Thursday, October 13, 2011

unlikely trail guide

My last post was about that awful day when I found out my husband was living a double life. I actually wrote that feeling fine, the dull ache of remembering was there, but the torment stayed in the past. I wanted to write it down, wanted to record the emotions and events even if they were sad. I wrote it for "her". God has laid it on my heart there will be women that need to hear some stuff no matter how rough, and they just might need a travel guide or at very least a rough trail map of sorts.

So here is this disclaimer, for the few people close to me that follow this site, please do not worry when you  read posts about the past. No it does not mean I'm back in a bad place. Yes it will have ugly parts, I will be true to how I was feeling at the time, and you know me I rarely edit and I'm blunt. I feel that it would be a disservice to that woman out there that is going through the hell of adultery that stumbles onto this site if I am not completely honest.

She should know that her feelings have happened to others, no matter how bad it looks. She should know that the hill of healing is steep, but it IS POSSIBLE. She should know that God is beside her, yes even when she is cussing or throwing stuff in a rage. God is there in the middle of the night when she is so completely aware of the empty space in her bed, where her husband would sleep before she kicked him out. God is there when she cries in the shower so her children won't see. God is there when she is sure she is going crazy from thoughts that wont stop. I know this, since he was there with me.

I was blessed by another woman a few weeks back. She shared about her struggles in her marriage, although not the same as mine there were enough similarities that let me know she understood. Lemme just tell you, what a relief! Over the course of the past year, not once have I met someone that understood. For the very limited amount of people that even knew, there was sympathy, prayers and advice, all of which was priceless to me, but it didn't fix the isolation I felt. When this woman shared her heart with me, I was able to in turn talk about my marriage. For the first time I heard someone say, "I get it" and I was no longer alone.

After hearing for a year "You mustn't look at the past, only to the future". I felt like an ass at best, a failure at worse, when I would fail yet again. She helped me realize that no, refusing to look at our first 10 years of marriage was completely unrealistic and probably harmful. God could take away all the pain in a second if he had wanted, but instead he choose in his wisdom not to. For whatever reason in Gods perfect timing he is having me walk this out. And for that matter my husband is as well. Its normal for a year to pass and to just now be starting to feel some of the wounds stronger, or some you didn't notice before. And YES its OK to bring it up to your husband as they come up. Ignoring will just start a whole new set of problems.

As for that woman that is drowning in the lies she just discovered.  She needs to know some things. Yes it will hurt no matter if you stay or leave at this point.  Yes it sucks. Yes it feels like nothing will ever be right again. Yes those strong crazy swinging all over the place emotions and thoughts are normal. Yes revenge sounds awesome, no it wont help. Yes God loves you. No he hasn't forgotten you. Yes God will still love you no matter what you decide. And most important, yes He will lead you out of that pit you are in right now. Just take his hand and ask for help. He will do the rest.

Kings Daughter

Friday, August 19, 2011

Finding out, first 24 hours

I sat up till close to 1am writing a love letter.
That night my heart was bursting. DH wasn't there to tell in person, so the decision was made to write it down. I wanted to make sure he never felt unappreciated, that his family understood how he worked so hard for us to provide a home, food on the table and the opportunity for me to homeschool the children. He needed to know, I was nothing but proud of how he quit drinking, overcame much and put God at the head of everything he did.

Finished up my letter and sent it to him in a email, he would be sure to see it in the morning before work. Turned out the light and fell asleep praying and giving thanks for all the wonderful blessing in my life. For the healing of my husband, for providing the father my kids had always needed, thanking God for turning all the hardships around in my life.

He climbed into bed a little after 5am. I remember thinking, poor thing, to tired to even wash up or brush his teeth. He snuggled close, kissed my forehead and reached for both my hands and held them before drifting off to sleep. Before I could fall back asleep, his phone buzzed. Who would be texting at this hour? After staring at the screen for a sec, he grumbled that it was work again, and was going to ignore it.
For the second time that night I fell asleep thanking God for my marriage, for the man that comes home and holds my hands while falling asleep.

That's back when he worked at night. Oh how I hated that shift.  "Its the military", I've heard him say a thousand times, "You don't pick your hours".  His shift started at 2:30pm and some 10-16 hours later he would get home, exhausted and ready to drop. If he got off early, before 3am, he would go night fishing to unwind. I was glad he had a hobby, some time that was all his own.  He would sleep until 12 or 1 the next day, wake, eat then head out the door no later than 1:45pm. We didn't see him much. But he never failed to spend what little time he had off on his family.

Few hours later my alarm goes off, and I set about the business of feeding kids and laundry. I enjoy summer mornings with my kids. Totally relaxing. I seem to remember that morning discussing with my oldest the possibility of hitting the beach for a few hours. Just another perfect day.

It was still a few hours till DH was due to wake up, when the strangest feeling came over me. I would say I had the urge to check the bank, but that wouldn't be doing the feeling justice. Urge is way too small a word. I fought it for a bit, mainly due to not wanting to feel guilty. Finally when the feeling got so strong it was startling, I went to the computer. Our account showed extra money withdrawn from ATMs that month, clicking through previous months revealed it was a trend of his. I was angry that he was spending like this when we have a budget that's been in trouble lately. 

I question him when he wakes. He says he likes to have cash in his pocket for "whatever", that he shouldn't feel like a kid with an allowance. How could he yell at me for money he hadn't told me he was spending? We hadn't fought like that in a long time, it was upsetting enough for me to take a long walk in the 100 degree weather to cool down. How did asking if we could sit and work the budget together, turn into him screaming that I was treating him like a child? Why was he being so defensive and rude to me? God...what in the world?

Not till later, after he had left for work did the odd overwhelming feeling come back. This time to check the phone bill. I went once again to my computer. The bill popped up, our phone numbers side by side, with usage underneath each. My stomach flipped a little. Although the billing cycle for the month just began, his data was in the hundreds. I was shaking before I clicked to look. A number I have never seen before scrolled down my screen. Page after page. I was instantly taken back to last year... "Its just a friend.... What I can't have friends you don't know about?"

This is about the time that day everything becomes confused for me. Lots of moments stick out, but the order of them is cloudy. The worse part is I can't remember where my children where during all of this. I can tell you they weren't near me. I rack my brain sometimes trying to recall, were they outside playing? At a friends? No that can't be it. Where they upstairs?
Unfortunately things that are etched into my memory~
~calling the number to see if a woman would answer. When one does, hanging up.
~calling my sister in law, she advised me not to assume anything until I talk to DH.
~calling DH at work, he sounded terrified, and I knew. I hang up.
~another call to SIL, I'm sitting on floor in kitchen, she cant understand me, I'm hysterical.
~at some point I was in the small bathroom in my bedroom. I hit my knees and cry to Jesus  "Lord      please don't have me walk this path again." I felt no answer, no comfort.

I grab my bible. In the past when I'm not sure what I need, I play a game with God. I say a prayer close my eyes, open the bible and point. He has been pretty faithful to lead me to what I need at the moment. So considering I had no idea what to do, that was exactly what I did. I opened my eyes to read~ 

Psalm 100
Shout with joy to the Lord, all the earth!
     Worship the Lord with gladness.
      Come before him, singing with joy.
 Acknowledge that the Lord is God!
      He made us, and we are his.
      We are his people, the sheep of his pasture.
 Enter his gates with thanksgiving;
      go into his courts with praise.
      Give thanks to him and praise his name.
  For the Lord is good.
      His unfailing love continues forever,
      and his faithfulness continues to each generation.

The bible gets thrown hard across the room, "That's what you wanted me to read!? You want me to sing with joy!?".  What a joke.

I cleaned my face, for now I was done crying. But I needed out of the house.
Called up a friend, "Do you and the kiddos want some company?".   Few minutes later my kids and I were in the car headed to her place.

Sat in her kitchen for awhile talking about the new cabinets she was planning on. Just enjoying her, her house, the sound of my kids playing carefree with hers. Finally I brought up the phone number I found. I didn't need to tell her my fears, she didn't make me go into a long drawn out play by play. It was unnecessary, she knew. I showed her the number on my phone. She looked at me "You shouldn't be sitting there wondering." She dialed the number from her phone.

It was time to learn stuff I never wanted to think possible. I am still beyond thankful that my friend was the buffer between me and the first round of news. I sat and watched my dear friend shake with rage as she found out answers for me, but she kept her voice even. The woman was my husbands girlfriend of two months. She was 19 and she had graduated high school just a few months before. She thought DH was divorced, and had only one child. I don't know if I had any emotion at that point.

When my friend got off the phone she offered her home to me and the kids.  Her husband was deployed, and she said she would love the company. She went inside and got all the the children excited about an extended sleepover. I sat. God?..... You there?.... I felt nothing.
It would be a long time until I prayed again.

My friend is not a believer, but her heart is beyond huge. While I sat she went about getting things ready. She called a sitter to stay with the older kids, she got her and my toddler ready. Then she came and sat with me outside while we waited the short time till the sitter came. She held my hand and helped me stand when it was time to go. I said some lame happy thing to the older kids on the way out the door about getting stuff for the sleep over. Then we were off to my house.

While she was driving her phone rang, it was R (the whore, skank, the other woman the....ugh... and this is why we are going to call her R.) She wanted to talk with me. I listened to my girlfriend tell R that there was no way she would upset me by having her talk to me. I reached out my hand and nodded, its OK I said.
I was nothing but polite, my "social" kicked in. "Hello R",  I asked how she knew him. Apparently that's all that needed to be asked, she is a talker.  I spent the whole drive home listening to her brag about my husband.

They met one night at the beach, while he was fishing. He was so funny, she loved how he made her laugh. He was a good listener. They spent most their time snuggling and talking. Or as she said, getting hot and heavy. Her roommates adored him. He normally brought beer. He would show up at her place nightly around 1am and stay until sometimes 5. In fact he had been at her house last night until early that morning. I wanted to vomit. 
Whatever my face looked like was enough for my friend to grab the phone back, say a few sharp things and hang up.

We get to my house, I tell my friend to give me a minute, I needed to call DH. She takes the toddlers in the front to play. I get inside and lose it, screaming at him on the phone, telling him he doesn't need to worry about having a family anymore. After the call is over, my friend brings the babies in. Maybe when she no longer heard a giant fit coming from inside the house, she figured it was safe to go in.

She stayed downstairs packing a few things while keeping an eye on the toddlers. I went up stairs to get large suitcases. I start grabbing clothes in my oldest daughters room, when I remembered God for a minute. I wasn't about to pray. But I was smart enough to remember to ask others whose faith wasn't in shatters. I sent a simple text to several women at my church. "Please pray, my husband cheated." Thought that got the point across, back to packing.

I go downstairs when I hear voices. Seems a neighbor saw us drive in earlier, so she let herself in. I didn't know her well enough to tell her about the end of my world, so instead tell her it isn't a good time. Thinking she would get the hint and leave, I went back upstairs to finish grabbing my things. When I brought the luggage down all ready to leave, that woman was still standing there, with a look that was a weird mix of pity and excitement. I look at my girlfriend, her face says "oh crap, was she not suppose to be told?".

Well that explains the neighbors look. She is a major gossip, and she just scored the mother load. Back in the car I learn that the busy body waited till I went back upstairs, lied to my friend, telling her I asked her to fill her in, since I was too busy.
People, and how much they can suck, were ceasing to amaze me by the end of that day.

Throughout all of the packing, dealing with idiot neighbors, driving back to my friends house, trying to settle the kids and get something ready for their dinner, my friends phone continues to buzz. R has decided to send a never ending stream of texts to her. I was so glad that I had thought to block my number that morning when I called and hung up. But unfortunately R still had my friends number. At first my friend would read then delete them, never replying. She told me a lot of them were R insisting that we meet. She said I didn't want to hear the rest of them, and I believed her. But when one made her gasp, "I cant believe the slut had the nerve to send a picture!"  I insisted on looking.

She was pretty, but no more than me, I had expected drop dead gorgeous. My friend was right, seeing her didn't help anything, it just added a new layer to the torture that were my thoughts. Finally my friend had just about enough with this teenage twit blowing up her phone. She informed R that unless she lost her number she would inflict enough harm to get arrested, but not sent away for life. Did she understand? Good. The texting stopped.

The rest of the night was pretty uneventful from what I recall. After dinner, I tidied toys, the kids took turns getting bathes and showers, while my buddy set up their slumber party with snacks and a movie. I will be forever grateful to her for making that night as comfortable as she could for us. She knew how bad it would be in the coming days, weeks, even months. But right now the kids were unaware that anything but a party was happening. Once they were in their room, she popped a movie in for us, grabbed snacks and we relaxed. We talked about the kids, the movie, and her kitchen cabinets. Because of that, when the movie was over and I went to lay in the twin sized princess bed, I was able to fall asleep.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011


Man its just one of those days.

I want to sit and pray,
Father, sit with me. Take this pain Lord, I am tired of this ache, of feeling love and sorrow at the same time. I am tired of the way my stomach does a flip every time I pass certain streets. God what is the time line, when does this end? Sometimes I don't understand why you taught me to cry, if you weren't going to let it end. Please God tell me why you have a heart for me to stay.

But in the end I will sit and pray,
"Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done."  Amen.
         Luke 22:42

Sunday, July 31, 2011

small talk

Yesterday I went on a date with my husband. Three days ago he mentioned that he was taking me out and already had a babysitter lined up, but hadn't decided on what or where we should go yet. That made the next following days fun, we spent most of the time we had to chat, discussing what we should do with our whole evening away from kids. There were lots of ideas ranging from a concert to dinner and a movie. In the end we decided to go fishing. I had mentioned that sounded fun, and he laughed saying it was funny since he was thinking the same thing. I was so looking forward to it.

About nine or ten years ago he took me fishing for the first time, just the two of us. I think we had two poles, a bag of bait and a lunch box. We had the best afternoon. I think about that day often, it seriously is one of the only safe memories I can go to, and I cherish it. It was before all the addictions had fully took hold of him, before he had any other women. I think about that day on good days and bad days. When I hurt I remember the bible says love is a decision, a choice that must be consciously made, not just a feeling. I look back at that day and remember why I love him.

Maybe it was wrong hoping that a fishing trip would bring us back to that day. Didn't think how maybe a quiet night together with no distractions or other people was a mistake. It dawned on me that the few times we have been on a date this year, we didn't have to wonder what to talk about, there was so much going on. Like the concert we went to with friends. We are both very social. When we take others out of the equation is there nothing to talk about? We go on many family outings and there is never a lull in the conversation, but when there are no kids to occupy us, do we have nothing to say?

It was devastating about an hour into the trip when it hit me, maybe we don't have anything to say to each other anymore. It was pretty quiet on the shore. Absolutely breath taking it was so beautiful. Yet after talk about setting up the poles and chairs, then a few observations about the crazy little ghost crabs we saw, it got quiet. And it stayed quiet till after the sun was down.  I suspect my husband noticed, that's when he suggested packing up and heading to the ocean front where all the tourists go to walk around.

When we arrived after the short drive it was so crowed there seemed to be no space in any of the parking lots. So instead of driving forever looking for a spot, he suggested parking at the house of a few of his friends from work. We had parked there a few years ago for a festival, so I already knew it was a party pad, but his two guy friends had been nothing but polite to me.

DH called them up to ask, and all I could hear from his side of the conversation, told me it wasn't one of his guy friends that had answered the phone. It was one of their girlfriends, that apparently missed hanging out and partying with her good buddy my husband. Super. We get through the crowds and park at the house, and the friend, his girlfriend and her friend meet us at our car.

After sitting with almost nothing to say to DH for nearly four hours it was almost a joke to watch this short blond I have never seen before, call him by a nickname, run over to hug him and tell him how much they missed hanging out with him. It was surreal watching a part of his life I didn't even know about until recently. Watch how he knew these people and how they knew him. The blond looked me over said I was hot and congratulated DH, then asked why we never came by to drink with them. DH must have sensed how uncomfortable I was, he told them "thanks for the spot, but I'm gonna take my wife to stroll the boardwalk".

My heart was so heavy. This date night was a million miles from the fishing trip I hold onto in my memories. I'm terrified that we don't know each other at all. If we aren't talking about the kids, or entertaining others, or bickering we are silent. Towards the end of the evening, walking back to the car I told him that it seems we have nothing to say. He said he tried to make small talk, and somehow that made me feel worse. He had noticed and hadn't been able to help it either.

Its like I have worked and worked this year, I opened my heart for God. I let go of old lies of the enemy. I choose daily to forgive my husband. I love him like crazy. I am working and hoping to have full trust of him again. But.... This new giant fear is there. All this work and we have nothing to say. While I was brushing my teeth this morning as I stared at my refection, I saw the fear in my eyes and the thought made my stomach turn.... he never ran out of things to talk about with all those other women. My God, I thought, he got caught due to the over 400 texts on one phone bill, from one week alone to the last girl. He never ran out of things to talk about with her.

I pray against this brand new fear. How silly it seems after everything, the one thing I didn't see coming. I pray against it now even as I type. I want more than just to be married forever. I want to be married to my best friend, someone I never get tired of talking with, sharing with and laughing with. If you read this and so feel lead can you please send a prayer up for us as well? It would be greatly appreciated.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Tues night problem

DH goes to a class for sexual addictions on Tues nights. I have some mixed feelings about it. Its good he goes and has a safe place with other men with the same problem at a church and its bible centered. It bothers me sometimes. I wonder will this always be a problem, will he always need a support group for this? Ten years from now, 20 years from now is he still going to need to meet with people to keep himself faithful?  Every Tues the past year slaps me in the face.

Last night when he got home from group he showed me his 11 month chip. Just like AA you get little plastic chips that show how long you haven't "used".  Am I really about to high five him for not sleeping with other women in 11 months, kinda twisted. I kept the thought to myself and asked about the meeting. During the small group, during the discussions he said how he talked about the list I had made of things I needed him to do before he could move back home. He told his group how we talk about things and pray together about them. And... then I got angry.

The list I made way back in Sept he did indeed follow, but not before putting a fuss up about saying some things were unnecessary. And we don't talk about things the way he made it sound to his large group. The things is we never talk! Some nights roughly once a month I will need to talk to get my feeling out, and he basically says "we have been through all this before, what else is there to say?". Sometimes he says "yes you do need to talk, you should find someone".

As for praying together, he prays while we are together, but not for anything to do with the healing of this marriage.  I still cant pray near him out loud. He has asked me to, and has tried to tell me to (that was laughable, your going to try to make me pray??)  That's why I got upset with him, he made it sound like we are right on track and doing everything right.

Last Sun at church a women stopped me and DH after service and asked us to pray for her together. I knew she wanted us both to pray out loud. The feeling that came to me while holding her shoulder was so intense, I felt for her pain and I heard the words in my heart. Yet when it was time for me to pray I could barely get my words out. It is insanely hard to pray near him. I feel stupid and awkward. He walked away after prayers, I stayed with her and listened for a bit and of course my voice came right back to me.

That popped in my head when he was telling me how he told his group we pray together. He made it sound as if we hold hands and pray about all the things he isn't willing to even talk to me about. I can't pray out loud with this man, I don't feel safe that way. I feel physically safe... but when it comes to opening my heart to my Father I still cannot with my husband. I hate that! I want a whole marriage and a whole heart.

I trust my God to on his promise to make all things new, but is this as new as it will get with the intimacy with DH? He will be faithful, and others will admire him for being so godly... but at home he will still expect me to be over all my yesterdays without sharing the pain together?

Friday, July 15, 2011

You never let go

I'm sitting on the bed the other night watching DH play with his phone. He is funny, likes to mess with the alarm tones almost every night. Says he will sleep through it if it's the same noise too many days in a row. I'm sitting laughing at him and his annoying sound effects, when he proudly announces  "Hey babe I changed your ring tone!". "Ok so what you got going now?" He plays it. Its the chorus to David Crowder Bands Never Let Go. "Why that song?" "Because you never let go of me."

I feel sorta guilty truth be told. After I found out he was cheating, I began the process of letting go right away. After I found out that it was so much worse that just that girl, that it was years and years of a hidden life, I was bent on remembering everything he confessed so I could hate him. I couldn't look at him, I felt sick if he even came near me. I wanted that to last, I wanted him to stay repulsive. Even had a hard time looking at my children, they look so much like him. The last thing in the world I wanted was to hold on to him, any good memory of him, anything at all to do with him. My prayers (when I started to pray again) were more like Lord please I need money to start over with my kids. Definitely not Lord please save this marriage.
I had let him go a hundred different ways.
God never let him go. He helped us both, and was working on stuff I couldn't see.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. (Romans 8:28) 

There is surely a future hope for you, and your hope will not be cut off. (Proverbs 23:18)

If you are in a spot of no hope please remember God loves you. He is working on stuff you cant see right now. 
I had let go of all my hope, my Father never did.
And I thank Him for it every day.

Monday, July 11, 2011

Oye! I'm tired

Ugh what does it take to get a good nights sleep around here?
I'm tired, and getting used to it. That's probably the worse part. I go to sleep yet wake more tired than when I fell asleep. And sometimes sore like instead of snoozing I was doing jazzersize/kung foo.

DH has informed me that for the past however many months I sometimes push slap and kick him. Well... what do you say to that? Sorry hun the zombies where chasing me?
Half the time I don't even remember what I was dreaming about. The other half I wish I couldn't remember what I was dreaming about. A lot of the time the ones that wake me up are similar, some woman DH has slept with trying to take my kids. Same play different actors. Less often theres the boogie man type, you know creepy things making you run for your life.
Last night it was wake up almost every hour on the hour for no reason.

If your thinking I'm being picked on and I should anoint the house, I have. A bunch. It works and for a night or two maybe a week there is smooth sleeping. So whats up? Why do the dreams come back? I dont know, and if your talking to your screen at me right now, um I cant hear you. But please feel free to leave a comment if you have any ideas that may help, or your going through something similar.

I have noticed a pattern. Past two weeks, crappy sleep, yesterday bad day. I was mad at DH, I was crying and just frustrated with everything, myself included. Then around 3am sitting in my bed it hit me no sleep=bad day. Took me months to figure out what seems obvious now...sleep deprivation= slow thought process.

So whats a girl to do? I haven't figured that part out yet, but knowing what the problem is has to be half the answer. So I'm on the right track. I will keep doing what I have been doing praying before bed, and first thing when I get up. I will anoint again. And for days like today, when I still get no sleep, I will try to remember extra emotions are just a reaction to being tired, and will pray. Hopefully that helps.

Ok time to officially start my day!

Sunday, May 29, 2011

Please Jesus let my little girl laugh without tears

Yesterday was awesome as has been the theme lately. I have had energy, and its been beautiful out. Doing stuff with the children and having fun. I have been feeling a little closer to myself again. The house is tidy most the time (not perfect but I'm OK with that). I have been painting and gardening and even doing random art projects. But the problems come when I stop. When I stop I have time to think. Then I remember its not the same as it was before, I'm not this carefree person anymore, its not smile from dawn to bedtime. There is hurt.  I think about how happy I was, and I hurt for her, that happy always carefree woman. She had no idea. No idea. I hurt for those children and how they lost that mom, they had no idea either. My middle child, my six year old child I hurt for the most lately. When ever she laughs good and hard now there are usually tears in her eyes when she is done. Not the good, I laughed so hard I cried tears either. Her eyes look so sad, sometimes she'll burst into a sob. I hurt so deeply for her. I understand so clearly but I have no words for it. I feel the same way.

Its days like this I wish my husband understood.
He has said sorry, but that is not what I'm asking when I try my hardest to tell him my feelings. I try to explain so infrequently because it seems he feels bothered about it. I feel like he is sorry about isolated big incidents, like woman A, woman B, lying about casino, etc. How do I get through to him its not isolated incidents to me? Its all of the last 10 years of marriage all strung together? Its the smaller things that link all those larger things together that hurt the most.

I cant get through to him that it feels like I had to bury my family and start a new one. I cant even bear to look at photos most the time, its like looking at a family that died tragically in a horrible accident. Its hard some days, my bad days to look at him, see the man that killed that family I loved with my whole heart. Its heart wrenching on a good day to go through traditions I started years ago, stuff the kids look forward too like family camp-outs. It can turn a good day into a bad one fast, all the memories it brings up, all of them distorted now.

Lord, my Lord, sit with me on my bad days. Help me to just breath and relax with you. Please help me to release the past pains and not lose the beautiful moments that were there. Please hold my children, don't let this scar them. Please Jesus let my little girl laugh without tears, Lord protect her heart. Thank you for all you have already done in my life and the lives of my family. Thank you for loving us when we are unlovable. Please pour into me your strength and help me to walk in my good and my bad days.

Monday, April 25, 2011

grace to wait

How long must I wait God??
Thats what goes through my mind daily, sometimes hourly, and probably even while I sleep some nights.

Psalms 13:2
How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and day after day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?

You hear that theme on and off throughout Psalms, and I have to admit hearing other people waiting makes me feel better. Oh I love the parts of scripture that talk about victory, but I love, LOVE the parts that line up with what I'm feeling right now! Its comforting to know throughout time others have felt the same.

But.... having said all that, let me say waiting and wondering sucks. I'm wondering when I will feel whole again. When I will feel pretty again. When I won't be the laughing stalk of the neighborhood anymore.
Tick, tock, tick, tock... seriously does anyone else hear the theme of Jeopardy playing, or is that just me?

My husband and I are doing really good, really. I see God working with him, through him and around him. And I know God has been reshaping me. But it feels like he is over looking some things. I wonder if He does so on purpose? I know adultery is the ONLY thing listed in the bible besides death that lets you out of marriage. Is that because God knows the scar that is left? He says you have an that so you don't walk the rest of your days with this giant painful scar of the soul that can sting like a mother-trucker...

So does that go away?? I have no one to ask, I know no one else that has been through this. I have supportive friends, but their words fail here. They always end up saying the same thing, "I don't know how you do it, I would have left a loooooong time ago".  Well thanks that's not helping.

I had an argument with DH the other night. Normal bickering stuff, nothing life changing. We were in bed and he got up and walked out. My first thought was, he wishes he wasn't here. He wishes for those other women, I'm sure they weren't so pig-headed. Then a few minutes after he went downstairs, I heard an engine then saw some headlights hit my bedroom window. I went to the window expecting (in my heart KNOWING) he was in his truck leaving. It turned out to be a neighbors car, DH was downstairs on the couch.

Wow, way to take it to the bad place so quickly right? That just seems to be how my brain has been rewired. I have no clue if its permanent or not. Trust me my mind didnt work that way before. Always the glass is half full type

Now I feel less. Less in many ways. Less pretty, less young, less entertaining. My health problems have been starting again and I have been purposely not making an appointment. Why? Because it makes me feel gross and old.

One of the hardest things right now is dealing with neighbors. I have a few friends here that make it bearable and I thank God for them. But most of the women on this street talk about me and I'm sure my family as well. I see them look at me, and I can hear them laugh. Their kids that used to play with mine no longer do. I have no idea what their kids have heard, and what they might repeat to mine, so honestly those kids snubbing mine hurts a little less. Just why the need for gossip? I don't do it, think its a waste of time. Most days I ignore it, or talk to God about it while walking past their snickering. But other days its harder, I want to walk over there and knock one of them out. I could mess them all up, old me would have made quick work of it. Its those days I struggle to hold onto Gods promise of making all things new. Its those days that I cry out how long must I wait Lord?

My daily prayer: Lord thank you so much for loving me. Thank you for loving my family so much that we are together and following after you. Thank you for my church and my home. Lord please clear my head and heart. Please help me to feel closer to you while I wait. Please help me to love my neighbors (or at the very least walk with enough grace to not knock their teeth out).

Thursday, February 17, 2011

poking your eye out is the best bet

Went to class a few nights ago. The lesson was on temptation. Maybe your thinking oooh fun stuff when your sitting next to your sex addicted husband. But it wasn't that hard to sit next to him. It was a great lesson, I learned a lot. Everyone gets tempted its part of living in this world, period. The sin isn't in the being tempted part, its if you choose to linger on a thought or toy with an action. That's a grey area for many people. They figure yeah I'm not acting on it, just thinking about it. Let me clear up some grey for those who need it.

                                       Matthew 5:27-30
You know the commandment which says, "Be faithful in marriage." But I tell you that if you look at another woman and want her, you are already unfaithful in your thoughts. If your right eye causes you to sin, poke it out and throw it away. It is better to lose one part of your body, than for your whole body to end up in hell. If your right hand causes you to sin, chop it off and throw it away! It is better to lose one part of your body, than for your whole body to be thrown into hell.

Jesus said if you think about it, its as bad as doing it. He says if your eyes are looking, STOP. Do what you gotta do to get yourself out of that situation, yes, its that important.  Even if you have to jab your finger in your own eye. At least you wont be thinking lustful thoughts anymore, instead you'll be thinking, damn my eye hurts! Or you'll be worried that people saw you cram your finger in your own eye. Either way Jesus would perfer that, to you falling into the steps of sin. Notice he says eye before he mentions hand. It starts in the thoughts, and then leads to actions. After hand it goes quickly to hell.  Good stuff to know, being thrown into hell or poking yourself in the eye.

Of course thats not the only temptation out there, just one of the ones that stuck with me. I figure if DH comes home with an eye patch one day, I will score it as a win. God ~ 1. Temptation ~ 0.

I'm tempted with other things. Like running. I spent a good two days a few weeks back trying to convince DH how awesome it would be to put all our stuff in storage and get an RV. (Still sounds awesome!) He looked at me like I lost a screw. But to me sitting still is a form of torture. Moving is a fix. Even if its moving up the street to live in an RV.
Running can also be in the mind. Disconnecting is something I'm tempted with often. Either by busyness or drinking. Happy to say the temptation of drugs seems to be a thing of the past. Although after D-day the enemy did try to throw that fish hook at me more than once, to see if it still worked. Nope. I'm getting less in me and God is getting more. Sweet, even gaining inches deserves a high five.

I'm also tempted to take others problems and try to carry them as mine. When DH was sick in his alcohol addiction (when I knew about it), I internalized that. What wasn't I doing right? Why isn't he happy? How can I help? How can I fix it? When I discovered DH still was buried in alcoholism and way worse things than I could have dreamed up, I went right to that spot again. What did I do? That's not a healthy spot for anyone. Carrying someones sin is like carrying someones poison, it will eventually get you sick too.  Jesus is the only one built for that job.

Like everyone everywhere ever, I'm tempted everyday, with all kinds of stuff. But we are given a way out. We are PROMISED that there is always a way out of temptation.

                                             1 Corinthians 10-13
The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you can endure.

We are never once promised in the bible that we wont be given more than we can handle. But we will never be given more than God can handle. We are promised that we will never be given a temptation we can't handle. There will always be a way out, even if you need to stand and scream for God to help right then. (By the way screaming and freaking out in the middle of where ever, will work just as good as mangling own eye in public!) The enemy can't make you do anything, all he can do is dangle what he hopes will be appealing, in hopes you will take the bait. So if you ever come across someone saying the "devil made me do it", or other such nonsense you can totally call bull shit baloney. (I struggle with the temptation to curse, I'm working on it, I just smacked my own hand.)

When it was time for bed that night after class, DH and I were chatting about the lesson. I asked if he picked up any good tips, since I know I had. He starts telling me how much he has been tempted this week by other women..... Wow really? I was tempted to punch him right in his nose. You will be proud to know I didnt, I ended the convo by turning over and going to sleep. I didn't do so hot in avoiding temptation with my mouth though, I may have called him a name over my shoulder. 
The next day my heart was tempted to dwell on the why. Why does he look and want? Why does he think I'm boring and ugly? It was a rough day, not gonna lie.

I struggled with the flight or fight response. I wanted to pack everything and go. "Six months and he is already looking" I fussed at God. "Just look at me, not at him" was be my answer. I tried all day. I think the fact that when DH got home all he got was a luke warm reception, and not a boot up the butt is pretty huge. Its the small victory's that I'm choosing to focus on these days.

Irish Bastards Disclaimer::
{But... for the record.... No matter who you are, or what you have done, for goodness sake don't tell your wife you have been tempted by other women all week! Sheesh! We don't all have the amazing ability not to knock you out on the spot. Bring that first to God, then to a trusted christian male friend.}

Thursday, February 10, 2011

the hangover

The class I take on relational problems had a retreat. I was squirmy at the idea of spending 3 days with this class. Three hours a week is rough enough as it is. In the end I'm am so glad I went.

I went with my husband. Let me reword that.... I drove there with my husband. After about 15mins of being there I was barely aware of him. I had another woman from my class as my roommate, and all the other ladies were in rooms on each side of ours. We studied together, we worshiped together, we ate together. Best of all they all understood as good as any other human could. We were in it together, and yet we were all there on our own walks. I did see DH there. It was nice seeing him, but I wasn't worried about him the whole weekend. Which for me is huge. I spent so much time with God, I think it was the first time I could feel and accept His love. It's hard for me to put into words. In the middle of nowhere with God I felt free. I'm not sure I have ever felt that before.

The next day was like a crash. A retreat hangover if you will. I woke up fully overwhelmed with everything around me. I was just so sad. I think I sobbed most the day. And on and off the whole week. I just wanted to go back. (Felt a bit better to find out in class the next week, all the women had a hangover). Its normal for God to let tears start cleaning out hurts, even hurts you thought weren't hurts.

Early this week I thought I would scrapbook.  I sat on the floor and opened the drawer stuffed with hundreds of photos. I ended up sitting there for nearly an hour. Its not like I have never looked through them before, but it was like really seeing them for the first time.

One of the first ones I happened to grab was of my daughters and me. We were at a concert. A friend and I brought six little girls to a Jonas Brothers concert. It wasn't some preplanned event on the calendar, planned it the week of. That was two weeks to the day of finding about the affair. My world had just been rocked. It was all good, I was making sure we had the time of their lives. After it was over, brought them home and the party continued well past 2am. Seriously? Who does that? Shouldn't I have been a puddle somewhere? Shouldn't I have been feeling pain? Sorrow? Anger? Panic? Anything??
Picture says I was having a blast. Its this mask. A happy grinning ear to ear mask. I feel safe when I'm smiling. Wow God, what the heck? Is this what you see? And that was just the first picture...

I grab another. I'm around 15 or 16. Sitting with a group of friends. We all smashed together, arms around each other, somewhere in the city. Smiling of course. That's all the picture tells, unless you know the whole story. Those kids are trashed outta their minds. So many drugs. I probably had a nice wade of cash in my pocket from selling all night. That night one of those friends got arrested. Found another friend with blood on her chin from chewing on her tongue all night, was she one of the kids I sold to? That mask was there, keeping me safe. When your smiling its all just a good time right? It was just a good time.

Another one out of the drawer. I'm with my best friend, around 17. Laughing sitting on the bed. I was living with her at that time. Her apartment had been raided by cops and her mom had been hauled off. I had nowhere to live at the moment, it was a perfect fit. She called me up and I moved in. We each had the others back. Who needs parents? When you laugh you can't feel abandoned.

Another picture. Same best friend. Standing with my husband. Arms around each other, grinning at the camera. I took this one a few years ago. It used to be one of my favorites. My two favorite people. Before I found out they had slept together... my stomach is starting to crawl. That picture gets flung back in the heap.

Another. I'm in the hospital holding my son. He is minutes old. I'm pale. Too skinny. Too sick. Don't remember any photos being taken since I was so out of it. Grinning of course. Sitting there looking at the picture, some sort of sick pride in me says "Look at that! Even half unconscious and still smiling!".  Man I need help. But can't be scared, I was too happy.

Another. There I am with my BIL. He is holding my oldest daughter when she was smaller. Taken maybe year after he had molested me while I was passed out drunk. Just a happy family photo. Luckily you cant feel shame when you have your safety mask on

Another. My cousin and I. Drunk at some party. Happy as ever. Matching smiles. Matching attitudes. Matching masks. God shows me one reason I couldn't go up his casket when it was time to say goodbye, I didn't want to see him without his smile. I wish I had. Maybe I would have seen his real face. God, it was his mask that killed him wasn't it?

Another picture and another and another. Why have I never really seen these before? Why have I never really seen me before?

I'm amazed with my God. I was so surrounded by His love there, I felt safe telling Him things. I had to get away from everything to realize He surrounds me that much no matter where I am. I finally rested in Him. I told him I was scared. I told Him I was done running. I told him I wanted to put this mask away for good. I told Him I was ready to let go, but He needed to show me how. I know this might hurt, and it might not be quick. I told Him I would trust Him. Please take the parts of me that don't reflect you God. I gave my mask to him to keep.

Then I got home to the hangover. I worry that I was rash in telling Him these things. Like when you know you were drunk dialing the night before, what did I say, did I promise stuff?? What will I do without my mask God? Where did you put it? I might have changed my mind. Can I have it back? Just for awhile? I'm scared. I have worn it as far back as I can remember. I don't know who I will be without it.

He hasn't given it back. And truth be told I'm both terrified and excited all at once.  I'm sure I will go hunting for it again, maybe even later today, who knows. Its hard to step out in faith. Its hard to hold someones hand you can't see. But I will. Even if on my bad days its to follow Him around to ask where He put my mask. He won't tell I'm sure, but maybe He will hug me and remind me, I wont need it where I'm headed.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

the dial is stuck on anger

I was warned by many well meaning friends that I may be experiencing the stages of grief. Please, really me? Don't think so, but thanks for the love and worry even though its misguided. Hmmm looking back I suppose that was some of that denial stage huh?

Should have felt the anger coming. Not that I hadn't had any yet. There had been outbursts, but no giant binge. Mostly just smashed it down silenced it inside of me. Still pretty good at the sugar-coater thing. What can I say habits die hard. I might not be as good at slapping that smile on, but damn if I'm gonna give anyone the satisfaction of knowing I'm drowning.

Christmas came. The morning was beautiful. Kids woke up and got us up, we spent hours downstairs laughing, opening gifts, calling relatives, just enjoying each others company. The kids decided around noon they wanted to watch a Disney parade on TV. Whoops. Watching all the Disney world stuff brought the hurt right to surface. We spent the best few weeks of our whole marriage there this summer. But he had a girlfriend on the side waiting for him to come back from FL. Mommy quietly excuses herself to go sob upstairs, I was so mad. All day. Nice. I still had some wits about me, I whipped out that bible and read and talked and laid it all out for Jesus. He knew. He still knows.

A friend invited me out for New Years. It was for her birthday, just us girls going to the bar for some dancing. I said yes right away. A night out just what I need. I still had been talking and working things out with God. I felt told (yeah I know it sounds odd, just hold on) that I really shouldn't be going. Almost like when your very young, and your mom tells you no when you want to jump off a garage with an umbrella (don't judge me). Sounds like a solid plan to the kid, but parent says no. Convo over. It was just like that. Later after I told my friend I couldn't go I looked over His reasons. There would be alcohol, and I love to drink, even though its been a long time. There would be lots of men. I'm pretty cute and I know how how to get attention when I want it. I would be there without DH, and I could easily be tempted on both the first two reasons. So I agreed with God that He probably had good reasons to say no. Although I did feel like He was being a little over protective. Can't He see I was in a good spot lately, not vindictive at all. But He sees farther out than I do.

New Years eve came, and it was bad. If you read my last two posts you can kinda see how things just went downhill from there.  There were very few times I reached for that bible. I was beyond pissed. I was smothering myself in hate. Hate for DH. Hate for each of the women. Hate for all of his buddies he would sneak and drink with. Hate for myself for being so absolutely stupid and gullible. Hate hate hate. I was breathing it in and with each breath it was getting stronger. It felt good to be angry. Most sin feels good, like a high you want more. I would let nasty little daydreams take me away. I was wishing for who I used to be. That girl wouldn't be a pansy and sit around wanting to learn how to love. She would go out and go to the places she knew those women to be. It would be easy, just like it used to be. I look innocent and have always used that for my advantage, one reason I never got locked up like most of my old friends. I could do something about this hate and anger and not get caught... These black hate flames had me staring at them, and agreeing with them. The more I looked the more Gods word make less sense. The more slamming some girls face into the pavement made all kinds of sense..... wow it still sounds good, so... I need to side track.

Anyhow that's how I started my new year, wishing to be who I used to be. Not a good place. Nightmares almost every night. Of course the enemy was gonna jump all over this situation, and I was making it super easy for him. But I am one of Gods chosen children. He wasn't letting me up without a fight. Little things he was throwing into my path trying to get my attention back. I wasn't going to church but I was still coming across people that lived in Gods love, making me notice how I wasn't. Saw that movie Letters to God, and remembered a few lovely people I have known that lived with death right around the corner with no hate. DH was patient with me, and praying for me (at the time super annoying). My not quite three old singing You Are More by Tenth Avenue North. That's the one that got me. Out of pure frustration with myself and everything around me I told Him, I give up, just consider me just along for the ride, I'm worn out, you decide everything. So I gave up. I was tired of myself you know what I mean?

Funny thing when you tell God take total control, He takes it.
Months ago I had been given a free plane ticket to fly home for a week. One of my old friends is having a surprise party and I was one of her surprises. I have been looking forward to the trip for awhile. All the sudden my free pass home was being messed with a series of events. All the sudden it was IMPOSSIBLE to go. At first I thought it was funny. "guess God said no to my trip", I say to DH one day. But the very next day I am fuming, no matter what I did or tried, it just wasn't happening. Seriously it was a free plane ticket, how can that be messed up?? God? Yeah right. Those were my doubting days. I had more than a few of those. But finally I realize He is the dad I am the kid, and He said no. OK fine I get it, going home right now where all my old friends are, maybe not the best idea. Dang I might just be tempted not to come back. Silly me thought that was the end of it. Thought He would just want to parent some days. I got a reality check real quick.

I got invited to a girls night in last week, with lots of alcohol. I said yes. Daddy took drastic measures and grounded me. I got a stomach bug a few hours before the party. I didn't think it was so funny. I wanted to have a fit and stomp my foot and scream and ask when was I going to be allowed to have any fun? Dad calmly looked at me and said when you hand all the anger over. And since I still feel like stamping my feet and screaming I guess it might be awhile.
This sucks. But I'm just along for the ride.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

dearest DH

Oh no. Do I offend you when I am having a bad day? Oh I am just so sorry that my scrambled egg brains and fucked up thoughts have got you down.
What was that you said to me? To please not sound so vulgar when trying to get my feelings out? When I say out loud some of the things you have done? Oh I'm so sorry your actions and my reactions have you upset.
Let me get out my big fake smile and put it back on, so God forbid you feel bad.
But lets try to remember for future sake that banging random women, may at a later time result in you feeling uncomfortable in a conversation with your wife.
love, me