Saturday, November 6, 2010

sucky island

I have been told this time in my life my emotions will hit me like waves.
The people warn, since they probably think the waves would be the scarier emotions like anger, fear and panic. There are waves, but they are calm, happy, and relaxed. Unfortunately the beach I'm standing on is all the left over awful feelings. When I'm lucky, I get slapped full on by a huge wave, and get covered up. That's a good day, even a great day. I feel the sand under my feet but its not bothering me, I feel calm. I'm having a nice day with my family, and dare I even say it even with my husband. But like any wave the water comes up and slowly goes back to where it came from. The waves have been lasting a few days at best before they are completely gone. When the wave of happy is gone, I'm stranded sitting on my little island of suck.

So there I was hanging out on my sucky beach last week when it was time to go group. This week it was about confession. I did my homework but really wasn't getting the point. How was confessing to God, Jesus and all the ladies in my class going to help? My plan going in was sorta like OK so I tell them all how I used to be awful. So what I'm gonna find out me being a sinner is the reason all this happened? The past is full of drugs, selling them, doing them, stolen cars, running money, fighting, the works. Then I'll probably hear how trying to fix it on my own, with the good mommy, good wife didn't work. I will learn my cover up didn't work, sin is like a stain that wont go away. So into the class I go, with my mind pretty much set on how its gonna go. And... once again I was mistaken.

I sat in the large group and listened to the speaker talk. By the time it was time to split into small groups I had no idea what I would even talk about. I sat back and listened to the other women talk. I watched them open up and talk about things like guilt that they had, stuff that hurt their hearts. I watched in amazement them be released from the strong hold of their guilt. They all talked about different things, no two had the same problems, but they all hit a spot in me. I could see their real pain see how deep their cuts were. I felt like I had no big heart confessions, so I shouldn't share this week. But just in case I sent up a prayer, I asked if there was anything I needed to say out loud and own. Anything God that you don't want me carrying? Something I don't even notice I have? Nope still notin. So I sat feeling OK with the fact I had nothing to really confess. Sweet I'm off the hook! When the last lady was done talking, the leaders turned to me, and wham! My heart was beating like crazy and I was nervous.(My honest first thought was, what the hell is this??)  I needed to talk, and needed to talk now!

Stuff that never crossed my mind came popping out. I confessed that I had anger towards God. I was mad that He has been slowly taking away all my security. First God sat back and let my brother kill himself. That was my family, where I would run when I was scared. (Whoa where did that come from? wasn't on my mind before) He took my husband away, the center of my world, the kids and I revolved around him. He took my best friend, He let her betray me. She was who I ran to when I needed to unload.  The guilt I felt when confessing was huge. In my head I KNOW God didn't do this to me, but in my heart I held on to it. I know people have free will, people will choose what they want to do.  I wanted someone to be at fault I wanted God to be to blame.  I could see everything I was confessing lined up in front of me. When my dark thoughts were brought into the light, I saw the bigger picture. I saw what God really wanted me to look at, what He really wanted me to confess. I was relying on others for what only God can give. He didn't want me to run to my brother when scared, he wanted me to run to Him. He doesn't want my life to revolve around my husband, and He doesn't want me to teach this to my children. He wants me to revolve around Him, and set an example for my children. And he doesn't want me to only unload to my friend, He wants that job first.

So I confessed.  I was released from the pain of blaming God. It felt great! I have felt lighter ever since. My own little miracle that I didn't know I needed, and that I hadn't understood  I could ask for. I learned, by relying on people before God, I was setting myself up for a big fall. He wants to be the place I stand, He will hold me up and keep me on my feet. My sin was hoping other people would keep me from falling. But how could they? They are in the same position I am, they need somewhere safe to stand. If your not standing on a rock your going to eventually get stuck and then sink in the quicksand.  My brother, my husband and my friend were all sinking. Don't get me wrong, God wants us to be there for each other, and help each other. But how can we help each other stand if we are sideways in the sand ourselves? You need to be able to stand strong, if you want to help pull someone else up.

Psalm 40:1-3 

  I waited patiently for the Lord to help me,
      and he turned to me and heard my cry.
  He lifted me out of the pit of despair,
      out of the mud and the mire.
   He set my feet on solid ground
      and steadied me as I walked along.
  He has given me a new song to sing,
      a hymn of praise to our God.
   Many will see what he has done and be amazed.
      They will put their trust in the Lord.

I get this now! Its my life at the moment. How did I get through life before understanding I needed to have my feet planted?? Oh don't get me wrong I rather not be going through any of this! But now I realize why my waves are not scary. Jesus is in the water, He is the water. I can see Him out there in the ocean on my good days. My goal is to get drenched and swim out to that His rock, and stay there forever. And leave this sucky little island for good.

John 4:14-16

 But those who drink the water I give will never be thirsty again. It becomes a fresh, bubbling spring within them, giving them eternal life.” “Please, sir,” the woman said, “give me this water! Then I’ll never be thirsty again."

John 7:37-38

Jesus stood and shouted to the crowds, “Anyone who is thirsty may come to me!  Anyone who believes in me may come and drink! For the Scriptures declare, ‘Rivers of living water will flow from his heart.’”

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