Thursday, May 31, 2012

Awww c-c-crrrrap!

Well. I am totally homesick today. Which frankly for me is weird. Yeah I mean I miss people and I miss places, but almost never to the point where it really bothers me. Today it bothered me. A lot.

We had a retirement to go to this morning. Well crap... were are my slacks? I no longer own even one pair of dress pants? I have a few nice tops, but nothing to go with them. How the heck does that even happen? I mention the predicament to my oldest who is up getting ready for school. She offers her black slacks she wears for chorus. Ah ha! Thanks honey! I dart to her room, happy we are close to the same size. I find the pants. She had hemmed them with duct tape, which I pulled off since I'm still 2 or 3 inches taller than her. The tape left gooey white smears on bottom of the black pants. OK that's a no go. So time to tear up my closet again. Hmmmmm lets see I have cocktail dresses, not appropriate. What else? Jeans, lots of jeans. Yoga pants, sweats, and some Dickes. I tell hubby I cant go, I have nothing to wear.

Soon after the tears start. I suddenly miss my old friends. I miss my tattoo covered, Dickie wearing, hairy, drinking, smoking, skating, blue collar, swearing, always inappropriate friends. I miss fitting in, not having to act a certain way, look a certain way. I miss feeling at ease, totally myself, super loved, knowing they all have my back and I have theirs. I never had to explain myself, we all for the most part come from the same place, seen many of the same things and lived to tell the tale. I got them, and they got me. No matter what they would still be there at the end of the day. 

Not finding something to wear normally does not start the water works. Not owning dress slacks normally wouldn't send me on a homesick binge. I dont know maybe I'm extra hormonal today, maybe PMSing a little early, who the heck knows. All I know is it really hit me today, hard.

Military life has been easy for me when referring to the moving aspect. It wasn't hard for me to leave home. It wasn't hard for me to meet people once we settle in. I make friends, good friends but moves happen. I will miss them and keep in touch with the ones that have turned into family, and carry on make new friends, no big deal. Well.... I used to anyway.

People person me has vanished. I suppose its a trust issue. I think the past is trying to kick my ass. Everything that I have found out in the past couple of years for sure has got to be part of the trust thing. Trust took a big hit when some friends stopped talking to me when I decided to stay with my husband. Gotta tack on things from farther back in my past that I had never dealt with until last year. All added up I feel like a freak show from a bad Jerry Springer re-run.

I feel like I just dont fit anywhere. I have lost the ability to relax, my guard is up even when I wish I could put it down. Put me in a room full of people and most the time I have a strong fight or flight feeling.

 Now we are at our new church and meeting lots of new people. I love the church, and am totally scared of the people. How messed up is that? In the past two years I have developed a stutter when I'm nervous. Isn't that just the best? Just turned 31 and just started stuttering 2 years ago. Every time someone wants to talk to me I mostly shut down.... I dont want to sound like Forest Gump. And the bonus to make my spanking new stutter even better? I'm super fidgety, mostly to keep myself for just getting up and walking away. Yuppers, just freaking fantastic.

This has not always been a problem, I'm a very social person. Being in new situations and around new people is where I thrived. Even now I am OK once I get to know the person, old perky talkative me is usually right there. But its this whole new shut down me that I'm not sure how to move past.

I have made a few good friends here over the years. In the past few months most have moved away. Two more are preparing to move, one at the end of the month, hence the retirement this morning. And the other at the end of this week, that one will be the hardest. I am myself around her. I will miss her tremendously.
Feels like one of the last places I really fit here is leaving.

At small group tonight we talked about prayer for a few minutes. And I was completely honest when I said I talk to God throughout the day. Because for me talking to God is easier than talking to most people. I am so thankful that God is there 24-7, I never have to worry about trust with him, I fit with him just perfect and I dont even stutter.

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