Time to learn to be authentic and transparent.
I really dislike using "christian~ese" words, but it doesn't make the statement any less true.
I am transparent on this blog, but how hard is that really? I write it anonymously, I don't have to sit face to face with anyone to dig deeper.
Wait. If I am deciding to be all truthful, even on this blog I hold back. I have more, but usually I don't even trust talking to myself about it.
I have been feeling convicted about lack of growing in my walk with God.
Well lookie I just cant help but bust out all the church talk this morning. Perhaps I'm over caffeinated.
God has been doing what He loves to do, throwing things in my way to alert me. This time its to start building relationships again. I basically told Him no.
Why? Because I'm a stubborn brat.
Why are you a brat Irish?? I DON'T KNOW! Sheesh.
Really you would think I would have learned my lesson by now. God will continue to remind me, to correct me, to parent me. Its not like He has never ~ broken my foot... twice ~ took away my wheels ~ took away a flight home, BTW I'm still scratching my head over that one. Dad has totally showed me over and over again when He is done counting to 3, He will send me to the time out chair. Jonah eating fish anyone?
I have been evaluating everything lately, myself included. And I have noticed a few things. I have noticed how in the past year my husband as become more and more open. With everyone. He is not ashamed of his faith, where he has been or how God has healed him. I have noticed that the more open he becomes the more I shut down. I don't want to tell the world what we have been through. I don't want to risk people looking me and my family over and deciding they don't like what they see. I don't want to get close enough to care for people, that way it won't matter if, and when they don't care for me. I have noticed that the more I close myself off the more difficult it is to teach my children about God. I am not dense enough not to connect the dots.
DH and I have started training to lead in the middle school groups at church. So we miss a month of sermons when we serve. I listen to the sermons we miss on pod casts. One was about how even after you forgive there can be pain left over. The pastor said "Don't let the pain start to define who you are". Wow that blew my mind. That knocked around in my head for like two weeks. I knew the thought wasn't going away so I should do something about it. I mention it to DH as service was wrapping up a few weeks back.
He was super excited that I was ready for help and literally seconds after telling him he was jogging up the isle and chasing the pastor down. He was so excited he also did all the talking. No not embarrassing at all, nah not even a little. What a butthead. But as it turns out that was the first step to listening to what God has been asking me to do. I ended up making an appointment to talk with one of the pastors. Who recommended talking with a councilor, who I will see later next week. He said "unpacking" everything will help free me up to move on in my faith. I'm nervous to go, but I will go anyway. I know its time to get better. I have talked to DH about it and also my small group leader. I have decided after lots of prayer its time to take a step back from small group. My family will continue to go. I have realized that I was trying to play catch up with my husband. He is in a different place in his walk with God right now, I cant keep running to try to catch up, its wearing me out. Its also depressing when you try to compare your walk of faith with anothers walk. I would never force my kids to play catch up with each other. My seven year old can read but I don't demand she read novels like her 12 year old sister. To do so would make her dislike reading, and cause her to stop wanting to learn at all. And I think that's what God is trying to show me with my husband. He is reading novels, and that's great, and even though I'm still reading Fancy Nancy that's OK too.
Last night I decided I will stop telling God no. I am going to make a concentrated effort to focus on God. I will get myself centered in Him and only Him. I will do the work of building relationships again (even though I really really don't want to). I will because that's what He wants me to do. I will because to find and move forward in my ministry, I have to. I will because I refuse to hold my family back when I can see them starting to fly.
I will embrace the christian~ese and take steps to get all authentic and transparent up in huur. (FYI its funner if you say that in your most gangsta voice.)