Saturday, September 15, 2012

don't give up

I want to be happy again. 
I want to be the happy-over-every-little-thing person again. Even when DH was still a total drunk mess and we were on welfare with no car, I was happy, like really happy and loved life. I sang songs and danced with my kids everyday. We played. Everyday. I loved being a stay at home mom, the house was always neat, because I enjoyed caring for my family and every chore that went along with it. I loved any reason to make a regular day special. And holidays? They were like the jackpot. Even if something was bad enough to make me cry, it never lasted long, something always cheered me up. That woman is gone and I don't know where she went. 

I haven't been able to shake the thought the past few days that shes never coming back. DH says shes there and I have to have hope. He can see the change and he prays against it. I pray, but secretly I think maybe something inside of me broke and it cant be fixed. 

Philippians 4:6

Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.

This is the verse I have been repeating to myself, it has been stuck in my head ever since I read it the other night. I was talking to God about it this morning after we got home from soccer games. I was telling him how I don't see anything in me changing. Telling Him the holidays are coming and try as I might I just cant make myself care. I cant make myself care about hardly anything lately, and it worries me. Here God take these worries please.
Then my phone buzzes with a text.

Have you heard of that song called don't give up


I will email it to you. Its full of hope

I could use that right now. Thank you, I will listen tonight when I have a chance to get on computer

I'll send it now. I just heard it again.

The email~

I was going through a funk and this song came up at the right moment recently and it really ministered to me., 

It still actually ministers...A lot to overcome ya know, but in the scripture it says "I will never leave you or forsake you" God is in control. 

If you every need to pray let me know, Ive been known to pray and intercede. 

The friend that sent the text and email is my daughters coach. She has no idea about anything going on with me. She really would have no reason to send me something to encourage, no reason to offer to intercede.  

I just listened to this song for the first time tonight. 
Wow God.... 

There is another line to the scripture from earlier, something that I haven't been repeating to myself with the first half. I will be now. 

Philippians 4:6-7

Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. 
Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

Something in me did break.
I cant fix it myself.
I will hand my worries to my Father.
I will thank Him for all He has already done.
One day I will experience Gods peace.
He will guard my heart.
I cant give up.

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