Saturday, October 23, 2010

got punked

The thing about holding on to Jesus is you have to be actively holding. I just found out, or you could say fell flat on my face. Let me explain.

I already learned that I need to hold His hand. But I guess I thought after you grab once your golden. So I woke up yesterday and went about my business.  Hmmmm maybe sit, read some scripture, pray, perhaps talk to your new BFF? Nah. I now see that maybe suiting up for a battle first would have made more sense. I"m in a battle, but act as if I'm not. I ended up "that guy" in a huge fight in cute flip flops and a nice hand bag, instead of a shield and armor. My flip flops did not stand a chance, I totally got punked.

My thoughts wouldn't stop, they were getting worse and worse every hour. If you have been in a similar situation maybe you know what I'm talking about. The thoughts were getting morbid and obsessive. What did the girls talk about? What color hair did they have? Why were they so interesting that he wanted to spend time with them? Did they know about me? Did they know about my children? Were they prettier, smarter, taller, shorter, nicer, meaner, older, younger? Was the sex better? Did he wish he was holding them when he was spending time with us? Oh yeah they were flying around in my head. Getting louder and louder.

With hindsight its so obvious what was happening.... but in the moment it wasn't so clear.  I had been ACTIVELY holding on to His hand the few days before. But when I woke up I didn't talk with Him. I IGNORED Jesus. I still had His hand, yes, but my grip was weak. The thing about the enemy is, he pays attention. He saw the weak grip, he knew I could be distracted. And once distracted, I could be pulled away. And once pulled away I could be tortured. 

My grip was weak. The enemy whispered. I turned to listen, because I barely noticed Jesus had my hand. Unfortunately the enemy loves to fight low, and he knows where to throw those punches. And he will always go for the kill. The enemy's whispers got louder, and I let go of Jesus hand so I could turn and fight.  Warning lame move! Well hindsight and all that right? The thoughts were swirling faster and getting louder.

I felt I HAD to see where one of the women lived. (Yes in my head at the time it sounded like an excellent idea, and thought it would help.) I made my husband drive me there. We go down the street she lived, where my husband had spent so much of his time, and I realized it was also a street I knew well. My daughter plays there often, we have friends that live there. I was starting to panic, the thoughts were screaming and pounding inside me. Then like I said before the enemy goes for the gut. As we drove by the house that I had been so sure I needed to see, her roommates were outside.
They recognized us as we drove by, I got pointed at, sneered at, and laughed at.
Then if possible my mind went to darker places.

Ephesians 6:12
 For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.

 I let the enemy take me on a trip and it sucked to say the least. My husband drove me home while the whole time I flipped out screaming and cussing, I was in a complete panic. I don't remember all what came out my mouth. I barely remember getting home. I landed on my bed and turned to mush. Took hours to calm down and make my brain slow down. Turns out once again when I thought I was all alone, Jesus was there. I thought I had gone so far I lost Him. Nope. When I had let go of His hand to turn and fight, I didn't get to far. As soon as I had let go there was NO light. I had tripped and fell on my face right in front of Him, and He was just waiting for me to take His hand again. See the thing is, He is always a gentleman, and so very patient. He didn't say wow that was dumb, you really thought you were going to be able to fight all that on your own!?  He didnt even think that. He waited and cried as his daughter got confused and tortured. He waited till I asked for His help. He would never force me to take His hand. But I was smart enough to grab it as soon as I remembered it was there. Yesterday I made the dark and scary place worse. But I have my Jesus. And when we walk out together on the other side, it will make it that much sweeter.

I pray I learned this lesson, and I don't think I can fight on my own again. Maybe I should put a sticky note next to my bed that I will see when I get up? Hey don't forget your armor today it will look awesome with your outfit <3 me

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