Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Tues night problem

DH goes to a class for sexual addictions on Tues nights. I have some mixed feelings about it. Its good he goes and has a safe place with other men with the same problem at a church and its bible centered. It bothers me sometimes. I wonder will this always be a problem, will he always need a support group for this? Ten years from now, 20 years from now is he still going to need to meet with people to keep himself faithful?  Every Tues the past year slaps me in the face.

Last night when he got home from group he showed me his 11 month chip. Just like AA you get little plastic chips that show how long you haven't "used".  Am I really about to high five him for not sleeping with other women in 11 months, kinda twisted. I kept the thought to myself and asked about the meeting. During the small group, during the discussions he said how he talked about the list I had made of things I needed him to do before he could move back home. He told his group how we talk about things and pray together about them. And... then I got angry.

The list I made way back in Sept he did indeed follow, but not before putting a fuss up about saying some things were unnecessary. And we don't talk about things the way he made it sound to his large group. The things is we never talk! Some nights roughly once a month I will need to talk to get my feeling out, and he basically says "we have been through all this before, what else is there to say?". Sometimes he says "yes you do need to talk, you should find someone".

As for praying together, he prays while we are together, but not for anything to do with the healing of this marriage.  I still cant pray near him out loud. He has asked me to, and has tried to tell me to (that was laughable, your going to try to make me pray??)  That's why I got upset with him, he made it sound like we are right on track and doing everything right.

Last Sun at church a women stopped me and DH after service and asked us to pray for her together. I knew she wanted us both to pray out loud. The feeling that came to me while holding her shoulder was so intense, I felt for her pain and I heard the words in my heart. Yet when it was time for me to pray I could barely get my words out. It is insanely hard to pray near him. I feel stupid and awkward. He walked away after prayers, I stayed with her and listened for a bit and of course my voice came right back to me.

That popped in my head when he was telling me how he told his group we pray together. He made it sound as if we hold hands and pray about all the things he isn't willing to even talk to me about. I can't pray out loud with this man, I don't feel safe that way. I feel physically safe... but when it comes to opening my heart to my Father I still cannot with my husband. I hate that! I want a whole marriage and a whole heart.

I trust my God to on his promise to make all things new, but is this as new as it will get with the intimacy with DH? He will be faithful, and others will admire him for being so godly... but at home he will still expect me to be over all my yesterdays without sharing the pain together?

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