Thursday, December 9, 2010

adultery = train wreck

I'm having an anxious day.  I don't know what the problem is, but all day I have felt off.
I suppose the same thing that causes the really bad days, is the same thing that causes the slightly wrong for no good reason days. Adultery is a train wreck. Having a husband with a sexual addiction.... well that's like a train full of puppies, crashing into a train full of orphans. Yeah its that bad. 
Some days no matter how good everything is rolling, you let stray thoughts invade. Its not even thoughts of the other women. Its the smaller day to day things that have been sneaking up on me.

Do you know any stereotypical gossips? I do, she lives on my street. The day I found out my husband was having an affair, she also found out. Swell. Didn't want her to know, but there it is. I will post about that day and the days that followed, but not today. Don't want that panic attack that has been hovering around my edges all day to turn full blown. Anyhoo... this lovely gossip I have the pleasure of knowing, has been spreading the word on my life to others in passing conversation. People I know and people that I don't. I feel like I no longer have "safe" friends or acquaintances to chat with, to relax with, everyone knows some version of the truth.  Most days I think whatever, I wont let it bother me. But other days, days like today... I want to hide. I want to stay indoors so I don't have to guess at who knows, what they know, what they're thinking, or saying. Why does she stay with him? Once a cheater always a cheater. She is so weak, probably doesn't think she can cut it without a man. No wonder he cheats shes so bitchy/bossy/stuck up/lazy/stupid/ugly/boring. Bet she lets it happen. Thoughts like that can turn me immobile and keep me in sweats all day. Sad part is I will even try to lie to myself. I have a lot around the house to do today, I don't need to go anywhere. The saddest part is when I catch myself in the lie. The result is usually a crazy little self fight in my head.~~ Yeah you might not have some huge errand that should get done, but your son needs to get out, fresh air, the park, maybe a play date? Nah he is totally content watching cartoons. No he isn't, and neither are you. You love to be out and about. Oh shut up, to much to do at home today I'm not going anywhere.

I am sincerely trying to get outta these little funks when they pop up. I pray, I read scripture, I do homework, I have decided to catch up on classic movies I have never seen, classic novels I have never read, new recipes, do my nails, do the girls nails.... seriously its not for lack of trying.  But the funks they come. I wish I knew someone who has been through this, so I could ask for a time line. If I could just know how long till I was going to be better. Sigh, I know the answer, God knows. And He aint telling.

I have noticed that the holidays seem to make the funks sorta cluster. Once October hits its non stop till middle of January. Other than the obvious holidays, there are two of my childrens birthdays, my birthday, and our wedding anniversary. I'm a holiday person at heart. I love to decorate and do a ton of fun activity's leading up to whatever fun day is coming. Normally arts and crafts cover our walls since its a favorite pastime with the kids. But not so much this year. I do try to rally myself, and sometimes there is success. Total hit or miss.

Halloween was iffy. There was one trip to the farm with only the baby, and took pics of costumes with a phone. It was lacking. My daughters birthday was a hit. Big slumber party, house festive, lots of giggles, crafts, games into the late night. I pulled it off, just like old mommy would have done.  Other things have been a total fail, like our tenth wedding anniversary. I had always wanted to renew our vows on our tenth.  When the day did come around though all I wanted was to stay busy so I couldn't dwell on what day it was.  DH ended up working late, my six year old came home from kindergarten with lice. Well got my wish. I was busy. De-licing the kid, and cleaning the house in fear of more freaky little bugs. It was so far from what I always dreamed that day would be like, it was  funny.... in a twisted sorta way. Thanksgiving I woke in total funk mode. Told DH he would be taking the kids on his own to our friends for dinner. I just wasn't up for faking a smile, and I sure as heck didn't want to spend it cooking. But when those plans fell through, I ended up cooking a small Thanksgiving dinner. It was the most awful dinner ever. On any given night we sit around the table laughing and joking, but not that night. It was depressing, almost completely quiet. DH looked like he would break into tears at any minute, the kids were fidgety and excused themselves as soon as they could.  Even now just weeks away from Christmas I feel like I'm failing. I love to involve the kids in all the fun things of getting ready for Christmas. But we haven't made one craft, one ornament , one card.

I see my kids look at me, they ask if we will be having a marshmallow fight. Or maybe play some hide and seek tonight? We haven't had family camp-out in months. They miss the fun, the carefree. I feel like that sparkle that once ran through this house is gone. I look at my childrens faces and wonder if they worry its gone too.

Adultery is such a ugly train wreak. The carnage is huge, and far reaching. It sinks into the smallest cracks of your life.  Every time you think you see where it all hurts, you discover something you missed. It affects every part of your life. Your marriage. Your self-esteem. Your innocence and trust of others. Your children. Your holidays. Your memories, even they are all distorted now.

But it does not effect my God. He does not have anxious days, or off days. Although my flesh is effected in every way, my spirit is not. He has that time line and I will wait on Him. Even when I don't want to.

Psalm 27:13-14

 13 Yet I am confident I will see the Lord’s goodness
      while I am here in the land of the living. 14 Wait patiently for the Lord.
      Be brave and courageous.
      Yes, wait patiently for the Lord.




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