <span style="font-size: small;">(Proverbs 23:18)</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span></span><br />
If you are in a spot of no hope please remember God loves you. He is working on stuff you cant see right now. <br />
I had let go of all my hope, my Father never did. <br />
And I thank Him for it every day.<br />
<br />
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<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/4TJJCGApBiw?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>irish bastard/kings daughterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09993900082824322316noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6759939023210425649.post-30989017231805929192011-07-11T08:52:00.002-04:002012-03-21T15:27:12.368-04:00Oye! I'm tiredUgh what does it take to get a good nights sleep around here?<br />
I'm tired, and getting used to it. That's probably the worse part. I go to sleep yet wake more tired than when I fell asleep. And sometimes sore like instead of snoozing I was doing jazzersize/kung foo.<br />
<br />
DH has informed me that for the past however many months I sometimes push slap and kick him. Well... what do you say to that? Sorry hun the zombies where chasing me?<br />
Half the time I don't even remember what I was dreaming about. The other half I wish I couldn't remember what I was dreaming about. A lot of the time the ones that wake me up are similar, some woman DH has slept with trying to take my kids. Same play different actors. Less often theres the boogie man type, you know creepy things making you run for your life.<br />
Last night it was wake up almost every hour on the hour for no reason.<br />
<br />
If your thinking I'm being picked on and I should anoint the house, I have. A bunch. It works and for a night or two maybe a week there is smooth sleeping. So whats up? Why do the dreams come back? I dont know, and if your talking to your screen at me right now, um I cant hear you. But please feel free to leave a comment if you have any ideas that may help, or your going through something similar. <br />
<br />
I have noticed a pattern. Past two weeks, crappy sleep, yesterday bad day. I was mad at DH, I was crying and just frustrated with everything, myself included. Then around 3am sitting in my bed it hit me no sleep=bad day. Took me months to figure out what seems obvious now...sleep deprivation= slow thought process. <br />
<br />
So whats a girl to do? I haven't figured that part out yet, but knowing what the problem is has to be half the answer. So I'm on the right track. I will keep doing what I have been doing praying before bed, and first thing when I get up. I will anoint again. And for days like today, when I still get no sleep, I will try to remember extra emotions are just a reaction to being tired, and will pray. Hopefully that helps.<br />
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Ok time to officially start my day!irish bastard/kings daughterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09993900082824322316noreply@blogger.com0