just hold his hand

I have heard people say if you follow Jesus you will also share in His sufferings. I could never fully grasp what they were talking about.  I have heard people that were seemingly drowning in grief  , whisper their thanks to Jesus. This also totally baffled me. Why, I would wonder do they sound thankful? Heartbreak is NOT a time to say thank you to anyone, much less God.

These were my thoughts before my world started to unravel around me.

A few short weeks ago I received a phone bill covered in a number I didn't recognize. Ah you might be thinking, the same old same old. Husband cheats, wife believes in God, she forgives. Preach preach preach, blah blah blah. I don't want to preach, I want to punch, and scream, and cry. I'm on a ride I didn't sign up for. I am a christian but I didn't reach for God. He seemed (and still seems at times) too far away. Somewhere up in the clouds, not to be bothered. I numbed out, kept busy, yadda yadda yadda.

So I realized that wasn't working when I started to melt down at unhelpful times (eagle exhibit at zoo) I started looking for help. Luckily God has placed a few mature christian women in my life knowing I was going to need their knowledge now. It started to dawn on me I wasn't totally alone. They kept pointing at Jesus. I soooo didn't want to hear it. Where was He when my husband lied to my kids and I?

Then things got worse again. Hubby decided it was time to confess some more to me. Ugh, really could it get worse? Umm yeah, way worse. Almost 10 years marriage, there were at least eight women he slept with, one who was a  friend, and another who was my very best friend. That did it. I went running to Him. Almost without thinking I ran to Jesus. As I have heard a brilliant lady once say "He has to be real, the bible has to be real, or I have nothing. It was all of my hope". I understood.

He is here sitting holding my hand. He is my best friend. When I forget my big girl manners and my mouth pops off, He is patient. With all my rage and anger, He listens. When I have no words and lots of snot, He understands without me trying to struggle to get my thoughts straight. I have no idea where this roller coaster is headed. I don't know if my husband is at the end of it or not. I don't know if it will get worse. I don't know how long I will be in this awful dark scary place, but I do know I do not travel alone. My best friend holds my hand the whole way. He suffers with me. But he has the flash light and he sees the exit even though I cannot. He will lead the way, and be there when I get out. He is my hope and I thank him for it.