Sunday, November 11, 2012

oh no anything but the "look"

I forgive. I forgave. Only through Gods strength. Its true what they say, its the hardest and simplest thing you will ever do. Yet pain remains. Hmmmm why? What did I forget to do?

It has been dawning on me that I have yet to forgive myself. I hold myself accountable. I guess I never had thought about it before. But it makes sense, I'm the type of person that will do it myself, whatever "it" is, I do not need help. But I need help now. God in all is wonderful awesome wisdom did not make me to handle any part of this life on my own. He is breaking me, piece by piece and damn it hurts. I have been making it so much harder on myself that it needs to be. I have been fighting every inch every day for two years.

I was talking with a friend on the phone the other day and she mentioned her friend who is dealing with major betrayal. She suggested to her friend getting out and meeting new people and opening up might help her. How talking might help her. While she was telling me this, I FELT this woman's heart, even though I barely know her. It was not her sin, yet she has to hand it repeatedly over to God her father. The dirty feeling that won't go away. The anger at herself for not knowing what was happening right under her nose, the inability to shield her children from it. The fear of opening up to women again, for fear of the "look". The look that says "you poor thing." 

I joked with my friend and told her I would prefer anything to getting the "look". And its true. I hate pity. I don't want your help if it means you pity me.

I now see I gotta weird mix of pride and shame going on. I have a sinking feeling pride is skewing my vision, I can't tell the difference between genuine help and pity. Or a friendly face from a gossip.
I can barely look at people if they know any of my secrets. I have actually caught myself trying to cover my own face when my own husband asks how I am. I refuse to put down all of the bogus reasons things were done to me. I know they were bogus, I don't deserve what I'm holding onto yet I wont set them down. I'm still even holding on to the old me, and all the bad things I have done. I know God forgives me, yet I refuse to put down all the snapshots of the awful things I have done.

My heart still holds on to what I cant forgive myself for. 
My head understands this isn't right. 
My God is destroying me lately since He is refusing to let this go on much longer. As much as it hurts I know He has to do it. Now that I understand that my shame and sinful pride are keeping me silent I have no excuse. I clearly FELT that other woman's shame, and yet at the same time I clearly SAW her need to release it. 
I have released others, its time I let God release me too. 
Time to get my head and heart aligned and moving in the same direction!

Hey God, I finally see what I think you have been trying to show me. I do understand I need to open up. Please show me what that looks like.  I am terrified but God please show me how to put down my shame so I can forgive myself, and trade pride for trust and move on. Oh and God please in the mist all this please guard my children. Thank you for loving me so much that you are very patient with my slow learning. Amen.

Psalm 34:5
 Those who look to him for help will be radiant with joy;
    no shadow of shame will darken their faces.

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