Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Just got home from lunch with DH and the youth pastor from our church. We went to lunch so I could explain why I could no longer lead with college girls. I'm suppose to be leading middle schoolers and my co-leaders were 18-20. I quickly learned I just cant do that age group. I'm still jacked up. I can't sit for more than a few minutes with a woman that age because all it does is send me right back to two years ago. The endless prattle of pointless crap that they think is the end of the world doesn't help either. Fucking super. I'm more messed up than I originally gave myself credit for. Lovely.
So sitting there trying to explain to this confused guy why I'm so messed up was about as fun as getting teeth pulled. DH stepped in to finish explaining for me. I'm upset with myself because that made me mad. How he could just sit there and so calmly explain how he butchered, mangled and finally killed the old me. "... then I buried her, her dreams, self respect, security, after I went out for a cheese burger." OK so maybe those weren't his exact words, but they were close enough for me. My favorite sentence from today's chat? "She is starting therapy for it next week so I think that will help." I know those words were not meant to hurt me, I know he loves me dearly. But I heard "She is pretty jacked up, she will be seeing someone for it, that way we can stop having uncomfortable situations like this."
I think I need to give myself permission to be mad or sad or something. I'm not completely sure what it is I'm feeling these days. Whatever it is sucks, I know that much. When I forgave others I forced myself to have no feelings on anything. Well forgiving them releases them. And me.... if I let it. I haven't let it yet. I think there is some work to do. And I'm afraid to go back and do the work that needs to be done. Two years sounds like forever to me, shouldn't I be over this crap by now? Makes me want to scream but it would probably seriously disturb the kids, and the cat.
I only told the youth pastor what he needed to know. Total minimum. I wish that was all there was to deal with. Ha I just made myself giggle! I cant believe I just used the phrase "all there was" like 10 years of a husband with a hidden life wasn't much. I wonder if that poor guy is second guessing himself on having myself and DH around kids at all.