Tuesday, January 18, 2011

the dial is stuck on anger

I was warned by many well meaning friends that I may be experiencing the stages of grief. Please, really me? Don't think so, but thanks for the love and worry even though its misguided. Hmmm looking back I suppose that was some of that denial stage huh?

Should have felt the anger coming. Not that I hadn't had any yet. There had been outbursts, but no giant binge. Mostly just smashed it down silenced it inside of me. Still pretty good at the sugar-coater thing. What can I say habits die hard. I might not be as good at slapping that smile on, but damn if I'm gonna give anyone the satisfaction of knowing I'm drowning.

Christmas came. The morning was beautiful. Kids woke up and got us up, we spent hours downstairs laughing, opening gifts, calling relatives, just enjoying each others company. The kids decided around noon they wanted to watch a Disney parade on TV. Whoops. Watching all the Disney world stuff brought the hurt right to surface. We spent the best few weeks of our whole marriage there this summer. But he had a girlfriend on the side waiting for him to come back from FL. Mommy quietly excuses herself to go sob upstairs, I was so mad. All day. Nice. I still had some wits about me, I whipped out that bible and read and talked and laid it all out for Jesus. He knew. He still knows.

A friend invited me out for New Years. It was for her birthday, just us girls going to the bar for some dancing. I said yes right away. A night out just what I need. I still had been talking and working things out with God. I felt told (yeah I know it sounds odd, just hold on) that I really shouldn't be going. Almost like when your very young, and your mom tells you no when you want to jump off a garage with an umbrella (don't judge me). Sounds like a solid plan to the kid, but parent says no. Convo over. It was just like that. Later after I told my friend I couldn't go I looked over His reasons. There would be alcohol, and I love to drink, even though its been a long time. There would be lots of men. I'm pretty cute and I know how how to get attention when I want it. I would be there without DH, and I could easily be tempted on both the first two reasons. So I agreed with God that He probably had good reasons to say no. Although I did feel like He was being a little over protective. Can't He see I was in a good spot lately, not vindictive at all. But He sees farther out than I do.

New Years eve came, and it was bad. If you read my last two posts you can kinda see how things just went downhill from there.  There were very few times I reached for that bible. I was beyond pissed. I was smothering myself in hate. Hate for DH. Hate for each of the women. Hate for all of his buddies he would sneak and drink with. Hate for myself for being so absolutely stupid and gullible. Hate hate hate. I was breathing it in and with each breath it was getting stronger. It felt good to be angry. Most sin feels good, like a high you want more. I would let nasty little daydreams take me away. I was wishing for who I used to be. That girl wouldn't be a pansy and sit around wanting to learn how to love. She would go out and go to the places she knew those women to be. It would be easy, just like it used to be. I look innocent and have always used that for my advantage, one reason I never got locked up like most of my old friends. I could do something about this hate and anger and not get caught... These black hate flames had me staring at them, and agreeing with them. The more I looked the more Gods word make less sense. The more slamming some girls face into the pavement made all kinds of sense..... wow it still sounds good, so... I need to side track.

Anyhow that's how I started my new year, wishing to be who I used to be. Not a good place. Nightmares almost every night. Of course the enemy was gonna jump all over this situation, and I was making it super easy for him. But I am one of Gods chosen children. He wasn't letting me up without a fight. Little things he was throwing into my path trying to get my attention back. I wasn't going to church but I was still coming across people that lived in Gods love, making me notice how I wasn't. Saw that movie Letters to God, and remembered a few lovely people I have known that lived with death right around the corner with no hate. DH was patient with me, and praying for me (at the time super annoying). My not quite three old singing You Are More by Tenth Avenue North. That's the one that got me. Out of pure frustration with myself and everything around me I told Him, I give up, just consider me just along for the ride, I'm worn out, you decide everything. So I gave up. I was tired of myself you know what I mean?

Funny thing when you tell God take total control, He takes it.
Months ago I had been given a free plane ticket to fly home for a week. One of my old friends is having a surprise party and I was one of her surprises. I have been looking forward to the trip for awhile. All the sudden my free pass home was being messed with a series of events. All the sudden it was IMPOSSIBLE to go. At first I thought it was funny. "guess God said no to my trip", I say to DH one day. But the very next day I am fuming, no matter what I did or tried, it just wasn't happening. Seriously it was a free plane ticket, how can that be messed up?? God? Yeah right. Those were my doubting days. I had more than a few of those. But finally I realize He is the dad I am the kid, and He said no. OK fine I get it, going home right now where all my old friends are, maybe not the best idea. Dang I might just be tempted not to come back. Silly me thought that was the end of it. Thought He would just want to parent some days. I got a reality check real quick.

I got invited to a girls night in last week, with lots of alcohol. I said yes. Daddy took drastic measures and grounded me. I got a stomach bug a few hours before the party. I didn't think it was so funny. I wanted to have a fit and stomp my foot and scream and ask when was I going to be allowed to have any fun? Dad calmly looked at me and said when you hand all the anger over. And since I still feel like stamping my feet and screaming I guess it might be awhile.
This sucks. But I'm just along for the ride.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

dearest DH

Oh no. Do I offend you when I am having a bad day? Oh I am just so sorry that my scrambled egg brains and fucked up thoughts have got you down.
What was that you said to me? To please not sound so vulgar when trying to get my feelings out? When I say out loud some of the things you have done? Oh I'm so sorry your actions and my reactions have you upset.
Let me get out my big fake smile and put it back on, so God forbid you feel bad.
But lets try to remember for future sake that banging random women, may at a later time result in you feeling uncomfortable in a conversation with your wife.
love, me