people-person

Just got home from lunch with DH and the youth pastor from our church. We went to lunch so I could explain why I could no longer lead with college girls. I'm suppose to be leading middle schoolers and my co-leaders were 18-20. I quickly learned I just cant do that age group. I'm still jacked up. I can't sit for more than a few minutes with a woman that age because all it does is send me right back to two years ago. The endless prattle of pointless crap that they think is the end of the world doesn't help either. Fucking super. I'm more messed up than I originally gave myself credit for. Lovely.

So sitting there trying to explain to this confused guy why I'm so messed up was about as fun as getting teeth pulled. DH stepped in to finish explaining for me. I'm upset with myself because that made me mad. How he could just sit there and so calmly explain how he butchered, mangled and finally killed the old me. "... then I buried her, her dreams, self respect, security, after I went out for a cheese burger." OK so maybe those weren't his exact words, but they were close enough for me. My favorite sentence from today's chat? "She is starting therapy for it next week so I think that will help." I know those words were not meant to hurt me, I know he loves me dearly. But I heard "She is pretty jacked up, she will be seeing someone for it, that way we can stop having uncomfortable situations like this."
I think I need to give myself permission to be mad or sad or something. I'm not completely sure what it is I'm feeling these days. Whatever it is sucks, I know that much. When I forgave others I forced myself to have no feelings on anything. Well forgiving them releases them. And me.... if I let it. I haven't let it yet. I think there is some work to do. And I'm afraid to go back and do the work that needs to be done. Two years sounds like forever to me, shouldn't I be over this crap by now? Makes me want to scream but it would probably seriously disturb the kids, and the cat.

I only told the youth pastor what he needed to know. Total minimum.  I wish that was all there was to deal with. Ha I just made myself giggle! I cant believe I just used the phrase "all there was" like 10 years of a husband with a hidden life wasn't much. I wonder if that poor guy is second guessing himself on having myself and DH around kids at all.

small talk

Yesterday I went on a date with my husband. Three days ago he mentioned that he was taking me out and already had a babysitter lined up, but hadn't decided on what or where we should go yet. That made the next following days fun, we spent most of the time we had to chat, discussing what we should do with our whole evening away from kids. There were lots of ideas ranging from a concert to dinner and a movie. In the end we decided to go fishing. I had mentioned that sounded fun, and he laughed saying it was funny since he was thinking the same thing. I was so looking forward to it.

About nine or ten years ago he took me fishing for the first time, just the two of us. I think we had two poles, a bag of bait and a lunch box. We had the best afternoon. I think about that day often, it seriously is one of the only safe memories I can go to, and I cherish it. It was before all the addictions had fully took hold of him, before he had any other women. I think about that day on good days and bad days. When I hurt I remember the bible says love is a decision, a choice that must be consciously made, not just a feeling. I look back at that day and remember why I love him.

Maybe it was wrong hoping that a fishing trip would bring us back to that day. Didn't think how maybe a quiet night together with no distractions or other people was a mistake. It dawned on me that the few times we have been on a date this year, we didn't have to wonder what to talk about, there was so much going on. Like the concert we went to with friends. We are both very social. When we take others out of the equation is there nothing to talk about? We go on many family outings and there is never a lull in the conversation, but when there are no kids to occupy us, do we have nothing to say?

It was devastating about an hour into the trip when it hit me, maybe we don't have anything to say to each other anymore. It was pretty quiet on the shore. Absolutely breath taking it was so beautiful. Yet after talk about setting up the poles and chairs, then a few observations about the crazy little ghost crabs we saw, it got quiet. And it stayed quiet till after the sun was down.  I suspect my husband noticed, that's when he suggested packing up and heading to the ocean front where all the tourists go to walk around.

When we arrived after the short drive it was so crowed there seemed to be no space in any of the parking lots. So instead of driving forever looking for a spot, he suggested parking at the house of a few of his friends from work. We had parked there a few years ago for a festival, so I already knew it was a party pad, but his two guy friends had been nothing but polite to me.

DH called them up to ask, and all I could hear from his side of the conversation, told me it wasn't one of his guy friends that had answered the phone. It was one of their girlfriends, that apparently missed hanging out and partying with her good buddy my husband. Super. We get through the crowds and park at the house, and the friend, his girlfriend and her friend meet us at our car.

After sitting with almost nothing to say to DH for nearly four hours it was almost a joke to watch this short blond I have never seen before, call him by a nickname, run over to hug him and tell him how much they missed hanging out with him. It was surreal watching a part of his life I didn't even know about until recently. Watch how he knew these people and how they knew him. The blond looked me over said I was hot and congratulated DH, then asked why we never came by to drink with them. DH must have sensed how uncomfortable I was, he told them "thanks for the spot, but I'm gonna take my wife to stroll the boardwalk".

My heart was so heavy. This date night was a million miles from the fishing trip I hold onto in my memories. I'm terrified that we don't know each other at all. If we aren't talking about the kids, or entertaining others, or bickering we are silent. Towards the end of the evening, walking back to the car I told him that it seems we have nothing to say. He said he tried to make small talk, and somehow that made me feel worse. He had noticed and hadn't been able to help it either.

Its like I have worked and worked this year, I opened my heart for God. I let go of old lies of the enemy. I choose daily to forgive my husband. I love him like crazy. I am working and hoping to have full trust of him again. But.... This new giant fear is there. All this work and we have nothing to say. While I was brushing my teeth this morning as I stared at my refection, I saw the fear in my eyes and the thought made my stomach turn.... he never ran out of things to talk about with all those other women. My God, I thought, he got caught due to the over 400 texts on one phone bill, from one week alone to the last girl. He never ran out of things to talk about with her.

I pray against this brand new fear. How silly it seems after everything, the one thing I didn't see coming. I pray against it now even as I type. I want more than just to be married forever. I want to be married to my best friend, someone I never get tired of talking with, sharing with and laughing with. If you read this and so feel lead can you please send a prayer up for us as well? It would be greatly appreciated.

the dial is stuck on anger

I was warned by many well meaning friends that I may be experiencing the stages of grief. Please, really me? Don't think so, but thanks for the love and worry even though its misguided. Hmmm looking back I suppose that was some of that denial stage huh?

Should have felt the anger coming. Not that I hadn't had any yet. There had been outbursts, but no giant binge. Mostly just smashed it down silenced it inside of me. Still pretty good at the sugar-coater thing. What can I say habits die hard. I might not be as good at slapping that smile on, but damn if I'm gonna give anyone the satisfaction of knowing I'm drowning.

Christmas came. The morning was beautiful. Kids woke up and got us up, we spent hours downstairs laughing, opening gifts, calling relatives, just enjoying each others company. The kids decided around noon they wanted to watch a Disney parade on TV. Whoops. Watching all the Disney world stuff brought the hurt right to surface. We spent the best few weeks of our whole marriage there this summer. But he had a girlfriend on the side waiting for him to come back from FL. Mommy quietly excuses herself to go sob upstairs, I was so mad. All day. Nice. I still had some wits about me, I whipped out that bible and read and talked and laid it all out for Jesus. He knew. He still knows.

A friend invited me out for New Years. It was for her birthday, just us girls going to the bar for some dancing. I said yes right away. A night out just what I need. I still had been talking and working things out with God. I felt told (yeah I know it sounds odd, just hold on) that I really shouldn't be going. Almost like when your very young, and your mom tells you no when you want to jump off a garage with an umbrella (don't judge me). Sounds like a solid plan to the kid, but parent says no. Convo over. It was just like that. Later after I told my friend I couldn't go I looked over His reasons. There would be alcohol, and I love to drink, even though its been a long time. There would be lots of men. I'm pretty cute and I know how how to get attention when I want it. I would be there without DH, and I could easily be tempted on both the first two reasons. So I agreed with God that He probably had good reasons to say no. Although I did feel like He was being a little over protective. Can't He see I was in a good spot lately, not vindictive at all. But He sees farther out than I do.

New Years eve came, and it was bad. If you read my last two posts you can kinda see how things just went downhill from there.  There were very few times I reached for that bible. I was beyond pissed. I was smothering myself in hate. Hate for DH. Hate for each of the women. Hate for all of his buddies he would sneak and drink with. Hate for myself for being so absolutely stupid and gullible. Hate hate hate. I was breathing it in and with each breath it was getting stronger. It felt good to be angry. Most sin feels good, like a high you want more. I would let nasty little daydreams take me away. I was wishing for who I used to be. That girl wouldn't be a pansy and sit around wanting to learn how to love. She would go out and go to the places she knew those women to be. It would be easy, just like it used to be. I look innocent and have always used that for my advantage, one reason I never got locked up like most of my old friends. I could do something about this hate and anger and not get caught... These black hate flames had me staring at them, and agreeing with them. The more I looked the more Gods word make less sense. The more slamming some girls face into the pavement made all kinds of sense..... wow it still sounds good, so... I need to side track.

Anyhow that's how I started my new year, wishing to be who I used to be. Not a good place. Nightmares almost every night. Of course the enemy was gonna jump all over this situation, and I was making it super easy for him. But I am one of Gods chosen children. He wasn't letting me up without a fight. Little things he was throwing into my path trying to get my attention back. I wasn't going to church but I was still coming across people that lived in Gods love, making me notice how I wasn't. Saw that movie Letters to God, and remembered a few lovely people I have known that lived with death right around the corner with no hate. DH was patient with me, and praying for me (at the time super annoying). My not quite three old singing You Are More by Tenth Avenue North. That's the one that got me. Out of pure frustration with myself and everything around me I told Him, I give up, just consider me just along for the ride, I'm worn out, you decide everything. So I gave up. I was tired of myself you know what I mean?

Funny thing when you tell God take total control, He takes it.
Months ago I had been given a free plane ticket to fly home for a week. One of my old friends is having a surprise party and I was one of her surprises. I have been looking forward to the trip for awhile. All the sudden my free pass home was being messed with a series of events. All the sudden it was IMPOSSIBLE to go. At first I thought it was funny. "guess God said no to my trip", I say to DH one day. But the very next day I am fuming, no matter what I did or tried, it just wasn't happening. Seriously it was a free plane ticket, how can that be messed up?? God? Yeah right. Those were my doubting days. I had more than a few of those. But finally I realize He is the dad I am the kid, and He said no. OK fine I get it, going home right now where all my old friends are, maybe not the best idea. Dang I might just be tempted not to come back. Silly me thought that was the end of it. Thought He would just want to parent some days. I got a reality check real quick.

I got invited to a girls night in last week, with lots of alcohol. I said yes. Daddy took drastic measures and grounded me. I got a stomach bug a few hours before the party. I didn't think it was so funny. I wanted to have a fit and stomp my foot and scream and ask when was I going to be allowed to have any fun? Dad calmly looked at me and said when you hand all the anger over. And since I still feel like stamping my feet and screaming I guess it might be awhile.
This sucks. But I'm just along for the ride.

dearest DH

Oh no. Do I offend you when I am having a bad day? Oh I am just so sorry that my scrambled egg brains and fucked up thoughts have got you down.
What was that you said to me? To please not sound so vulgar when trying to get my feelings out? When I say out loud some of the things you have done? Oh I'm so sorry your actions and my reactions have you upset.
Let me get out my big fake smile and put it back on, so God forbid you feel bad.
But lets try to remember for future sake that banging random women, may at a later time result in you feeling uncomfortable in a conversation with your wife.
love, me

the wonderful world of triggers

Well today sucks.

I learned first hand the meaning of "trigger" for a partner of a sex addict. I heard about it before, heard it was possible. I have been grateful there were some steps to dealing with all this that apparently I got to skip. Guess I thought I was either that lucky or just that cool. Nah turns out I'm just a late bloomer.

So whats is a trigger you ask? -- Behaviors and environmental cues that can trigger, and cause "flashbacks," which can temporarily re-traumatize. Examples of environmental cues include driving past a location where the addict acted out, billboards, images or media.

Today started fine. DH has the day off. We were hanging with the kids, having fun, played some just dance and did puzzles. Then off to the store we all go. Nothing exciting, no bad thoughts in my head. We shop. We all pile back into the car to bring grocery's home. Talk is consisting of what we will be doing to bring in the new year. We stop at a red light, I'm watching DH sing along with the radio and make the kids laugh. I glance around. Notice we are at THE intersection. The one I avoid when I drive. 

One of the girls lives right around that corner. This is the light he would sit at when driving home from her house. Driving home from spending time with some slutty nineteen year old. Sitting right here before coming into our home. Our home where he would say he loved me, and tuck my children into bed. I can see his truck on the other side of the intersection like its really there. He is singing along with the radio. Look at that smile, he looks satisfied. Probably still thinking about how great a nineteen year old looks naked.

The light turns green. I feel vomit in my throat. We get to the house, park in the driveway. DH asks if there is something wrong. Nope everything's great, you sleep around and you still get the perfect family. But what I really say is I will get the baby out of the car you get the food. 

Nothing has gone good since getting the baby out of the car. Day has gotten worse. It felt like that first week after D-day all over again. I could SEE everything again. So I spent most my day and early evening a mess in my room. You know the ugly cry kind. There was snot and hiccup noises. Not pretty. DH braved going up to the room to check on me a few times. He got screamed at.

And so ends the tale of how I learned about triggers. And how I squished all the fun out of New Years. 

Dear God, please, please, please, take these images I see when I close my eyes away. Please help me to not shut down due to silly things like an intersection. Or if you so see fit God please destroy that intersection, and replace it with something cool like ice cream shop. Thanks and Amen, Love me

got punked

The thing about holding on to Jesus is you have to be actively holding. I just found out, or you could say fell flat on my face. Let me explain.


I already learned that I need to hold His hand. But I guess I thought after you grab once your golden. So I woke up yesterday and went about my business.  Hmmmm maybe sit, read some scripture, pray, perhaps talk to your new BFF? Nah. I now see that maybe suiting up for a battle first would have made more sense. I"m in a battle, but act as if I'm not. I ended up "that guy" in a huge fight in cute flip flops and a nice hand bag, instead of a shield and armor. My flip flops did not stand a chance, I totally got punked.


My thoughts wouldn't stop, they were getting worse and worse every hour. If you have been in a similar situation maybe you know what I'm talking about. The thoughts were getting morbid and obsessive. What did the girls talk about? What color hair did they have? Why were they so interesting that he wanted to spend time with them? Did they know about me? Did they know about my children? Were they prettier, smarter, taller, shorter, nicer, meaner, older, younger? Was the sex better? Did he wish he was holding them when he was spending time with us? Oh yeah they were flying around in my head. Getting louder and louder.


With hindsight its so obvious what was happening.... but in the moment it wasn't so clear.  I had been ACTIVELY holding on to His hand the few days before. But when I woke up I didn't talk with Him. I IGNORED Jesus. I still had His hand, yes, but my grip was weak. The thing about the enemy is, he pays attention. He saw the weak grip, he knew I could be distracted. And once distracted, I could be pulled away. And once pulled away I could be tortured. 


My grip was weak. The enemy whispered. I turned to listen, because I barely noticed Jesus had my hand. Unfortunately the enemy loves to fight low, and he knows where to throw those punches. And he will always go for the kill. The enemy's whispers got louder, and I let go of Jesus hand so I could turn and fight.  Warning lame move! Well hindsight and all that right? The thoughts were swirling faster and getting louder.


I felt I HAD to see where one of the women lived. (Yes in my head at the time it sounded like an excellent idea, and thought it would help.) I made my husband drive me there. We go down the street she lived, where my husband had spent so much of his time, and I realized it was also a street I knew well. My daughter plays there often, we have friends that live there. I was starting to panic, the thoughts were screaming and pounding inside me. Then like I said before the enemy goes for the gut. As we drove by the house that I had been so sure I needed to see, her roommates were outside.
They recognized us as we drove by, I got pointed at, sneered at, and laughed at.
Then if possible my mind went to darker places.

Ephesians 6:12
 For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.

 I let the enemy take me on a trip and it sucked to say the least. My husband drove me home while the whole time I flipped out screaming and cussing, I was in a complete panic. I don't remember all what came out my mouth. I barely remember getting home. I landed on my bed and turned to mush. Took hours to calm down and make my brain slow down. Turns out once again when I thought I was all alone, Jesus was there. I thought I had gone so far I lost Him. Nope. When I had let go of His hand to turn and fight, I didn't get to far. As soon as I had let go there was NO light. I had tripped and fell on my face right in front of Him, and He was just waiting for me to take His hand again. See the thing is, He is always a gentleman, and so very patient. He didn't say wow that was dumb, you really thought you were going to be able to fight all that on your own!?  He didnt even think that. He waited and cried as his daughter got confused and tortured. He waited till I asked for His help. He would never force me to take His hand. But I was smart enough to grab it as soon as I remembered it was there. Yesterday I made the dark and scary place worse. But I have my Jesus. And when we walk out together on the other side, it will make it that much sweeter.


I pray I learned this lesson, and I don't think I can fight on my own again. Maybe I should put a sticky note next to my bed that I will see when I get up? Hey don't forget your armor today it will look awesome with your outfit <3 me