Sunday, July 31, 2011

small talk

Yesterday I went on a date with my husband. Three days ago he mentioned that he was taking me out and already had a babysitter lined up, but hadn't decided on what or where we should go yet. That made the next following days fun, we spent most of the time we had to chat, discussing what we should do with our whole evening away from kids. There were lots of ideas ranging from a concert to dinner and a movie. In the end we decided to go fishing. I had mentioned that sounded fun, and he laughed saying it was funny since he was thinking the same thing. I was so looking forward to it.

About nine or ten years ago he took me fishing for the first time, just the two of us. I think we had two poles, a bag of bait and a lunch box. We had the best afternoon. I think about that day often, it seriously is one of the only safe memories I can go to, and I cherish it. It was before all the addictions had fully took hold of him, before he had any other women. I think about that day on good days and bad days. When I hurt I remember the bible says love is a decision, a choice that must be consciously made, not just a feeling. I look back at that day and remember why I love him.

Maybe it was wrong hoping that a fishing trip would bring us back to that day. Didn't think how maybe a quiet night together with no distractions or other people was a mistake. It dawned on me that the few times we have been on a date this year, we didn't have to wonder what to talk about, there was so much going on. Like the concert we went to with friends. We are both very social. When we take others out of the equation is there nothing to talk about? We go on many family outings and there is never a lull in the conversation, but when there are no kids to occupy us, do we have nothing to say?

It was devastating about an hour into the trip when it hit me, maybe we don't have anything to say to each other anymore. It was pretty quiet on the shore. Absolutely breath taking it was so beautiful. Yet after talk about setting up the poles and chairs, then a few observations about the crazy little ghost crabs we saw, it got quiet. And it stayed quiet till after the sun was down.  I suspect my husband noticed, that's when he suggested packing up and heading to the ocean front where all the tourists go to walk around.

When we arrived after the short drive it was so crowed there seemed to be no space in any of the parking lots. So instead of driving forever looking for a spot, he suggested parking at the house of a few of his friends from work. We had parked there a few years ago for a festival, so I already knew it was a party pad, but his two guy friends had been nothing but polite to me.

DH called them up to ask, and all I could hear from his side of the conversation, told me it wasn't one of his guy friends that had answered the phone. It was one of their girlfriends, that apparently missed hanging out and partying with her good buddy my husband. Super. We get through the crowds and park at the house, and the friend, his girlfriend and her friend meet us at our car.

After sitting with almost nothing to say to DH for nearly four hours it was almost a joke to watch this short blond I have never seen before, call him by a nickname, run over to hug him and tell him how much they missed hanging out with him. It was surreal watching a part of his life I didn't even know about until recently. Watch how he knew these people and how they knew him. The blond looked me over said I was hot and congratulated DH, then asked why we never came by to drink with them. DH must have sensed how uncomfortable I was, he told them "thanks for the spot, but I'm gonna take my wife to stroll the boardwalk".

My heart was so heavy. This date night was a million miles from the fishing trip I hold onto in my memories. I'm terrified that we don't know each other at all. If we aren't talking about the kids, or entertaining others, or bickering we are silent. Towards the end of the evening, walking back to the car I told him that it seems we have nothing to say. He said he tried to make small talk, and somehow that made me feel worse. He had noticed and hadn't been able to help it either.

Its like I have worked and worked this year, I opened my heart for God. I let go of old lies of the enemy. I choose daily to forgive my husband. I love him like crazy. I am working and hoping to have full trust of him again. But.... This new giant fear is there. All this work and we have nothing to say. While I was brushing my teeth this morning as I stared at my refection, I saw the fear in my eyes and the thought made my stomach turn.... he never ran out of things to talk about with all those other women. My God, I thought, he got caught due to the over 400 texts on one phone bill, from one week alone to the last girl. He never ran out of things to talk about with her.

I pray against this brand new fear. How silly it seems after everything, the one thing I didn't see coming. I pray against it now even as I type. I want more than just to be married forever. I want to be married to my best friend, someone I never get tired of talking with, sharing with and laughing with. If you read this and so feel lead can you please send a prayer up for us as well? It would be greatly appreciated.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Tues night problem

DH goes to a class for sexual addictions on Tues nights. I have some mixed feelings about it. Its good he goes and has a safe place with other men with the same problem at a church and its bible centered. It bothers me sometimes. I wonder will this always be a problem, will he always need a support group for this? Ten years from now, 20 years from now is he still going to need to meet with people to keep himself faithful?  Every Tues the past year slaps me in the face.

Last night when he got home from group he showed me his 11 month chip. Just like AA you get little plastic chips that show how long you haven't "used".  Am I really about to high five him for not sleeping with other women in 11 months, kinda twisted. I kept the thought to myself and asked about the meeting. During the small group, during the discussions he said how he talked about the list I had made of things I needed him to do before he could move back home. He told his group how we talk about things and pray together about them. And... then I got angry.

The list I made way back in Sept he did indeed follow, but not before putting a fuss up about saying some things were unnecessary. And we don't talk about things the way he made it sound to his large group. The things is we never talk! Some nights roughly once a month I will need to talk to get my feeling out, and he basically says "we have been through all this before, what else is there to say?". Sometimes he says "yes you do need to talk, you should find someone".

As for praying together, he prays while we are together, but not for anything to do with the healing of this marriage.  I still cant pray near him out loud. He has asked me to, and has tried to tell me to (that was laughable, your going to try to make me pray??)  That's why I got upset with him, he made it sound like we are right on track and doing everything right.

Last Sun at church a women stopped me and DH after service and asked us to pray for her together. I knew she wanted us both to pray out loud. The feeling that came to me while holding her shoulder was so intense, I felt for her pain and I heard the words in my heart. Yet when it was time for me to pray I could barely get my words out. It is insanely hard to pray near him. I feel stupid and awkward. He walked away after prayers, I stayed with her and listened for a bit and of course my voice came right back to me.

That popped in my head when he was telling me how he told his group we pray together. He made it sound as if we hold hands and pray about all the things he isn't willing to even talk to me about. I can't pray out loud with this man, I don't feel safe that way. I feel physically safe... but when it comes to opening my heart to my Father I still cannot with my husband. I hate that! I want a whole marriage and a whole heart.

I trust my God to on his promise to make all things new, but is this as new as it will get with the intimacy with DH? He will be faithful, and others will admire him for being so godly... but at home he will still expect me to be over all my yesterdays without sharing the pain together?

Friday, July 15, 2011

You never let go

I'm sitting on the bed the other night watching DH play with his phone. He is funny, likes to mess with the alarm tones almost every night. Says he will sleep through it if it's the same noise too many days in a row. I'm sitting laughing at him and his annoying sound effects, when he proudly announces  "Hey babe I changed your ring tone!". "Ok so what you got going now?" He plays it. Its the chorus to David Crowder Bands Never Let Go. "Why that song?" "Because you never let go of me."

I feel sorta guilty truth be told. After I found out he was cheating, I began the process of letting go right away. After I found out that it was so much worse that just that girl, that it was years and years of a hidden life, I was bent on remembering everything he confessed so I could hate him. I couldn't look at him, I felt sick if he even came near me. I wanted that to last, I wanted him to stay repulsive. Even had a hard time looking at my children, they look so much like him. The last thing in the world I wanted was to hold on to him, any good memory of him, anything at all to do with him. My prayers (when I started to pray again) were more like Lord please I need money to start over with my kids. Definitely not Lord please save this marriage.
I had let him go a hundred different ways.
God never let him go. He helped us both, and was working on stuff I couldn't see.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. (Romans 8:28) 

There is surely a future hope for you, and your hope will not be cut off. (Proverbs 23:18)

If you are in a spot of no hope please remember God loves you. He is working on stuff you cant see right now. 
I had let go of all my hope, my Father never did.
And I thank Him for it every day.

Monday, July 11, 2011

Oye! I'm tired

Ugh what does it take to get a good nights sleep around here?
I'm tired, and getting used to it. That's probably the worse part. I go to sleep yet wake more tired than when I fell asleep. And sometimes sore like instead of snoozing I was doing jazzersize/kung foo.

DH has informed me that for the past however many months I sometimes push slap and kick him. Well... what do you say to that? Sorry hun the zombies where chasing me?
Half the time I don't even remember what I was dreaming about. The other half I wish I couldn't remember what I was dreaming about. A lot of the time the ones that wake me up are similar, some woman DH has slept with trying to take my kids. Same play different actors. Less often theres the boogie man type, you know creepy things making you run for your life.
Last night it was wake up almost every hour on the hour for no reason.

If your thinking I'm being picked on and I should anoint the house, I have. A bunch. It works and for a night or two maybe a week there is smooth sleeping. So whats up? Why do the dreams come back? I dont know, and if your talking to your screen at me right now, um I cant hear you. But please feel free to leave a comment if you have any ideas that may help, or your going through something similar.

I have noticed a pattern. Past two weeks, crappy sleep, yesterday bad day. I was mad at DH, I was crying and just frustrated with everything, myself included. Then around 3am sitting in my bed it hit me no sleep=bad day. Took me months to figure out what seems obvious now...sleep deprivation= slow thought process.

So whats a girl to do? I haven't figured that part out yet, but knowing what the problem is has to be half the answer. So I'm on the right track. I will keep doing what I have been doing praying before bed, and first thing when I get up. I will anoint again. And for days like today, when I still get no sleep, I will try to remember extra emotions are just a reaction to being tired, and will pray. Hopefully that helps.

Ok time to officially start my day!