Thursday, May 31, 2012

Awww c-c-crrrrap!

Well. I am totally homesick today. Which frankly for me is weird. Yeah I mean I miss people and I miss places, but almost never to the point where it really bothers me. Today it bothered me. A lot.

We had a retirement to go to this morning. Well crap... were are my slacks? I no longer own even one pair of dress pants? I have a few nice tops, but nothing to go with them. How the heck does that even happen? I mention the predicament to my oldest who is up getting ready for school. She offers her black slacks she wears for chorus. Ah ha! Thanks honey! I dart to her room, happy we are close to the same size. I find the pants. She had hemmed them with duct tape, which I pulled off since I'm still 2 or 3 inches taller than her. The tape left gooey white smears on bottom of the black pants. OK that's a no go. So time to tear up my closet again. Hmmmmm lets see I have cocktail dresses, not appropriate. What else? Jeans, lots of jeans. Yoga pants, sweats, and some Dickes. I tell hubby I cant go, I have nothing to wear.

Soon after the tears start. I suddenly miss my old friends. I miss my tattoo covered, Dickie wearing, hairy, drinking, smoking, skating, blue collar, swearing, always inappropriate friends. I miss fitting in, not having to act a certain way, look a certain way. I miss feeling at ease, totally myself, super loved, knowing they all have my back and I have theirs. I never had to explain myself, we all for the most part come from the same place, seen many of the same things and lived to tell the tale. I got them, and they got me. No matter what they would still be there at the end of the day. 

Not finding something to wear normally does not start the water works. Not owning dress slacks normally wouldn't send me on a homesick binge. I dont know maybe I'm extra hormonal today, maybe PMSing a little early, who the heck knows. All I know is it really hit me today, hard.

Military life has been easy for me when referring to the moving aspect. It wasn't hard for me to leave home. It wasn't hard for me to meet people once we settle in. I make friends, good friends but moves happen. I will miss them and keep in touch with the ones that have turned into family, and carry on make new friends, no big deal. Well.... I used to anyway.

People person me has vanished. I suppose its a trust issue. I think the past is trying to kick my ass. Everything that I have found out in the past couple of years for sure has got to be part of the trust thing. Trust took a big hit when some friends stopped talking to me when I decided to stay with my husband. Gotta tack on things from farther back in my past that I had never dealt with until last year. All added up I feel like a freak show from a bad Jerry Springer re-run.

I feel like I just dont fit anywhere. I have lost the ability to relax, my guard is up even when I wish I could put it down. Put me in a room full of people and most the time I have a strong fight or flight feeling.

 Now we are at our new church and meeting lots of new people. I love the church, and am totally scared of the people. How messed up is that? In the past two years I have developed a stutter when I'm nervous. Isn't that just the best? Just turned 31 and just started stuttering 2 years ago. Every time someone wants to talk to me I mostly shut down.... I dont want to sound like Forest Gump. And the bonus to make my spanking new stutter even better? I'm super fidgety, mostly to keep myself for just getting up and walking away. Yuppers, just freaking fantastic.

This has not always been a problem, I'm a very social person. Being in new situations and around new people is where I thrived. Even now I am OK once I get to know the person, old perky talkative me is usually right there. But its this whole new shut down me that I'm not sure how to move past.

I have made a few good friends here over the years. In the past few months most have moved away. Two more are preparing to move, one at the end of the month, hence the retirement this morning. And the other at the end of this week, that one will be the hardest. I am myself around her. I will miss her tremendously.
Feels like one of the last places I really fit here is leaving.

At small group tonight we talked about prayer for a few minutes. And I was completely honest when I said I talk to God throughout the day. Because for me talking to God is easier than talking to most people. I am so thankful that God is there 24-7, I never have to worry about trust with him, I fit with him just perfect and I dont even stutter.

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

is there a special Benedryl for this?

I found some other blogs, others who are walking where I walk. They are blogs about this same road of relearning everything you ever thought was true about marriage, loving, and living. Sometimes even relearning how to take calm breaths so you dont freak out and hyperventilate.
I have searched in the past, but never really came across anything. I haven't searched in a long time. But I did search tonight. I was hoping to find answers. And halleluiah I found one! Right off the bat even. Its written by a man who survived his wife's affair. God healed their marriage, but even years down the road he struggled. They are happily married now, but he still struggles. And I have my answer, no I'm not a freak. And other than God Himself, only others that have been through infidelity will ever truly understand. I have added a blogroll on this site to link to other blogs, I have added his. /

I searched tonight because lately it seems like the past has been chasing me down. I am in love with my husband, we are getting along great, but yet I struggle. I fight it thinking surely enough time has past where I should be "over it" right?? Then why do I sometimes wake in a sweat, same old nightmares? The ones where some lady I dont know is running off with my husband and taking my kids with her? Things send me back. It happened on Easter and has been off and one since then. Someone had mentioned maybe I was mostly worried what that women from my past had thought of me, but it was more about what I thought of me. I see that woman every other week now and she doesn't bother me in the least, I even stop to chat, I'm starting to enjoy her family. When I saw her the first time it stirred all those old things to the surface, it stirred the old me to the surface. The one I try to forget, the one who didn't like herself much. The problem is I dont want to ever go back to how I used to feel almost all of the time. Nothing but a stupid loser, a failure, an ugly frump, someone my husband had to marry because we had a baby.

Some days it feels like everything has been good for so long, this good stretch must almost be over. That my fairy tale ending will be ripped away from me. Lately its a little more than I can handle. I feel a little nuts that its seemingly popping up out of nowhere. Sunday at church felt suffocating, I totally had the flight or fight feeling the whole time. Then to make matters worse some lady I barely know had to sit right next to me as I'm trying not to break down and all this woman is doing is trying to make small talk. Oh hurray now she is leaning into my face asking if I'm OK. Oh lady please go away, I do not do well with people in my personal space as it is, and right now it feels like your sitting on my freaking lap. Cool service is over, excuse me as I basically jump over your busy-body butt and run out the door. I hate feeling trapped like that. Its been happening at home as well.

I am familiar with this feelings, they all started after D-day. I wonder if these little bouts of flare ups are something that's to be expected for the rest of my life?? I notice sometimes its almost like an allergy. Something triggers it. Now I figure I wont be able to spot all the triggers but maybe I will get to where recognize some so I can avoid them. One I know for sure is the D-day anniversary which is coming up. But the coming up to day I'm starting to think is the worse part. Its the part where I see where I was totally oblivious and see where my kids were totally secure and I see what I didn't see then, I see where my husband was. And who he was with.

Its such a sharp distance from where we are now. Some days its so far removed and I could probably openly talk about it without so much as a twang. Then other days its like it happened last week, I can barely breath.

Friday, May 18, 2012

miracle for all?

I went to a church small group last night. We were discussing miracles when one of the leaders asked the question, who do you think miracles are more for, believers or nonbelievers?
Wow that question got me thinking.

The passage we were looking at last night was  Mark 5:21-43 click here to read passage.

Jesus has been asked to go save a mans little girl. She was dying. So off he goes. But it wasn't just Jesus walking along to go to the girl, it says how large crowds pressed in around him. During all this commotion a woman gets near enough to Jesus to touch his clothes in hopes of being healed. A miracle happens and she is healed instantly. Jesus stops the crowds, and asks who touched him (as if he doesn't already know).

Who was this miracle for?
Was it for his faithful disciples? Was it for the followers in the crowd who believed and wanted to learn more? For the people that just tagged along because they were curious? For the nonbelievers that just happened to be milling around as the Jesus parade went by? Or was it solely for the woman who was healed?

That day I figure the disciples were in a full blown, all business, get it done, type of mode. Jesus was needed somewhere and it was life or death. There are giant crowds literally pressing in around them, which I'm sure made it very difficult to get anywhere, much less anywhere quickly. They were probably totally focused on the task at hand.
Ugh, dont these people see that we are trying to get our Lord safely across town? I wish they would take the hint and get out of our way, we do not have time for this, we have somewhere more important to be! If one more sweaty person asks me a question I might just slap them....
But then Jesus stops and takes precious time to heal and talk with a woman.  In the passage the disciples even question him a bit,   
“Look at this crowd pressing around you. How can you ask, ‘Who touched me?’” 
translation, "Dude why did you stop?!".
Maybe the disciples were the ones who needed to see a miracle. Life will always rush on, there will always be something that feels like it has to get done first, people that feel like they are in your way getting there. Maybe some devoted disciples saw that Jesus thinks its OK to slow down, that he has his own timeline, our schedules dont always line up with His.

I can imagine the people in the crowd that were so excited to be there with Jesus, so excited they might hear him speak, might learn things to go home to share with their families and friends. They were hoping to see a miracle.
Jesus is headed to heal a dying girl! How exciting, we might see some sweet child saved! Lets go this is going to be great! Wait Jesus stopped.... and he is talking to her?
The woman He healed had been bleeding for 12 years. She would have been a complete outcast, no one would have wanted to be around her, and the passage adds the fact that she is broke.
Maybe these excited new believers needed to see the miracle. Jesus will just as soon heal a homeless unwanted misfit, as a rich mans young daughter.  
"Go in peace. Your suffering is over.”

There were the curious who were just there because their friends dragged them there.
Ok so I've heard a lot about this Jesus guy, I guess I will check it out.
What about the nonbelievers who didn't even want to be apart of the crowd that day?
Then BAM a woman is healed! There was no weird magic words, no money being passed around, no giant show. Jesus just saw a suffering woman and completely healed her!
Maybe it was the curious and nonbelievers that were the ones who needed to witness the miracle. There was no slight of hand. He is real. So real that a woman reached out and touched Him and was healed.

Then there of course is the woman herself, the one who was healed.
Can you imagine being the one caused the giant crowd to stop?
Oh no, they will know it was me. Now Jesus is looking for me. I took the healing that was meant for that little girl. He has more important places to be, his healing was wasted on me.... 
Then the frightened woman, trembling at the realization of what had happened to her, came and fell to her knees in front of him and told him what she had done.
 Maybe this woman needed to see the miracle. Not just the physical healing of her body. But the healing of her spirit. She is precious in his sight, he loving calls her is own,  “Daughter, your faith has made you well."

I think perhaps He preformed the miracle for all of them.
Seriously who doesn't need to be touched by God?