Saturday, September 15, 2012

don't give up

I want to be happy again. 
I want to be the happy-over-every-little-thing person again. Even when DH was still a total drunk mess and we were on welfare with no car, I was happy, like really happy and loved life. I sang songs and danced with my kids everyday. We played. Everyday. I loved being a stay at home mom, the house was always neat, because I enjoyed caring for my family and every chore that went along with it. I loved any reason to make a regular day special. And holidays? They were like the jackpot. Even if something was bad enough to make me cry, it never lasted long, something always cheered me up. That woman is gone and I don't know where she went. 

I haven't been able to shake the thought the past few days that shes never coming back. DH says shes there and I have to have hope. He can see the change and he prays against it. I pray, but secretly I think maybe something inside of me broke and it cant be fixed. 

Philippians 4:6

Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.

This is the verse I have been repeating to myself, it has been stuck in my head ever since I read it the other night. I was talking to God about it this morning after we got home from soccer games. I was telling him how I don't see anything in me changing. Telling Him the holidays are coming and try as I might I just cant make myself care. I cant make myself care about hardly anything lately, and it worries me. Here God take these worries please.
Then my phone buzzes with a text.

Have you heard of that song called don't give up


I will email it to you. Its full of hope

I could use that right now. Thank you, I will listen tonight when I have a chance to get on computer

I'll send it now. I just heard it again.

The email~

I was going through a funk and this song came up at the right moment recently and it really ministered to me., 

It still actually ministers...A lot to overcome ya know, but in the scripture it says "I will never leave you or forsake you" God is in control. 

If you every need to pray let me know, Ive been known to pray and intercede. 

The friend that sent the text and email is my daughters coach. She has no idea about anything going on with me. She really would have no reason to send me something to encourage, no reason to offer to intercede.  

I just listened to this song for the first time tonight. 
Wow God.... 

There is another line to the scripture from earlier, something that I haven't been repeating to myself with the first half. I will be now. 

Philippians 4:6-7

Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. 
Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

Something in me did break.
I cant fix it myself.
I will hand my worries to my Father.
I will thank Him for all He has already done.
One day I will experience Gods peace.
He will guard my heart.
I cant give up.

Thursday, September 13, 2012

I think my "want to" is broke

My house currently has piles.
There is a giant pile upstairs in the hallway in the window nook. There is a small pile in each of my daughters rooms, one in my bedroom closet and one small one started near my sons closet. The piles are from going through everything and getting rid of what we dont need, fit or use anymore.
I also have frames all over the house on the walls. Half full. Don't want to put a picture in if it isn't just the right one. Redid middle child's room yesterday. I redid the downstairs bathroom two days ago. Redid master walk-in-closet last week, (that one I'm pretty proud of, its like a small dressing room.) Redid the living room last month and the classroom as well.

DH teases me all the time and says every 3 months or so I get antsy and have to rearrange the house, and get rid of things. And its totally true. Half of me wants to settle and make this house a home, and the other half of me is constantly trying to downsize so it will be easier to move. Its draining, but I cant help myself.

Ever since DH and I decided we would try to stay in this area and then extend his orders, the antsy in me is in overdrive. We have just started our fourth year here. In Irish Bastard land that might as well be 100 years.  Other than one six year stint when I was a kid I have never stayed in one place more than a year and a half, usually less than that. DH happily talks about buying a house to settle here maybe forever. FOREVER? Like forever and ever?? I get itchy and can almost hear the click of a lock to a cage.

I want to want to settle, but as I have heard Beth Moore say, "I think my want to is broke."  I can see the pros of staying here. My kids have friends here. My daughter goes to a middle school that is so perfect for her, and she loves it there. They are learning so much at church and would be sad to leave it. I don't want them to inherit the drifter gene that I seem to have. This also seems like a nice area to buy a house. The major cons would be all the bad memories and fears of running into people I don't want to see. Like my brother in law who lives maybe 20 mins away.

It seems every time I open my bible, or listen to a sermon, or read a book, or pray, I'm getting the same message over and over again. Stay where you are planted.  Add to that trying to learn to be more open and real the itch to pack is like a physical force.

I have been praying on and off (truthfully halfheartly) to learn to be more open and start those relationships I think God wants me too. Other than getting a little ballsy two weeks ago and sharing this blog with some Christian women I admire I haven't done much. I figure that was an easy way to let some people into my world, but when I signed in and saw hits for the blog were in the hundreds just for those two weeks, I freaked a bit. Mathematically eight people shouldn't make numbers like that, so sharing felt like a ginormous mistake.

And why all the sudden are perfect strangers and people I don't know that well telling me all their personal problems? Even on the first day of our new homeschool co-op I had mothers I just met unloading on me. I didn't mind they seemed nice enough, but other than listening I wasn't sure what to do. I cant fix it, dang I cant even fix me. Can we just talk about the classes for the kids now? Or how about the weather?

Hey God, you and I both know I was raised by a woman who drifted from spot to spot. My whole life she rarely attached herself to anything or anyone. Now she is in her mid 60s and has just now finally started to settle. God I don't want that same disconnected spirit! I don't want to keep the world at arms length. I want my want to fixed please. I promise God to stay where you have put me. I wish I could promise not to pace back and forth while here, but I can't. Please Father take this restlessness in my soul away. Oh and please let me know what the heck to say the next time someone tells me their life story... since you seem to keep sending them my way. Not trying to point the finger, just an observation that's all. I love you, thanks for being the one thing I could never ever walk away from.