Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Stand up

After dropping my oldest at her bus and getting my smaller two some breakfast I thought I would go snuggle next to hubby and get a few more minutes of sleep this morning. Almost as soon as I closed my eyes I was tossed into a dream before I had time to fall asleep, and saw 
what I need to do. 

There was a cemetery full of people I love. People that have died, people from relationships that have died. Old me was there with them all.  They were all sort of lined up. And there I was as I am now, facing them all. I started hugging them one by one telling them goodbye. They were all smiling. Then I walked up to old me. I hung on tight and hugged with everything in me. I was crying pretty hard watching her still smiling walk back with all the others. Then I turned to leave and started walking to the gate. I knew when I leave that cemetery, nobody there was going with me, and I never get to go back. I also knew God was waiting at the gate, and I was terrified since I couldn't see the gate, or God or where we were going. 

I opened my eyes and headed straight for the computer. (Although I did have to stop to blow my nose since it appears I was sniffing while I was asleep.) I had to write it down I didn't want to forget  it, although I'm not sure I could if I wanted to.

It was like it all clicked. I saw it and I got it. 

I understand God let me sit there with the dead for awhile. I needed that first year to say goodbye to so many things and so many people. But when I felt him tell me it was time to collect my things and follow him out, I sat down instead and made myself comfortable. 
I also know that God has helped me release so much. But I have never let him fix whats broken in me. To do so would admit that I have to leave the old me there in the cemetery. 

I have been depressed for at least a year, and have just now been able to admit it. My husband has been worried for at least the past year. Every time he suggests the idea that I might be, or that I might need some sort of help, I shut him down fast. But I see now he was right. I think sitting around with the dead for over a year will do that to anyone. Staying there wont make things go back to how they used to be. Sitting there studying how I used to be wont fix me now. I have to trust God.

I am ready to say my goodbyes. I am ready to follow God wherever He says to go. Its time to stand up and go. 

Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust in the Lord with all your heart;
    do not depend on your own understanding.
Seek his will in all you do,
    and he will show you which path to take.