Tuesday, October 2, 2012

totally get it... wait.. no, nope don't get it

At my old church very few people noticed if we weren't there on a Sunday. Or if I looked upset. I can count on my hand how many people even looked for us or asked when we left for good.  That same small group of people were really the only thing I missed when we did go. Well I do sort of miss blending into the crowd there. People would say hello but never press for more, and I liked that.  Being in a huge unpushy crowd is a lot like being by yourself, just more to look at. Its comfortable, like walking around a large city, lots of people but you can still think.

This new church well... its different. And with me the jury is still out if that's a great thing or a run screaming the other way thing. They notice if one or all of us is missing. They start convos with DH and my kids. With me it would be almost funny if it didnt suck so bad. They try and I shut it down. Its like a reflex I cant even help it. My son busted his face pretty good in his preschool class there last Sunday and today the childrens pastor called to check on him. Pretty normal church people stuff. But then she started chatting like we were old friends and I sat on my end of the phone like a boob.

DH and I are starting to serve in the middle school room and I was so excited about it. I adore kids and really love hanging out and listening to kids my oldest daughters age. Thought it would be a perfect fit for me. I got placed with two very sweet young women to co-lead a group with. One of them reminds me way to much of R. I dont know why. But there it is. 19 years old, sweet but sort of a twit. "Blah blah blah since I'm in college." and "Blah blah blah since I'm in college I know because I'm in college and I know everything about everything ever because I'm so grown and in college blah blah blah this boy giggle and he is so great giggle and blah blah blah." All I hear is R rambling on about DH. 

Sunday morning I let the youth pastor know I rather lead a group with my husband. But no it couldn't be that easy could it? He asks "Sure, but why? Are you OK?"  Errrr yeah? OK no, no I'm not.
So tomorrow we will meet at Chick-fil-a to explain changing groups. And I'm not really sure why. Why do we need to tell him our old stuff? This whole open thing this church is all about is hard. Although I sometimes think I get it I guess I really don't  Nope I don't get it. And I'm nervous. And I'm a mess. I feel awful that I can't work with that girl.

So.... still what the heck should we talk about with the youth pastor tomorrow? Maybe I shouldn't unload anything on him, that might be weird and way too much info for a chicken lunch. Hmmmmmm. Like I said before I really don't know with this church. They say to be open but I guess I'm so bad at that, that I don't know what that is suppose to look like. Who do I be open with? When is the time to share crap like that? And what all do you share once you have decided its time to open your mouth? And why do they want to know, why is that a healing thing? And who is going to stick around after all that uncomfortable crap has been laid out on the table. This is no fun since I don't know any of the answers. Bleh.

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