Friday, December 31, 2010

the wonderful world of triggers

Well today sucks.

I learned first hand the meaning of "trigger" for a partner of a sex addict. I heard about it before, heard it was possible. I have been grateful there were some steps to dealing with all this that apparently I got to skip. Guess I thought I was either that lucky or just that cool. Nah turns out I'm just a late bloomer.

So whats is a trigger you ask? -- Behaviors and environmental cues that can trigger, and cause "flashbacks," which can temporarily re-traumatize. Examples of environmental cues include driving past a location where the addict acted out, billboards, images or media.

Today started fine. DH has the day off. We were hanging with the kids, having fun, played some just dance and did puzzles. Then off to the store we all go. Nothing exciting, no bad thoughts in my head. We shop. We all pile back into the car to bring grocery's home. Talk is consisting of what we will be doing to bring in the new year. We stop at a red light, I'm watching DH sing along with the radio and make the kids laugh. I glance around. Notice we are at THE intersection. The one I avoid when I drive. 

One of the girls lives right around that corner. This is the light he would sit at when driving home from her house. Driving home from spending time with some slutty nineteen year old. Sitting right here before coming into our home. Our home where he would say he loved me, and tuck my children into bed. I can see his truck on the other side of the intersection like its really there. He is singing along with the radio. Look at that smile, he looks satisfied. Probably still thinking about how great a nineteen year old looks naked.

The light turns green. I feel vomit in my throat. We get to the house, park in the driveway. DH asks if there is something wrong. Nope everything's great, you sleep around and you still get the perfect family. But what I really say is I will get the baby out of the car you get the food. 

Nothing has gone good since getting the baby out of the car. Day has gotten worse. It felt like that first week after D-day all over again. I could SEE everything again. So I spent most my day and early evening a mess in my room. You know the ugly cry kind. There was snot and hiccup noises. Not pretty. DH braved going up to the room to check on me a few times. He got screamed at.

And so ends the tale of how I learned about triggers. And how I squished all the fun out of New Years. 
Dear God, please, please, please, take these images I see when I close my eyes away. Please help me to not shut down due to silly things like an intersection. Or if you so see fit God please destroy that intersection, and replace it with something cool like ice cream shop. Thanks and Amen, Love me

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