I found some other blogs, others who are walking where I walk. They are blogs about this same road of relearning everything you ever thought was true about marriage, loving, and living. Sometimes even relearning how to take calm breaths so you dont freak out and hyperventilate.
I have searched in the past, but never really came across anything. I haven't searched in a long time. But I did search tonight. I was hoping to find answers. And halleluiah I found one! Right off the bat even. Its written by a man who survived his wife's affair. God healed their marriage, but even years down the road he struggled. They are happily married now, but he still struggles. And I have my answer, no I'm not a freak. And other than God Himself, only others that have been through infidelity will ever truly understand. I have added a blogroll on this site to link to other blogs, I have added his. /http://wemadeitblog.blogspot.com/
I searched tonight because lately it seems like the past has been chasing me down. I am in love with my husband, we are getting along great, but yet I struggle. I fight it thinking surely enough time has past where I should be "over it" right?? Then why do I sometimes wake in a sweat, same old nightmares? The ones where some lady I dont know is running off with my husband and taking my kids with her? Things send me back. It happened on Easter and has been off and one since then. Someone had mentioned maybe I was mostly worried what that women from my past had thought of me, but it was more about what I thought of me. I see that woman every other week now and she doesn't bother me in the least, I even stop to chat, I'm starting to enjoy her family. When I saw her the first time it stirred all those old things to the surface, it stirred the old me to the surface. The one I try to forget, the one who didn't like herself much. The problem is I dont want to ever go back to how I used to feel almost all of the time. Nothing but a stupid loser, a failure, an ugly frump, someone my husband had to marry because we had a baby.
Some days it feels like everything has been good for so long, this good stretch must almost be over. That my fairy tale ending will be ripped away from me. Lately its a little more than I can handle. I feel a little nuts that its seemingly popping up out of nowhere. Sunday at church felt suffocating, I totally had the flight or fight feeling the whole time. Then to make matters worse some lady I barely know had to sit right next to me as I'm trying not to break down and all this woman is doing is trying to make small talk. Oh hurray now she is leaning into my face asking if I'm OK. Oh lady please go away, I do not do well with people in my personal space as it is, and right now it feels like your sitting on my freaking lap. Cool service is over, excuse me as I basically jump over your busy-body butt and run out the door. I hate feeling trapped like that. Its been happening at home as well.
I am familiar with this feelings, they all started after D-day. I wonder if these little bouts of flare ups are something that's to be expected for the rest of my life?? I notice sometimes its almost like an allergy. Something triggers it. Now I figure I wont be able to spot all the triggers but maybe I will get to where recognize some so I can avoid them. One I know for sure is the D-day anniversary which is coming up. But the coming up to day I'm starting to think is the worse part. Its the part where I see where I was totally oblivious and see where my kids were totally secure and I see what I didn't see then, I see where my husband was. And who he was with.
Its such a sharp distance from where we are now. Some days its so far removed and I could probably openly talk about it without so much as a twang. Then other days its like it happened last week, I can barely breath.