Sunday, July 31, 2011

small talk

Yesterday I went on a date with my husband. Three days ago he mentioned that he was taking me out and already had a babysitter lined up, but hadn't decided on what or where we should go yet. That made the next following days fun, we spent most of the time we had to chat, discussing what we should do with our whole evening away from kids. There were lots of ideas ranging from a concert to dinner and a movie. In the end we decided to go fishing. I had mentioned that sounded fun, and he laughed saying it was funny since he was thinking the same thing. I was so looking forward to it.

About nine or ten years ago he took me fishing for the first time, just the two of us. I think we had two poles, a bag of bait and a lunch box. We had the best afternoon. I think about that day often, it seriously is one of the only safe memories I can go to, and I cherish it. It was before all the addictions had fully took hold of him, before he had any other women. I think about that day on good days and bad days. When I hurt I remember the bible says love is a decision, a choice that must be consciously made, not just a feeling. I look back at that day and remember why I love him.

Maybe it was wrong hoping that a fishing trip would bring us back to that day. Didn't think how maybe a quiet night together with no distractions or other people was a mistake. It dawned on me that the few times we have been on a date this year, we didn't have to wonder what to talk about, there was so much going on. Like the concert we went to with friends. We are both very social. When we take others out of the equation is there nothing to talk about? We go on many family outings and there is never a lull in the conversation, but when there are no kids to occupy us, do we have nothing to say?

It was devastating about an hour into the trip when it hit me, maybe we don't have anything to say to each other anymore. It was pretty quiet on the shore. Absolutely breath taking it was so beautiful. Yet after talk about setting up the poles and chairs, then a few observations about the crazy little ghost crabs we saw, it got quiet. And it stayed quiet till after the sun was down.  I suspect my husband noticed, that's when he suggested packing up and heading to the ocean front where all the tourists go to walk around.

When we arrived after the short drive it was so crowed there seemed to be no space in any of the parking lots. So instead of driving forever looking for a spot, he suggested parking at the house of a few of his friends from work. We had parked there a few years ago for a festival, so I already knew it was a party pad, but his two guy friends had been nothing but polite to me.

DH called them up to ask, and all I could hear from his side of the conversation, told me it wasn't one of his guy friends that had answered the phone. It was one of their girlfriends, that apparently missed hanging out and partying with her good buddy my husband. Super. We get through the crowds and park at the house, and the friend, his girlfriend and her friend meet us at our car.

After sitting with almost nothing to say to DH for nearly four hours it was almost a joke to watch this short blond I have never seen before, call him by a nickname, run over to hug him and tell him how much they missed hanging out with him. It was surreal watching a part of his life I didn't even know about until recently. Watch how he knew these people and how they knew him. The blond looked me over said I was hot and congratulated DH, then asked why we never came by to drink with them. DH must have sensed how uncomfortable I was, he told them "thanks for the spot, but I'm gonna take my wife to stroll the boardwalk".

My heart was so heavy. This date night was a million miles from the fishing trip I hold onto in my memories. I'm terrified that we don't know each other at all. If we aren't talking about the kids, or entertaining others, or bickering we are silent. Towards the end of the evening, walking back to the car I told him that it seems we have nothing to say. He said he tried to make small talk, and somehow that made me feel worse. He had noticed and hadn't been able to help it either.

Its like I have worked and worked this year, I opened my heart for God. I let go of old lies of the enemy. I choose daily to forgive my husband. I love him like crazy. I am working and hoping to have full trust of him again. But.... This new giant fear is there. All this work and we have nothing to say. While I was brushing my teeth this morning as I stared at my refection, I saw the fear in my eyes and the thought made my stomach turn.... he never ran out of things to talk about with all those other women. My God, I thought, he got caught due to the over 400 texts on one phone bill, from one week alone to the last girl. He never ran out of things to talk about with her.

I pray against this brand new fear. How silly it seems after everything, the one thing I didn't see coming. I pray against it now even as I type. I want more than just to be married forever. I want to be married to my best friend, someone I never get tired of talking with, sharing with and laughing with. If you read this and so feel lead can you please send a prayer up for us as well? It would be greatly appreciated.

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