Yesterday was awesome as has been the theme lately. I have had energy, and its been beautiful out. Doing stuff with the children and having fun. I have been feeling a little closer to myself again. The house is tidy most the time (not perfect but I'm OK with that). I have been painting and gardening and even doing random art projects. But the problems come when I stop. When I stop I have time to think. Then I remember its not the same as it was before, I'm not this carefree person anymore, its not smile from dawn to bedtime. There is hurt. I think about how happy I was, and I hurt for her, that happy always carefree woman. She had no idea. No idea. I hurt for those children and how they lost that mom, they had no idea either. My middle child, my six year old child I hurt for the most lately. When ever she laughs good and hard now there are usually tears in her eyes when she is done. Not the good, I laughed so hard I cried tears either. Her eyes look so sad, sometimes she'll burst into a sob. I hurt so deeply for her. I understand so clearly but I have no words for it. I feel the same way.
Its days like this I wish my husband understood.
He has said sorry, but that is not what I'm asking when I try my hardest to tell him my feelings. I try to explain so infrequently because it seems he feels bothered about it. I feel like he is sorry about isolated big incidents, like woman A, woman B, lying about casino, etc. How do I get through to him its not isolated incidents to me? Its all of the last 10 years of marriage all strung together? Its the smaller things that link all those larger things together that hurt the most.
I cant get through to him that it feels like I had to bury my family and start a new one. I cant even bear to look at photos most the time, its like looking at a family that died tragically in a horrible accident. Its hard some days, my bad days to look at him, see the man that killed that family I loved with my whole heart. Its heart wrenching on a good day to go through traditions I started years ago, stuff the kids look forward too like family camp-outs. It can turn a good day into a bad one fast, all the memories it brings up, all of them distorted now.
Lord, my Lord, sit with me on my bad days. Help me to just breath and relax with you. Please help me to release the past pains and not lose the beautiful moments that were there. Please hold my children, don't let this scar them. Please Jesus let my little girl laugh without tears, Lord protect her heart. Thank you for all you have already done in my life and the lives of my family. Thank you for loving us when we are unlovable. Please pour into me your strength and help me to walk in my good and my bad days.