Wednesday, October 27, 2010

hot mess

Right now I'm a hot mess. I alternate between screaming, crying, denial... but not every minute of the day, only the minutes when I think about everything. And those minutes mostly happen when I am alone. The worse part of this hot mess is the rest of the time, when I have my mask on. Normally people describe me as either always happy or cheerful, I have even been accused of being perky. I'm that person that lets stuff roll off her back. People come to me when they want help finding the silver lining in something. I don't mind, I have always enjoyed my mask. But all the sudden it feels like its suffocating me. I'm not sure how to take off my mask, but I also don't know how to wear it correctly anymore either. It feels like when I'm smiling and getting through my day people are looking at me funny. Hmm is my smile crooked? Did I forget to let the smile reach my eyes? Oops better  fix that... make the eyes crinkle... ah that's better it looks like a real smile.

The only relief is when I pull away from myself and focus clearly on Jesus. That's not always easy. In fact this past week its been a fight. I get a glimpse of Him and try to hold on. Even though I'm using all my strength I still somehow slip away from Him. Its scary.

 I went to a class at church last night for relational brokenness.  Uuugh, part of me wants to stay home and stuff my face with cheettos, and still part of me likes to go. In some ways its nice to go there, where they didn't know me before. They don't expect anything. I can relax none of them have seen the mask.  Part of me dreads going, I dont always know how to act without my mask on. Its an intense class. It makes you look at stuff, and I don't look if it can be avoided. Looking sucks, it hurts. Plus this dang class looks at everything, all the way back. Oh yay fun lets sit in a circle and feel like crap together. Where do I sign up?

We had a speaker. Hearing him speak about laying stuff at the cross was motivating, seeing the spirit work throughout the room also very cool, to say the least. Frustrating that it seemed to move around me and not in me that night. Also frustrating to know that I WANT to lay stuff at the cross, but I cant seem too. I have before so I know its possible. But at the moment it feels like I'm flinging all my issues as hard as I can, but they are super glued to my hands, so nothing happens. So instead I just sit. Hands full of crap and watch other people start to break free. Its annoying. I don't like crap. 

The thing is a year ago I found out my husband had been talking to another woman. He insisted they were friends and nothing more, just someone to vent to. Well I considered it emotional adultery and my heart hurt. There was a ton of pain. I worked and worked for the better half of a year. I figured I wasn't emotionally "there" enough for him. I kicked trying to be super wife self into high gear. I dropped everything off at the cross and I felt awesome. My God pulled me through and I totally forgave my husband.

It was probably the hardest thing I ever did, and now looking back it wasn't much. That was a speed bump to the mountain I was gonna be climbing this year. In truth I don't feel like I'm climbing most days, more like sitting back watching the more experienced hikers. All that work I did, was all for a lie. They didn't just talk, she was more than that. He let me struggle with forgiveness, let me think he was trying, but in the end he was just working on perfecting his lying skills. And  man he got good. What happens when you lay things at the cross, to find out the stuff you put there were all lies or partial truths at best?

While listening to the speaker I felt panic rising up. All I could think about was two months ago, when I found everything out. I felt panic then, intense panic. I had hit my knees, (slammed may be a better description) and prayed and begged with everything I had in me. I prayed that this wasn't really happening, that it was a huge mistake. I begged that I wouldn't have to walk this path again. I begged if it was true, could I please just die right then? Felt like my prayers were bouncing off the ceiling back at me. That was the beginning of a month of utter numbness. I'm not sure if it was God having mercy on me and letting the shock protect me for awhile, or if it was just me in full detached mode, but whatever, I miss the numb. Numb sounds way better than the mess I have become.

Then  Mr. speaker warned if we had wanted to get out of the class, we should have done it at least a few weeks ago. (What? How did this guy know I wanted to book it right out the front door??)  He said we have all started to pull off scabs to wounds, (um ew) and if left the way they are now (apparently gaping and nasty) they would get infected and make everything worse. So it would be best to press through the rest of the classes and get these wounds cleaned up, and healed through God. Or at the very least on the road to healing. I'm not a patient person, staying anywhere for roughly another 5 months doesn't sound appealing to me. But the infection threat got to me, I dont want to know what worse looks like. So crap, I guess I'm sticking it out. 

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