Monday, April 25, 2011

grace to wait

How long must I wait God??
Thats what goes through my mind daily, sometimes hourly, and probably even while I sleep some nights.

Psalms 13:2
How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and day after day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?

You hear that theme on and off throughout Psalms, and I have to admit hearing other people waiting makes me feel better. Oh I love the parts of scripture that talk about victory, but I love, LOVE the parts that line up with what I'm feeling right now! Its comforting to know throughout time others have felt the same.

But.... having said all that, let me say waiting and wondering sucks. I'm wondering when I will feel whole again. When I will feel pretty again. When I won't be the laughing stalk of the neighborhood anymore.
Tick, tock, tick, tock... seriously does anyone else hear the theme of Jeopardy playing, or is that just me?

My husband and I are doing really good, really. I see God working with him, through him and around him. And I know God has been reshaping me. But it feels like he is over looking some things. I wonder if He does so on purpose? I know adultery is the ONLY thing listed in the bible besides death that lets you out of marriage. Is that because God knows the scar that is left? He says you have an that so you don't walk the rest of your days with this giant painful scar of the soul that can sting like a mother-trucker...

So does that go away?? I have no one to ask, I know no one else that has been through this. I have supportive friends, but their words fail here. They always end up saying the same thing, "I don't know how you do it, I would have left a loooooong time ago".  Well thanks that's not helping.

I had an argument with DH the other night. Normal bickering stuff, nothing life changing. We were in bed and he got up and walked out. My first thought was, he wishes he wasn't here. He wishes for those other women, I'm sure they weren't so pig-headed. Then a few minutes after he went downstairs, I heard an engine then saw some headlights hit my bedroom window. I went to the window expecting (in my heart KNOWING) he was in his truck leaving. It turned out to be a neighbors car, DH was downstairs on the couch.

Wow, way to take it to the bad place so quickly right? That just seems to be how my brain has been rewired. I have no clue if its permanent or not. Trust me my mind didnt work that way before. Always the glass is half full type

Now I feel less. Less in many ways. Less pretty, less young, less entertaining. My health problems have been starting again and I have been purposely not making an appointment. Why? Because it makes me feel gross and old.

One of the hardest things right now is dealing with neighbors. I have a few friends here that make it bearable and I thank God for them. But most of the women on this street talk about me and I'm sure my family as well. I see them look at me, and I can hear them laugh. Their kids that used to play with mine no longer do. I have no idea what their kids have heard, and what they might repeat to mine, so honestly those kids snubbing mine hurts a little less. Just why the need for gossip? I don't do it, think its a waste of time. Most days I ignore it, or talk to God about it while walking past their snickering. But other days its harder, I want to walk over there and knock one of them out. I could mess them all up, old me would have made quick work of it. Its those days I struggle to hold onto Gods promise of making all things new. Its those days that I cry out how long must I wait Lord?

My daily prayer: Lord thank you so much for loving me. Thank you for loving my family so much that we are together and following after you. Thank you for my church and my home. Lord please clear my head and heart. Please help me to feel closer to you while I wait. Please help me to love my neighbors (or at the very least walk with enough grace to not knock their teeth out).

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