Tuesday, February 5, 2013


I got baptized the weekend before last. It was something I really felt for quite some time I needed to do. Notice I said needed not "wanted" or "thought I should". I did want to. And I also thought I should. But I did it because I needed to. I fought it. Of course right? That seems to be my pattern. For the record that's one of the reasons I got baptized. I had already decided to be baptized when I wrote my last post. I knew it was time to hand my whole self over to the only one who should be driving. I had been running things for so long on my own it was time to admit it wasn't working. The anxiety and nerves I had leading up to it were through the roof.

At our church they like to make a little video of the person speaking about why they chose to get baptized. I went today to film it. The video was hard, my mind went blank when I was asked what lead me to my decision. Found out if you get super nervous you get cotton mouth too...yay. This is the point I realized [A]  I will never be a public speaker, and [B] a camera staring directly into my face is NOT my happy place.
I am assuming getting any usable information out of me was probably close to impossible.  Trying to explain to someone how I came to the decision to be baptized without really wanting to explain my story was a struggle, for everyone involved.  In the end I felt like I did a lot of talking without really saying anything.

The past couple of years I would wake up almost every other day with almost a movie montage of awful events that have happened playing in my head to watch. Not fun, most of those days I just felt antsy, moved slower and got less done. Not cool.
When I was baptized two weeks ago it was like those awful movie reels and antsy feeling stayed in the water. Thank you God!

By the time we drove home I was a hot mess of emotions. The gross antsy feeling was back.
Tried sitting on couch and zoning out on phone. Didn't work. TV... nope. Pretty sure I was going to pop, so I went to DH in kitchen and sobbed on his shoulder. Poor guy didn't know what in the world was the problem. Sadly I was not able to help with that, I couldn't put into words my problem either.
After a week of having NO anxiety NO depression this attack was awful. Awful. My wonderful husband just hugged me and wouldn't let go. After while we walked to the couch and he helped me talk it out. He did most of the talking. I was amazed with him. As I listened to him I thanked God again. This man is a new creation! I can let my guard down with him, which frankly blows my mind a little. He is the only one right now besides God. I loved the way he said it too. He said we all have comfort levels and bubbles. My bubble is pretty big so it keeps people physically away and not near me, and God is OK with that.... right now. Comfort levels are how you interact with others, how much trust you have and how open you can be. But he thinks God is starting to work on my broken comfort level with people and that makes me nervous. Which is true.

I think just the fact that I am able to communicate openly with my husband is huge. I have a feeling I could have really talked to him months ago, if not years ago. I know he has been trying. He must be really patient with me waiting this long and letting God work in me. Talking with him and listening to him this afternoon really helped.
After our talk I went upstairs for a shower and just tried to tell God everything. I tried just being still before him, but just ended up sobbing my eyes out... again. Sheesh. The guilt I had for being so stubborn all these years, when God gave me so so so many chances to come to Him. For walking away chance after chance. His grace of still coming after me after everything. I'm just so thankful. All I could do was cry my eye balls out and say thank you.

I think what it mostly boil's down to was that I don't think I gave the big main reasons I have felt lead to baptizism  Main reasons would be, I had my guard up most my life, past few years I put them higher, even with God. I believed in God. I loved God. But I still didn't trust him enough. I was waiting for me to be better with no trust issues before I trusted God. Yes I am aware that makes little to no sense. When I realized I was the only thing blocking me from God, I came to the realization that I needed to surrender.
And a week ago I found out that was the best decision I could have ever made. Like I told the guy doing the video today, if you had asked me a few weeks ago I could have given you a million reasons why I was nervous to get baptized, but now after the fact I can't think of one. (Which was almost the truth, the dumb camera still makes me nervous.)

2 Corinthians 5:17

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!

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