Wednesday, October 3, 2012


Just got home from lunch with DH and the youth pastor from our church. We went to lunch so I could explain why I could no longer lead with college girls. I'm suppose to be leading middle schoolers and my co-leaders were 18-20. I quickly learned I just cant do that age group. I'm still jacked up. I can't sit for more than a few minutes with a woman that age because all it does is send me right back to two years ago. The endless prattle of pointless crap that they think is the end of the world doesn't help either. Fucking super. I'm more messed up than I originally gave myself credit for. Lovely.

So sitting there trying to explain to this confused guy why I'm so messed up was about as fun as getting teeth pulled. DH stepped in to finish explaining for me. I'm upset with myself because that made me mad. How he could just sit there and so calmly explain how he butchered, mangled and finally killed the old me. "... then I buried her, her dreams, self respect, security, after I went out for a cheese burger." OK so maybe those weren't his exact words, but they were close enough for me. My favorite sentence from today's chat? "She is starting therapy for it next week so I think that will help." I know those words were not meant to hurt me, I know he loves me dearly. But I heard "She is pretty jacked up, she will be seeing someone for it, that way we can stop having uncomfortable situations like this."
I think I need to give myself permission to be mad or sad or something. I'm not completely sure what it is I'm feeling these days. Whatever it is sucks, I know that much. When I forgave others I forced myself to have no feelings on anything. Well forgiving them releases them. And me.... if I let it. I haven't let it yet. I think there is some work to do. And I'm afraid to go back and do the work that needs to be done. Two years sounds like forever to me, shouldn't I be over this crap by now? Makes me want to scream but it would probably seriously disturb the kids, and the cat.

I only told the youth pastor what he needed to know. Total minimum.  I wish that was all there was to deal with. Ha I just made myself giggle! I cant believe I just used the phrase "all there was" like 10 years of a husband with a hidden life wasn't much. I wonder if that poor guy is second guessing himself on having myself and DH around kids at all.

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

totally get it... wait.. no, nope don't get it

At my old church very few people noticed if we weren't there on a Sunday. Or if I looked upset. I can count on my hand how many people even looked for us or asked when we left for good.  That same small group of people were really the only thing I missed when we did go. Well I do sort of miss blending into the crowd there. People would say hello but never press for more, and I liked that.  Being in a huge unpushy crowd is a lot like being by yourself, just more to look at. Its comfortable, like walking around a large city, lots of people but you can still think.

This new church well... its different. And with me the jury is still out if that's a great thing or a run screaming the other way thing. They notice if one or all of us is missing. They start convos with DH and my kids. With me it would be almost funny if it didnt suck so bad. They try and I shut it down. Its like a reflex I cant even help it. My son busted his face pretty good in his preschool class there last Sunday and today the childrens pastor called to check on him. Pretty normal church people stuff. But then she started chatting like we were old friends and I sat on my end of the phone like a boob.

DH and I are starting to serve in the middle school room and I was so excited about it. I adore kids and really love hanging out and listening to kids my oldest daughters age. Thought it would be a perfect fit for me. I got placed with two very sweet young women to co-lead a group with. One of them reminds me way to much of R. I dont know why. But there it is. 19 years old, sweet but sort of a twit. "Blah blah blah since I'm in college." and "Blah blah blah since I'm in college I know because I'm in college and I know everything about everything ever because I'm so grown and in college blah blah blah this boy giggle and he is so great giggle and blah blah blah." All I hear is R rambling on about DH. 

Sunday morning I let the youth pastor know I rather lead a group with my husband. But no it couldn't be that easy could it? He asks "Sure, but why? Are you OK?"  Errrr yeah? OK no, no I'm not.
So tomorrow we will meet at Chick-fil-a to explain changing groups. And I'm not really sure why. Why do we need to tell him our old stuff? This whole open thing this church is all about is hard. Although I sometimes think I get it I guess I really don't  Nope I don't get it. And I'm nervous. And I'm a mess. I feel awful that I can't work with that girl.

So.... still what the heck should we talk about with the youth pastor tomorrow? Maybe I shouldn't unload anything on him, that might be weird and way too much info for a chicken lunch. Hmmmmmm. Like I said before I really don't know with this church. They say to be open but I guess I'm so bad at that, that I don't know what that is suppose to look like. Who do I be open with? When is the time to share crap like that? And what all do you share once you have decided its time to open your mouth? And why do they want to know, why is that a healing thing? And who is going to stick around after all that uncomfortable crap has been laid out on the table. This is no fun since I don't know any of the answers. Bleh.