Thursday, October 13, 2011

unlikely trail guide

My last post was about that awful day when I found out my husband was living a double life. I actually wrote that feeling fine, the dull ache of remembering was there, but the torment stayed in the past. I wanted to write it down, wanted to record the emotions and events even if they were sad. I wrote it for "her". God has laid it on my heart there will be women that need to hear some stuff no matter how rough, and they just might need a travel guide or at very least a rough trail map of sorts.

So here is this disclaimer, for the few people close to me that follow this site, please do not worry when you  read posts about the past. No it does not mean I'm back in a bad place. Yes it will have ugly parts, I will be true to how I was feeling at the time, and you know me I rarely edit and I'm blunt. I feel that it would be a disservice to that woman out there that is going through the hell of adultery that stumbles onto this site if I am not completely honest.

She should know that her feelings have happened to others, no matter how bad it looks. She should know that the hill of healing is steep, but it IS POSSIBLE. She should know that God is beside her, yes even when she is cussing or throwing stuff in a rage. God is there in the middle of the night when she is so completely aware of the empty space in her bed, where her husband would sleep before she kicked him out. God is there when she cries in the shower so her children won't see. God is there when she is sure she is going crazy from thoughts that wont stop. I know this, since he was there with me.

I was blessed by another woman a few weeks back. She shared about her struggles in her marriage, although not the same as mine there were enough similarities that let me know she understood. Lemme just tell you, what a relief! Over the course of the past year, not once have I met someone that understood. For the very limited amount of people that even knew, there was sympathy, prayers and advice, all of which was priceless to me, but it didn't fix the isolation I felt. When this woman shared her heart with me, I was able to in turn talk about my marriage. For the first time I heard someone say, "I get it" and I was no longer alone.

After hearing for a year "You mustn't look at the past, only to the future". I felt like an ass at best, a failure at worse, when I would fail yet again. She helped me realize that no, refusing to look at our first 10 years of marriage was completely unrealistic and probably harmful. God could take away all the pain in a second if he had wanted, but instead he choose in his wisdom not to. For whatever reason in Gods perfect timing he is having me walk this out. And for that matter my husband is as well. Its normal for a year to pass and to just now be starting to feel some of the wounds stronger, or some you didn't notice before. And YES its OK to bring it up to your husband as they come up. Ignoring will just start a whole new set of problems.

As for that woman that is drowning in the lies she just discovered.  She needs to know some things. Yes it will hurt no matter if you stay or leave at this point.  Yes it sucks. Yes it feels like nothing will ever be right again. Yes those strong crazy swinging all over the place emotions and thoughts are normal. Yes revenge sounds awesome, no it wont help. Yes God loves you. No he hasn't forgotten you. Yes God will still love you no matter what you decide. And most important, yes He will lead you out of that pit you are in right now. Just take his hand and ask for help. He will do the rest.

Kings Daughter

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